If I let anyone in close I just know that something will fall apart and I’ll be the one left behind trying to piece together the broken pieces of myself that have just been thrown back into my face. I have become the cold, detached one now, everyone’s not-quite friend, fun, sarcastic and vaguely interesting but never warm, inviting, or worth growing closer to. I am not the person you confess your deepest secrets to and I am not the one you go to for advice and I don’t really want to be (or do I?). I am hard to get hold of and impossible to hold onto, although I don’t think anybody’s ever tried. I am alone entirely and I’m finding it increasingly difficult to connect with people. I’m trying to tell myself that it’s better off this way because it means that no one can hurt me, it’s just that I think maybe I’m the one hurting myself in this situation, that I’m figuratively tearing myself to pieces just so that nobody else can. That makes sense to me, sort of. I know it shouldn’t, but it does. Because at least that means I am the way I am because of me, at least I know who to blame- myself. And that’s okay. Except it isn’t. Â Because if it makes sense to be this way, then why does it feel so awful and why am I so trapped and unable to turn it off? I’ve basically sabotaged any chance of not being alone out of fear of pain and rejection. And yet all that’s happened is now I’m hurting inside and I’ve essentially not only rejected myself, but everyone else too. So it all backfired and now I don’t know how to change it and I’ve tried changing myself but it isn’t working yet and I’m more alone than ever.
I’m just so so so alone. And so lonely. I’ve been trying to be okay with being on my own, you know? Trying to convince myself that I can be alone without being lonely, that I can take care of myself and be okay. And I can take care of myself, yeah. I just get tired of it sometimes, I get tired of me and I get tired of being the only person I have. I just feel so alone right now that I feel hollow and I sort of physically ache with it all. I’m trying to be okay but it’s just so so so hard to drag myself through every single day and it’s sometimes so hard to convince myself that if I keep trying to open up, to be more okay, that eventually tomorrow will be brighter. And it will be, I honestly think that. I really do think that at some time in the future I’ll somehow have made it through these fights with myself and I’ll be okay. More than okay, hopefully. I want to be amazing. And I can be, I think. I just need some help of some kind, I just don’t know what I need and even if I did know I wouldn’t know how to ask for it. At the moment it’s just all about getting by each day and coping okay with stuff, being as nice to myself as I can manage and trying to remember to smile and be friendly where possible. It’s just so so hard, especially when I’m aching with the tiredness of staying up all night for fear of lying in bed thinking about scary things. It’s hard and I’m so alone and I just really hope I can somehow make it through before it’s too late.