i dont even know.

I don’t have to much screwed up in my life but i still feel like i serve no purpose and every time i think about it i know that there’s gonna be someone whos happy that im gone. but every time i think this i remember my life a year ago. at that time i was on so much bullshit. I judged people on how they looked and i just walked around acting like i knew everything and just didn’t care and didn’t see and deep meaning in life and just treated it like something that was a joke. then the week of my birthday my best friend killed himself. i still remember the day. i was only 14 and we were in school and we were taking finals but we only had two classes together so i didn’t see him much that day. we had just finished algebra finals and were on out way to lunch and he seemed fine and just talking like he always did which wasn’t very much. but we were the last to get lunch so there was only three tables out and that was the first day all year that i hadn’t sat at the same table with him. it doesn’t seem like a big deal but when your in a depression like he was some of the smallest things can make you question your purpose in life. i blame myself for for what he did. its probably the dumbest thing to think. that your best friend took his life just because you didn’t sit by him at lunch. the next day when i found out what had happened i felt like i wasn’t with my own body. i couldn’t feel anything. i didn’t freak out and i didn’t cry i just sat there staring at my desk and i couldn’t believe that he was gone and that i would never see him again. after that i started to think. i looked at things the way they were and saw something deeper in my life. but that thinking just made me see how much i didn’t matter. how much i don’t do. how much i screw up. i came close to doing it tons of times in the last year. i started cutting at one point and i started taking painkillers and i would always zone out. i felt so far from everyone else and i felt like there was only one way out. i hated myself and everyone i saw. i started seeing things for what they really were and i started hating everyone around me. i was just looking at a bunch of tools my age that had no sense of anything important and just say everything as a game and it made me sick. how all these people could be so oblivious to what matters. and that’s when i decided that i actually did have something in my life. i stopped hating myself and just started to feel good that i could see something important and that i finally knew what to do. after that i lost some friends because they said i wasn’t the way i used to be which just made me realize who my real friends were. and then i started being more social and i met a girl that im in love with now. and when i say that i don’t mean it the same way as all these other pricks say it where its just a common phrase that couples say. i say it like i mean it because i do. i definitely feel a lot more emotion and i still have my low points but now i can get over it and remember i have something and there are people that would miss me. ive talked a friend out of suicide also and now i feel like i have a life. and i know that even though it may not seem like it, there will always be people who care.