It Just Never Gets Easier..

Not Exactly Sure How To Start These. I’m Just Gonna Wing It.

From The Time I Was In Kindergarden I Was Bullied. Pushed Around, Bothered. No One Really Ever Left Me Alone. It Wasn’t Until 4th Grade It Started Getting Bad. I Started Getting In Trouble In School, I Owed 6,000 Hours Of Community Service By The Time I Had Finished 5th Grade. The Beginning Of 6th My Life Started Going Downhill Fast, My Parents Got Divorced, Week To Week With Mom And Dad. I Was Severely Unwanted At My Dad’s House. My Aunt Lived Next Door And My Uncle Lived Across The Street, I Couldn’t Walk Out My Door Without Getting Dirty Looks From Someone. I Didn’t Understand Why They Hated Me So Much As I Had Never Done Anything To Them. Forced To Go To My Grandparents All The Time When My Father Didn’t Want To Watch Me, My Grandmother Told Me I Was A Devil Child. I’ll Grow Up To Be Just Another Delinquent, Never Amounting To Anything Whoring Myself Off To Get By. I Was 12 I Didn’t Know What That Meant. When My Grandmother Refused To Watch Me, My Sister Would. She Didn’t Have It Easy Either And I Was Alot To Handle.. Whenever She Couldn’t Do It The Cops Would Come Over To Take Care Of Me.. Pretty Much Everyday. I Was Arrested For Assaulting And Officer And After That The Rest Of My Family On My Dads Side Had Disowned Me. My Mom’s Side – There Is No Family. So I’m On My Own. I Started Struggling.. Very Badly With Cutting And My Dad Got Abusive It Wasn’t Until I Had Told The Mediator About That Time My Dad Choked Me Against The Wall, That I Wasn’t Forced To Be There. The Next School Year Started And Over That Summer I Had Lost My Best Friend Annaleighah To Suicide. She Called Me At 3 In The Morning, I Was Grounded And Couldn’t Answer The Phone, My Dad Had Told Her To Stop Being an Idiot And To Stop Calling So Late. The Next Day I Had Gone To Her House To Find Her There.. In Her Bathroom. Wrists Slit Deeper Than I Could Ever Imagine And 7 Bottles Of Pills Completely Gone. I Was Expelled After The First Semester Of 7th Grade. I Had Started At A New School With All New Bullies And An All New Authority System To Deal With. That, Wasn’t Going So Well. Within The First Week Of School I Had Started Getting Letters In My Locke, “Kill Yourself, Or I’ll Do It For You” “Nobody Likes You, You’re Mad To Think You’ll Ever Be Wanted. Do Yourself a Favor And Top Yourself Off Yea?” My Parents Had Put Me In Counseling And Always Had Me Hyped Up On Meds – So I Was Never Really There. Mostly Numb. I Refused To Let My Counceler In And Eventually Started Abusing My Medications. The Only Reason I Continued To Go Without A Fight Was For The Prescription Adderalls. The Next Month They Refilled My Prescriptions And The Night I Got Them, I Took Them All. 8 Different Medications, 60 Pills In Each Bottle And It Didn’t Work. I Woke Up The Next Morning Puking Up Blood And Laughing But That Was As Far As It Went. The End Of 7th Grade Seemed To Come By Fast And I Was Tanking The Year Trying Desperately To Fit In. The Last Week Of School Came Up And I Did Enough Work To Pass Every Class With At Least C’s And D’s But they Refused My Work – Flunked Me And Made Me Repeat The Grade Anyways, But Went Ahead And Expelled Me Sending Me To Yet another School. I Went For The First 3 Weeks.. My English Teacher Had Called Me Out In Class “You Better Stop With Your Little ***** Attitude You Haven’t Done Shit Since You’ve Came To This School. What Are You Even Doing Here?” I Punched Him. Got Arrested Yet Again And Expelled. They Sent Me To A Juvinile Delinquent Facility Where You Are In A Class With A Maximum Of 15 Other Students. That’s where You Go When You Run Out Of schools To Get Kicked Out Of. I Went There For A While and One Day Just Walked Out, Never Came Back. Dropped Out In 7th Grade. Things Started Looking Up For Me, I Built A Very Close And Strong Relationship With My Mother And Made Some Good Friends. I Met A Guy And Lost My Virginity At 13. That’s All He Wanted. I Was Okay With That And To Get Back At Him Got With His Cousin. I Had this Thing For Older Guys – They Were 17 And 18, While I Was 13. But The Guy I Really Wanted Was 22. His Name Was Seth And He Had Graduated With My Older Sister. We Were Friends But Because Of His Job We Never Hung Out Alone. He Finally Made It To See Me, But I Had To Sneak Out At 2 In The Morning For It To Happen. We Went To the Park Right By My House. It Was Cold So We Cuddled And I Had Fallen Asleep. I Woke Up When I Started Getting Colder And Realized He Was Ripping My Pants Of.. I Begged Him To Stop And He Wouldn’t. I Kicked, And Screamed, And Bit And Punched.. But He Banged My Head Into The Concreate We Were On And Tied My Hands Behind My Back With My Pants. He Raped Me. Vaginally And Analy.I Had Passed Out Half Way Through From A Concussion And Woke Up 4 Hours Later Just As The Sprinklers To the Park Had Come On And Got My Pants On And Went Home. I Got Straight Into The Shower And Cried For About 4 Hours. I Didn’t Tell Anyone Until My Friend Had Asked Me Why I Looked Like I Was About To Cry Everytime Anyone Looked At Me, I Told Her What Had Happened And She Called The cops Without Me Knowing. My Mom Found Out and We Went Through The Needed Rape Kit Procedures. The Next Day He Had Called Me And I Let It Go To Voicemail, I Listened To It Curious As To What He Had To Say For Himself And All He Said Was “Hello Sweetheart, I See You” August 3rd, I Was Raped. The 5th The Case Was Opened. And On The 15th, My Birthday.. They ALMOST Let Him Go With Absolutely No Charges Or Fee’s.  Spent My Entire Birthday Crying And Afraid That He Was Going To come Do It Again. The 1rst Of November He Was Actually Sentenced And Put In Prison. The Hardest Part Of That Wasn’t Being Raped.. Or Talking About It.. Or Seth Even Almost Getting Away With It, The Hardest Part Was The Look On My Moms Face When She Found Out. And The Fact That I Didn’t Tell Her. When We Got Home From My Rape Kit She Had Told Me “Stay Outside. I Don’t Want To See Your Face. Stay Out Here Until I Fall Asleep.” A Month Later My Friend Whitney Hung Herself. Not Much Happened After That. Until Recently.

