I haven’t been on here in months and I won’t deny that things have actually gotten much worse. I mean one minute I’m saying “I got this, I can make it” and the next I’m saying “okay I’ll just end it all on my 21st birthday.” My feelings go back and fourth. And now it’s just all coming back. My plan was to end it all on my 21st. To see if things ever get better. I realize that im still young, and all that, but some people just weren’t meant for life. Sometimes I feel bad because I wasn’t put through so much torture and hurt like most people. I’m just your average girl who was hurt through school a lot by students and even teachers. And Even though this is my second year of college, which by the way isn’t working out so good, I still have so much bad memories that I can’t or never will let go off. From being called ugly and never having a boyfriend, first kiss, or anything romantic, it can all get to you. You won’t believe how bad I got treated. It’s not just normal tv bullying, it was horrible. I know I should put the past behind me, but words, will literally kill you. They will you eat you up and ruin your life, especially if you actually care about other people opinions. I tried the whole “makeover” thing, and I look horrible, just as worse. I tried on different styles of clothes, hair, make up, there is nothing that will make me happy about my looks. Nothing. So I tried thinking differently, positive, I started saying “I am beautiful” everyday to change my personal outlook. Here I am a month later wanting to commit suicide, so obviously that didn’t work. As far as having a future for myself, I literally see nothing. The other day I asked myself “Where do you see yourself in 10 years” and a blank image came in mind. Nothing. I saw nothing. When I was younger I saw so many things, but now I see absolutely nothing. Then I ask, 5 years. And I sometimes just see myself homeless or dead. The only thing that keeps me from taking my own life is my religion: Afterlife. But I think one day I won’t care. And I’ll do it. The only regret I have is my mom. Leaving her. Life will not get better for me. I know it won’t. I hate when people tell me “it gets better” but it don’t and never will. Lies. So here I am. Another year, still a failure. I can’t wait until I’m 21.
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3 comments
So you’ve been gone for how long? I think you need to give life a little bit more time before you totally write your efforts off as useless.
What do you want out of life? To be pretty? Welcome to the world of the ugly! Inside and out. It’s not perfect but it’s home. People have told me that I was meant to be alone before! It wasn’t true..but I had I live long enough to find that out. My wife describes her family as “the house of the ugly” but I think she is beautiful inside and out. I don’t know exactly what your whole story is but keep trying and don’t give up.
i can kind of relate in a lot of ways. I feel pretty hideous. I have a lot of acne scarring and it’s just gotten out of hand. I honestly want to see a picture because I can’t imagine someone ever being so bad that literally everyone around them made fun of them. That’s so terrible that they did that to you. But the saddest part is that you now believe it. The fact that you had hopes and dreams as a child means you didn’t always feel that way about yourself. These people put these ideas in your head and sadly, now you think they’re true.
I’m right there with you about how one minute you’re like oh yeah life’s not so hard, I got this. Then the next minute, you look in the mirror, or remember something mean someone once said and you just crumble and could literally end it all, right there. I completely understand. And I can’t tell you to do it or not to do it. Because I’m so unsure myself of what I will do in the future. I’ll be turning 22 though. But my mom is pretty much the only one keeping me here as well. Lots of parallels. Also, positive affirmations only work I think if you can believe them. So maybe since you think you’re ugly..(I do as well) saying I am beautiful to yourself won’t be effective cause you’ll know you’re just trying to trick yourself. Instead maybe say “I am worthy” or “I mean a lot to people” or “There’s still things for me to do in this world”… cause I’ve actually known plenty of unattractive people in my lifetime who had so much worth because more of what they did than how they looked. This world does judge on looks a lot. But they only matter so much, really. And that’s coming from someone who gets down about their looks every day.
You seem to have the same thought process as me when I was your age. I know you don’t think it’s going to get better, I didn’t at that age, it has got(I hate that word) better, not by much but it has. I am sure you are beautiful, and it is an everyday struggle for me. I am 33 now and like I said it still is a struggle some days for me. There are good people out there you just have to find them. If you want to talk just reply to this and we will set something up.