all i want to do is jump from the fucking top floor window. i dont want to be talked to like this. i dont want to be treated like this. it’s not ok. it is not okay to keep feeling like this. what the fuck am i doing wrong?! what the fuck am i doing?! what the fuck?! what the fuck?! whether i talk in a calm sincere loving voice, whether i beg and plead, whether i shout from the top of my lungs, nothing works. nothing fucking works. no i just get fucking screamed at after ive screamed because all of this has caused […]
July 2013
one fucking day. do i have to cry every fucking day?! what a fucking hypocrite. i dont get any respect. i dont get treated equally. it kills me. i cant take this. my voice is useless. quiet or loud it’s a problem. everything is a fucking problem. damn right i have an attitude. can the issues i bring up be addressed?! can i just be understood this fucking once?! do i always have to be fucking disrespected, misunderstood, or just ignored altogether?! what kind of fucking life is this?! what the fuck?! there is nothing nowhere and no one to turn to. what the fuck. […]
I have been thinking and thinking
To speak what I have in my mind.
I have been failing and failing
Every single time.
Either I have too much to say,
Or maybe my vocabulary sucks to my dismay.
I have tried to talk to the people I know,
I have tried to write it and show.
But I’m just used to hold everything in
And sadly some how it shows on my skin.
Bottled up feelings, tears I don’t cry,
My jumbled up pieces ,eat me up inside.,
My heart feels a pain, it’s hard to describe,
The tears that I cried, killed […]
you all laugh at me
stairing my scars
but u would never understand
my razors are my only painkillers
when i was left alone last night
in the only place i ve find
i didnt know how to hide
all my pain burried deep inside
but you would never understand
the feeling that comes
when all u have
is the blade in your hand
seeing your life ahead
cursing the life u left behind
when all u wanted
is to feel alive
They say im 18
but im still a child
who falls every night
wish someone could save her
just to make her feel alive
They say im mature
but im still a child
who’s not ready
for the painful rides
im so afraid
these things will never change
and her pain inside
yes im a child
and i cant hide
my pain
which is burried
deep inside
im acting
just like a child
because they would never understand
the feeling that comes
when u cut ur hands side by side
I can see that this is how things will continue to be. I wake up every day worried. On a Saturday where I have the choice to not interact with the world and just hide from it. My best friend can tell something is not right, but I just don’t want to have that conversation anymore. Unless you have experienced it yourself, there are simply no words to express the darkness. Some of us are just damaged and broken.  I feel like I don’t fit anywhere in this life.
I am losing this battle. My battle to live, experience joy. My life is so consumed by my fears of failing […]
I may not mind existing so much if I was invisible. If nobody could seee. That’s how I feel anyways, invisible. Nobody sees me. Nobody looks at me. I am surrounded by “family” and yet completely invisible. I could disappear and it make no differen e. I could evaporate into thin air and nobody notice. What kind of existance is that?
In my life I’ve had several moments where I felt ‘stuck’ or ‘trapped.’ Â I wish that people truly understood the depth and complexity of those words to me. Â My life has had its challenges, but what upsets me the most is that I truly am privileged.
I have major depressive disorder, but I am privileged. Â I have a father that was a cheater in all three of his marriages and emotionally abusive towards me, but he is a Professor and exposed me to the world of learning and higher education. Â I also have a father that through his cheating contracted HIV, but thankfully my mother did […]
I am still alive. now at the age of 21 looking back on what i have been trough and it starts making sense again.
I reached to the breaking point again and remembered this site from long ago and was thinking i should spill my thoughts here.
I never told much about my self from the few posts i made here and now i feel is the time to reveal some details about myself just so things would seem more clearly.
so what to begin with? since when i was a little kid our family had lots of problems. we never were a big family, […]
Hi, nobody’s even gonna read this but I guess it’s better to let it out.