I Got With My Ex, Justin. He’s 20, Has A 5 Year Old Son. We Were Together For 2 Years, I Live In Idaho And He Lived In Delaware. We Weren’t Able To Meet Eachother And The Distance Became More Harsh On Us. We Broke Up Mutually And Are Best Friends. I Became Close Friends With His Best Friend Dylan Also. Back In April Dylan Was Terribly Upset All Day And I Was Trying To Cheer Him Up But Nothing Was Working. I Felt Horrible That I Couldn’t Help But I Was Falling Asleep I Had Stayed Up All Night With Him And Most Of The Day, I Told Justin What Was Going On And He Took It From There Until He Fell Asleep. Dylan Called Me At 3 In the Morning, I Was Trying To Sleep So I Didn’t Answer It. He Left A Voicemail But I Didn’t Listen To It Right Away And When He Called an Hour Later I Ignored The Call. 10 Minutes Later I Got A Call From Justin By Now I Was Awake From All The Calls And Answered The Phone And Justin Was Crying, Screaming, Breaking Things And Yelling At Me. “You Didn’t Answer, He Called You And You Ignored It. He Fucking Needed You And You Sent Him To Voicemail” Dylan Had Hung Himself 5 Minutes Before Justin Got To His House. And It Was My Fault.

Things Are Harder Now. I Have No Friends Here, I Have The Best Friends Anyone Could Ask For But Their Either In Delaware, Florida, New Zealand, Britain, London, Ireland, Antarctica, Nevada, Nebraska, Or Ohio.. I Mean I Never Leave My House. I’m Just So Desperate For a Hug And A Shoulder To Cry On And None Of That Is In Reach. It’s Difficult Going On With This Guilt Everyday, To Think If I Would Have Just Answered.. Dylan Would Still Be Here.. Or If I Wouldn’t Have Been Grounded Annaleighah Would Still Be Alive.. Or If I Wasn’t So Depressing Whitney Would Still Be Here.

I Mean I Guess That’s The End Of This, lol. Uhh – If You Made It This Far Into My Story, Congratulations? I Guess. You’ve Officially Learned all The Worst Parts Of My Life. And I Dunno Maybe I Can Post Back Here In A While and Tell You All Things Have Looked Up Since Today. Right Now It’s Not Looking So Good.

Thanks For Listening And, Fair Wins – Anonymous