Since I sold my car (that my wonderful ex bought me when I completed a depression rehab stint) I told my therapist that I woulnd’t be able to attend our sessions anymore… She of course rebuttled saying “No Ma’am, we can FaceTime chat instead”. Faaantastic.Â
So I just spent the last hour (and $250 bucks) lying through my webcam about how much better I’m doing. And no, those arent boxes in the background of my room that I’ve packed up for my departure! Ha. Whether she bought it or not at least I have the rest of the night to listen to the ocean and write some more letters to family and friends.
Anyone else lie to their therapist(s)? I know its counterproductive.
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If we were completely honest I’d be back in a hospital. Luckily I find myself without medical right now so….no more meds or therapy. I tried to be honest butthey always wanted to lock me up im a hospital again. Haha damn though that therapist wants her cash~
Would you be curled up with your teddy bear?
The surest path to sanity is by hugging your doll passionately.
C’mon, you know it’s true.
saw my fam jam doctor the other day. lied straight to her face about how im doing. i hate it. worst feeling ever. if i told her the truth. it would’ve started something like this. “have you heard of the site suicideprevention…?” lol wudve seen her eyes grow into planets. i saw her for free tho. i didnt and wouldnt ever blow 250 smackeroos on a counseling appt. man, thats some doe.
Lol thats the price of psychotherapy in hollywood. Dumb, but whatever. She’s a really nice lady, I just feel bad that I’ll be basically a huge failure on her track record…
hollywood everything you thought it would be? guess not since you’re feeling this way.
i feel that way in regards to a couple of my docs i’ve seen in the past. when they find out they’ll just feel super bad they werent able to help me.
@killswitchon You know, I have a love-hate relationship with Hollwood. I’ve had a lot of good times and made friends with super cool people. And even saw Lindsay Lohan doing blow in a hotel bar bathroom. And I worked in a club in west hollywood for a couple of years. Ha. But its so superficial after a while. I’m really looking forward to being with nature again. How are you? Where in the world do you spend your time?
HA as if. you actually saw lindsay doing that. was watching an interview of her on letterman recently and she looked like she’d been through a lot. its the acting/film hub of the U.S. so I would think it could become fake after a while. I used to do some acting. nothing big time. local theatre companies. i’ve seen better days. been planning my exit for a while. just need to find the right way. Ottawa, Ontario. government town. nothing special.
being an exotic dancer… it must’ve revamped your view of men eh? I’m really curious as to how it changed your perspective on men as a whole and if you got gratification from the attention. in a way you must feel good because every day it reinforces that you look alright. but in another sense it must leave you starving for emotional affirmation too?
@killswitchon Yeah, Lohan is pretty rough, but shes in rehab in Malibu right now. The same one I went to for Depression/eating disorder stuff. From the people I still know who are there shes actually not a bad person. So what ways have you thought about using to exit? I’ve literally read/thought/attempted everything under the sun. Finally have a system locked down that *fingers crossed* is fool-proof. Never been to Ontario, but I have taken a train to Montreal! 😛
As far as dancing goes it started off as a means to an end to pay for college, as cliche as that sounds. It kinda sucked me into the lifestlye though… blonde hair, fake breasts, etc. The attention was fine, suprisingly a lot of the men wanted companionship and not just a girl grinding on their lap. That turned out to be my fav aspect of the job actually. I talked to soooo many people who I would never normally speak with about everything under the sun. Strippers are just really hot therapists, swear to god. But again, after a while you get jaded. At bars I assumed any man coming up to me wanted to pay for my attention or wanted something from me… I became chronically single ever since. Deadly cocktail… stripping, depression, isolation.
I’ve been talking it over with a friend of mine who I met on this site and theres something called ******** that im trying to get my hands on. havent looked into it yet but kills the nervous system. apparently its painless. doctors in switzerland use it at assisted suicide facilities. it sounds like the ideal way to go if there ever was such a thing as an ideal suicide. my idea before this revelation was takin my car and ramming it into a tree as hard as I could. no seat belt and hope I don’t fuck it up. don’t want to risk staying alive after something like that. ha i used to love montreal. my ex goes to school there. i cant stand the thought of it now. she ruined a city for me. u were in the heart of frenchvillage there. im a little french and got some family on the quebec side but i usually stay away from the french fuckers. 😛
I heard some similar stories. its a vortex that pulls you in. next thing you know you’re dancin on a pole. good work out tho i can imagine. i just cant fathom how a girl like you can feel alone. dont you have men and people who want to spend time wiht you? or are you worried they just want you physically? i guess thats the double edged sword for good looking people. I aint too hard on the eyes myself but men are more visually stimulated than women. Are you scared to open up is that it? I can see this has been a gradual process of bringing you to this point but whats the driving factor of feeling hopelessness for you? for sure. lots of guys are just lonely. i’ve never been into strip clubs. not my scene but if i ever were to go it’d probly be for to fill a certain love void. haha really hot therapists. really expensive too. lol hmm. how old are you? im gonna say 25 max. feelin maybe 26.
********! Ahh the magical suicide cocktail. Its a barbituate, but very hard to come across. Its in the same family as the pills I bought from India. So again, they are available. The ones I have are Phenobarbital, anything ending in “tal”is usually a barb. Seconal, ********, etc. So my exit will be mostly swift and hopefully painless using the meds. Just need to pick a place to go.
I feel ya on having a city ruined by an ex. Its the worst. Especially when its your home town… Did you go to school? What do you do for work?
I do have men and people that want to be around me, etc, but I’m a loner by nature. I just dont look like it on the outside, which makes it that much harder for people to understand. My best memories were sitting alone in the library studying and reading until 4am. Not partying all night and blowing $$. You should def check out a strip club at least once in your life, its a whole dif world behind those doors haha. We’re not all money hungry drug addicts. And I’ll be 23 in a month… old soul I guess.