Fighting the demons again

I have spent more than half of my life dealing with depression and anxiety.  I was sexually abused by my father, physically abused, emotionally abandoned, not believed…  I’ve fought long and hard to overcome the effects of such trauma.  I have a decent life.  I have a job; I am a mother and a wife; I have a few good friends; a strong support system.  I ‘behave’ myself–don’t drink, don’t do drugs, take my medications, and I don’t cut.  So then why is it that I want to start cutting again; why is it that I wish I could just be gone?  My counselor, bless him, he’s worried.  My psychiatrist, she doesn’t know what else to do with the meds.  I don’t sleep through the night, have terrible nightmares, like when the PTSD was at it’s worst.  It’s like the wall I had fortified for so many years, the barrier that allowed me to be ‘normal’ has faltered.  I feel like a fake, a total facade of a human being.  I don’t want to feel this way.  I’m afraid, afraid that it might get so bad that I’d do it.  I don’t want to hurt my family like that.  And it would almost seem like ‘he’ won, then, wouldn’t it.  But what if this gets so bad I can’t stand it?  Thank you for reading this, if you got this far.