I Hate Living

I fucking hate my life. So I shit around, help other people with their lives in order to forget about my fucked up life… I know that won’t change anything, but I hate my life. I loathe it. I want to give up. I want to fucking give up everything. I can’t decide nor choose anything in my life. It’s all fucking manipulated by my parents even after highschool graduation. I hate living. I hate my family, I hate everything that is me. I just want to fucking kill myself. I a fucking useless shit infested with self-hatred. The judges won’t like me. I won’t be able to transfer university nor get any jobs. I hate my current school. I hate it because my family treat me like a retard because I go there. I care a lot what my family thinks or likes because they are the ones that hold all power in my life. They are the ones that have every control of what I am. I hate this. I hate going to universities as well.  I know very well that universities provide professional education, chances, experiences, credentials, broad social connection and so on, but it’s not for me. I don’t need it. I want to study arts and that field does not necessarily require the so-called ‘university education’ to show others that you are qualified unlike doctors and lawyers… Your mind and your work matters so much more than such things. I might later want to study arts in an university but not now. I am not ready for any higher education. But my family shoves their desires down my throat. They want me to follow the norms of going to university right after highschool graduation. My parents have tortured my entire childhood and teenage years crazy to go to universities. They threatened me that they will cut and confiscate all basic necessities it I did not. So I did as I was told.  I do not like the major. I was admitted into university but they are still angry because the college that I go to is not prestigious. THEY HATE IT. They don’t give a shit about what I would gain from schools. All they care is the title of the university so I can get a better job. This is just fucked up. But it isn’t considered absurd because in my little country, this shit is COMMON. So I tell them this is wrong, but they reply that they were through this, all others go through this. It isn’t convincing at all, because I don’t care what others do when it comes to making decisions in my own life. Why do I have to alter my choices because of others? I don’t care what they would think of me.They are still treating like a useless retard even after I went to university which they have been ruining my entire life for. The whole thing’s ridiculous.
That’s the reason why I’ve decided to transfer my school but it isn’t going so well. So they are angrier than ever. My parents have changed the plan. Instead of telling me directly how retarded I am and how my school’s a shit, since that will provide me the tag to accuse them of ruining my life, they are trying to change it to that I am the only reason of my fucked up life. So it becomes that my parents did their best to raise me but it was I, alone that made shit choices that eventually made myself useless. They are claiming that everything is because my choices. Yes, some of them were indeed my decisions, but they are dismissing the essential fact that I had no choice but to make those choices. They were the environmental factors that compelled me to make such decisions. They always ripped on me for I worthless shit I am. EVERY SINGLE DAY OF MY LIFE, I WAS TOLD THAT I CANNOT DO ANYTHING BECAUSE I AM USELESS. When I told them of my plans and goals, they laughed and jeered that I’m not capable. Yes, they brainwashed me to know that how useless and retarded I am, my whole life but I should still be going to prestigious universities. Oh duh irony. They want me to get a highly paid job so I’ll make more money for them. They threaten me that they will kick me out if I don’t get a highly paid jobs. I am their ATM, I am their money making machine for the future. That’s the reason why I am made and raised. That explains everything. They hate everything that I love or have interest in because I should be focused on making money instead of wasting my time on my personal interests.
When I tell them what they have done to me, just the objective facts only, they get so upset and resent that that’s what they get for years of hard work and cost they have put in to raise me. They get horrendously emotional and destroy objects and try to kill me on their whim. They are monsters controlled purely based on impulse. Nothing can stop them unless I knock them out with golf clubs which I cannot do even if I have to to survive. I just cringe in a corner while they do they beating. I did not say a word that implies my opinion. I just told what they did from an objective point of view. If they hate hearing their past acts, they shouldn’t have done it in the first place. They really should take a moment before they act.
They believe that there is absolutely no reason for me to be miserable nor have any difficulties in my life because they provide all the basic necessities. Well, in that case I ask if the farm animals are happy and satisfied with their lives. They are provided with overcrowded tiny cages(shelter), food and water. Ooooh they must be the most happiest creatures on earth because they don’t have to struggle for basic necessities. Farm animals are butchered at the end and so will I. I believe my family possess every potential to butcher me too when they desire to. Also, they have the third-world standards.
This is my daily life. I have more to say but I am getting tired of writing how shitty my life is. I wish I were dead. I am tired of the daily reminder that I am a piece of shit from my parents who control my life. I am tired of my fucked up life. I am tired of venting my misery here. If my rants here stop, it means I am no longer living because I know that my twisted life will never change. It won’t.