Sometimes I wonder why I woke up a year ago. I have just been having a really hard time lately. And I don’t know if I’m just overly obsessing over dying or what. It’s not like I want to try to kill myself. Well I do sometimes. I just wish I hadn’t woke up alive a year ago. I know that good things have happened this past year and I recognize everything I have in my life so why do I still think that? I just feel lost. And I’m taking my medicine like I should be. Why isn’t it working any more? It’s frustrating. I hate taking medicine. And I feel like if my medicine has started to work less it just feels like I’m just hopeless. I’m tired. I can’t sleep at all basically. I feel alone. And I just want to feel something different. I want to take a million pills, not because I want to kill myself right now but because I just want to feel something else. I wish I had some pills. I just feel like everything inside of me is so conflicting right now. I just feel like I can’t describe it. I’m just really tired and I wish someone around me would understand.
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I think we all feel alone. I used to have a lot of people around me and I thought they cared. One by one I realized that they don’t. I only have a few people left in my life. The only person that really ever understood my condition is leaving soon. And even they don’t really understand the suicidal part of it. I have been to the point that I couldn’t go on any more. And for a while I did nothing. I’m at the point again where I have no choice but to go on. To do the things I have to do. It helps to have a task in front of me and just focus on that, let everything else fade away. It’s the quiet moments when it comes back. That sinking feeling. Helplessness and hopelessness.