Hi everyone!

Hi! I’m a 29 year old male and have suffered with clinical depression and acute anxiety (not the generalised “everyday” variety) my whole life. My story is most likely the same as everyone on here but at the same time I understand everyone’s different. I read a few posts from teenagers on here and let me tell you, I know what your going through and it’s a nightmare. But there is hope. And sites like this one do more for society than YouTube, Facebook, etc. all combined. Especially teenagers.

Anyway I abused alcohol from a young age because I didn’t know what was wrong with me. I’d get jittery all the time, isolate, feel like I was strange, different.
I think what happens is that, at least for me, the going from “normal, happy, lots of friends etc” to as I stated above, is that when your 13 years old, you don’t know anything about anxiety disorders or depression. So I kind of winged it, became a bit if a chameleon, drank to stop the anxiety and depression, at least for the moment/day/week.

Alcohol has been a problem in my life because of symptoms that are stigmatised.
Growing up through puberty and young manhood, it was like a wild ride. I had no
Clue as to why I thought the things I did, or viewed the world like I did, or thought that I could one minute achieve everything I want and the next feel like the world was caving in on me.

Now alcohol is a symptom, it’s not the problem. It becomes a problem when the symptoms aren’t addressed properly. I’ve been on every anti depressant known to man and it again is a safety net (a lot better than substance abuse), but I have needed to learn, and am still learning that a safety net has to be there when absolutely needed, not jumped into as soon as you have a bad day (as in medication should be seen as a little support but YOU have to do the rest.).

Now, suicidal. Yes, many times. I broke up with someone who I thought was the only girl is ever really connected with in England, about 5 years ago (I’m Australian, just thought I’d throw that in there). And after she kicked me out (drinking, lying, depression, or rather not being responsible for myself). I went to London and stayed in a cheap backpackers in East Victoria. I remember getting up everyday and looking out the window and thinking what it would feel like to hit the concrete (my room was on the 8th floor). And I did that for days until I realised that I’d not been responsible. I’d forgotten everything i’d learnt through counselling and support networks. Running my own show. Sabotage everything because my own shit was too hard to deal with. Well I realised I had 2 choices, jump or face up to that shit that I’m running from.

Since then I’ve had years of sobriety and happiness,but also months of relapse, bad relationships, then coming good again, and then hiding out and isolating for months, and then getting back into healthy routines and feeling great.

I feel suicidal, it’s in me. It’s depression, it’s anxiety, and it’s real. I live with it everyday. And as I can tell from reading posts on here, a lot of other people do too. And that’s awesome, because we can help each other. Today I had a good day. Tomorrow I might have a slump and feel like life ain’t worth it. But It is, and it’s hard to tell my ridiculous mind that when I have a breakdown in a shopping centre or can’t get out of bed. Just keep talking and sharing works. One day at a time as they say.