I’m Lara, I live in the UK. I have a loving family, good friends and a pretty great life. I have a lot more than I need and i’m very grateful for what I have. But something just isn’t right. For two years now, i’ve been having thoughts of suicide and have been inflicting pain on myself. I don’t feel the pain anymore. Around the time I started having these thoughts, my friend was diagnosed with slight depression and bipolar disorder but her mood swings were far less severe than mine. […]
Well, I’ve been psycho for past few months. I got betrayed by my friend, live bullying and shit. Some damn kids use the adult relationships to ruin my life since kid. They bully me for so many years already and still do. It’s very humiliating cause they’re like 6 years or younger than me.
At school, I am forced to tell jokes to please my friends. I just get addicted to it. I couldn’t quit.
I also got severe pain or knife moving inside my face. Yes, I mean KNIFE. It mutated, moves and hurts like hell for every damn second for the past decade. It’s like […]
Yesterday the day started off great but then it just went downhill. By twelve I felt really down and I really just felt like I had no emotions apart from sadness. None of my family know about what I feel like or how I feel and they can’t because if they did then they might make me go to counselling or therapy or make me go see a doctor. Only my mate knows and she is really understanding. She knows about this site but she hasn’t told my parents so it is good because I can talk to a mate. Â I don’t know anyone else […]
I don’t have the energy or clarity of mind to even write all the reasons why I feel this way. All I know, is that the last 32 years, including my horrific so called childhood have been fraught with worry and pain. I think of suicide at least once a minute these days (past year). No-one would put an animal through this much pain and inner turmoil, so why do I have to live with this? The only reason i’m still alive is the fear of my suicide failing and being left with a damaged body to live within whilst being caged in a mental […]
I’m 33, mother of 4, 2 with severe disabilities, several months ago my husband said he wanted a divorce, doesn’t want counselling, doesn’t want to try again.
im destroyed, I have told him how i feel, he doesn’t care, he has been seeing someone else for months, he sees me telling him I want to die as blackmail.
due to my kids disabilities I have access to a rather large collection of drugs, hopefully it will be enough.
Just looking for someone to chat to. Email: Teresias1@hotmail.com or put your e mail as comment.
Ok ok, yes, I’m aware that there are people out there with bigger problems than myself. But I thought I’d post this, nonetheless.
I’ve got a lot of love in my heart. That’s fine, right? Yeah.
I’m sad to say, I have chased anything with boobs for awhile now, and I think it is partly because of me being adopted, the abuse I went through as a kid, and a relationship that has never been very good with my parents.
But anyways, I’m done chasing, and quite honestly, am ok with that.
I wake up in the morning or night, depending on when I sleep, […]
I spend a lot of my day thinking about my life , thinking about where it went wrong, how did this happen too me?. I was once happy and joyful now that me is gone i spend most of my day  wanting too end my own life because I am tired of it i am tired of waking up everyday doing the same shit over and over again and each and everyday it gets worse and harder. I go to sleep literally praying for death then  i wake up still alive and it starts all over again. I think about suicide A LOT more then […]
The pain inside was so bad it would hurt to breath or talk. Their were days that I hated opening my eyes in the morning because it meant dealing with this bullshit one more day. It hurt so bad. Everyday for a while now I’ve asked myself, with no answer, why did they break my heart? It had to be an accident right? No one every intentionally hurts you like this, do they? I was asking questions I already knew the answer too. I think I deserved it. I had too. The pain inside is so bad, your body is just not able to handle […]
every fucking day of my life. same shit different day. every fucking day. if it’s not all day, it’s on and off throughout the day. a fucking roller coster. there is no one. no one who fucking gets it. you would think id get some sort of sense of compassion and be treated somewhat equally. no. my sense of reality is skewed?! maybe sometimes it is. but theirs? so fucking skewed. so wrong. it hurts so fucking badly. just fucking excuses. every fucking day. there is no one. when i thought there was someone. there is fucking no one. but im the MORON who keeps […]
Ok well I told my family how I felt and how I want to end my probelms. They under stood and did not get angry they just didn’t understand how I could be sad with everything that I have. I told them about how my past constantly follows me and eats at me. My father suggested a therapist and I agreed only to see how it goes. We also decided as a family to wait until October and look for one. I’m not sure how long I can wait but I will try for my family. I didn’t tell them however that I cut and […]