I seem to be flipping between fear of death & an inclination to embrace it. Sometimes I feel dread at the prospect of some of the diseases that I’m obviously encouraging through smoking & drinking to excess; other times I feel so completely obliterated that I wish it would just end – I don’t have the energy to do it myself, so just melt away with lethargy: too tired even to sleep. UK gun laws don’t make it quick or easy.
I occasionally see comments from people who thank whatever deity for having a good life. OK, I wasn’t borne malformed, I guess I’ve never gone hungry, but generally I think my life’s been crap. Every time I ever made anything for myself, someone took it away. Never was given the opportunities presented to my peers, not even the chance to complain about it.
“live for the day!” – what the hell does that mean? I go out & do what? Get drunk again? Last time I tried to score some weed I got robbed; can’t even get that right.
No family left, moved around so much thanks to previous partner (dead) that I’ve got no friends, horrible neighbourhood, horrible country; business messed up thanks to an ex-business partner who wrecked & stole from me. Every time I try to move along, someone or something kicks me back down. Frankly I don’t know myself whether I’m clinically depressed (score 65 on the test) or if I’m just having a really bad life!
Finally married my dream girl the other year only to discover that she was barren & a Hep C carrier. Had my bloods tested the other week to discover that I’m as fit as a flea; everything normal, 41 years & a cholesterol count of 3.4 – I’ve felt like this for the last 20 years or more: my first & only suicide attempt so far was to drink 2 bottles of spirits when I was still in my early 20’s. Might have worked if I hadn’t thrown it up in my sleep. Daren’t discuss any of this with my wife, couldn’t endure the pain that I’d be putting her through; added to which even on here I see wreckless comments like “attention seeking” etc: I don’t discuss this with anyone, so how does that figure??
Not sure if I’m ready to die, but I’m sure as hell sick of living like this.
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“attention seeker” is the most ignorant term used to describe a depressed suicidal person. A person who wants attention does things to gain attention. Depressed people usually are withdrawn, want very little contact with people and usually draw very little attention to themselves. At least this is how I am.
I see you said you aren’t ready to die which can be good thing depending on your perspective. Personally, I’d actually prefer death at this point and I want it. Death doesn’t scare me as much as dying does. The moments it takes to actually die are what makes me fearful and hesitant although I’m losing this fear with each wretched day that goes pass.
People always say stupid ass quotes like that “live for the day”. I mean really what the fuck does that mean? I’m tired of living for the day the day does nothing but reminds me I exist. Why should I care about the day at all? It doesn’t give a fuck about me. The day doesn’t care about my problems it goes on and invites the next one. I prefer “exist for the day” because that’s really what I’m doing…..just existing not living. The only thing me and dead people don’t have in common are bodily functions otherwise I feel just like they do. Dead.
As for your wife….hell at least you have one. At least there is somebody there to live for and cherish. Maybe she can’t make the problems go away and she isn’t perfect but at least you aren’t alone. I actually prefer to be alone though…..due to the fact that I’m not very sociable I don’t like other people because most of them cast a net of stigma over all the people who have mental problems, they don’t understand or even try to. They either give you pity or a “diagnosis” and they can take both a shove them up their asses. I hate the snide and just outright insensitive judgements they make. I just rather be alone.
As far as diseases go? “life is the strongest terminal illness and the death rate is 100%”
I think I’d go along with that – most people see me as amiable & gregarious; I don’t let them see (even my wife) my depressed side: as you say, withdrawn. Can’t answer the ‘phone or the door, afraid to open mail (including email), using alcohol as an escape mechanism.
The few friends I make generally make a run for it as soon as they learn how ill I am with the booze – very few people yet understand it as a disease, one that affects a quarter of the general population, so I wind up drinking alone, hiding myself away from judgemental eyes.
No attention seeking going on here, I can’t think of anyone who knows me that I would dare to share this with for fear of rejection, stigma & labels.
“If you ever want to get rid of somebody? tell them you’re suicidal” I really believe that to be true. If people haven’t experienced it 1st hand they will judge you and distance themselves. Society stigmatizes mental issues they brand you like cattle. Alcohol is your coping method I get that I understand because I know what it feels like. They say “life ain’t easy” but whose fucking idea was it to make it this goddamn difficult?
Can’t say as i can offer much advice.. but it is nice to hear that someone else is roughly my age and going through a similar situation. Through trial and error, i’ve found i can keep myself relatively stable through strenuous exercise.. or adrenaline chasing.
That’s my coping strategy as opposed to alcohol.. failing that, i live to keep my family from suffering through my death. It’s emotional blackmail but I had the opportunity to see my best friend die by his own hand and the wreckage that followed. I can still remember meeting his father and how completely hollow he seemed.. just empty.
So live for your wife…
Thanks Roak,
You’re an adrenaline junky instead of a wreck-head, I’m certain your method is more healthy! In actuality, you’re doing pretty much the same as me although I guess you’re far less likely to wake up in jail with no memory of how you got there 😛
Please be careful of your joints: if you knacker your knees you’ll probably substitute substance for endorphins, & they’re pretty close to morphiates – don’t go there. Especially, don’t run down hill (not meant as a pun).
As yet I don’t live with my wife, she’s half-way across the other side of the world. Nevertheless, you’re right in terms of self-inflicted emotional blackmail: I could hurt me, but I can’t hurt her.
Please don’t feel that you have to offer advice – one thing I’ve noticed on this forum is the acuity level: we all appear to offer far more cognisance than the average, that’s why the quacks & councillors offer us nothing. It is, however, a great relief to know that someone finally understands.