So it’s been a couple months since I posted, and I kinda left on bad terms. I didn’t think I needed this site but I apparently do. After I left I tried writing in a journal just to get some thoughts out which was found by a family member of mine and a lot of shit went down. Which is why my username has changed as well because I needed a new identity. Lately, things have been so up and down. I go through periods of time where I’m so happy and then other times when I feel like I’m suffocating and just break down and cry. Is that normal? I run with a group of friends who are really similar to me; we all come from a broken home life of some sort that has left us mentally and physically scarred. When I’m with them I feel like I’m safe, like I’m with people who won’t judge me and who will allow me to be myself. But I’ve always felt like there are still secrets being kept between us…and it doesn’t help that I’ve completely fallen in love with my best friend and I know for a fact she doesn’t love me in the same way. I’m always so saddened by her love for someone else and when I called her out on it she says she loves us both in two completely different ways…which I understand but I just wish she loved me as intensely as I love her. The one she loves deals with depression and self harm just like me, but I never feel the same love and support she gives to the other girl. I guess you could say in a way that I’m definitely jealous of their relationship and I don’t understand why my pain doesn’t cause the same reaction with her like it doesn’t with the other girl. Another thing that has me really down is that the majority of my close friends are leaving in less than 2 weeks to go off to college. I’ll be starting college as well but it’s community college so I’m stuck in my dinky little town with a shit family and no close friends. I don’t want to be left here feeling like everyone else is off starting their life. I’m so afraid of everyone moving on and becoming a new person and I’ll just be forever stuck in a dark and depressing life. I’ve had such a fantastic summer hanging out friends, partying a little bit, and just simply having fun…but the thought of ending up alone always seems to crawl back into my head. And it terrifies me. There is nothing more scary to me than having absolutely no one. Also since I left the site I started to cut again, and it’s been about a month or two since I last did it because my friend threatened to tell on me…which has me worried that when she leaves nothing will stop me from doing it again. Ugh, I just need these horrible thoughts out of my head.
share your suicide story
Report Post
Please log in to report posts
2 comments
Being alone is a common thought for me as well. I mean, just read some of my posts, you’ll see.
I know how you feel about the college things. I too, feel as if people are all going to move along with their lives, but me, not so much.
You are going this year, I’m going next, but we both do still struggle with our same worries.
I know it’s not much, but if you would like to email me, just as someone to talk to, feel free. I know it’s not the same as a close great relationship, but it’s something, right?
My email is brl.cents@gmail.com
Thank you, I’ll probably take you up on your offer once everyone is gone. It’s nice to hear though that I’m not completely alone!