How Can I Beat Chronic Pain? (Story)(Sad)

My childhood was rather decent, not many complaints at all.  Parents provided the bare necessities.  Always had food to eat, and a shelter.  Anything beyond that was never a given.  My dad even to this day is a fast tempered, no patience possessing, self-righteous man.  He can do no wrong.  When I was growing up, he eventually became a preacher when I was 11.  No one is perfect, but witnessing him put on a face of kindness and gentleness in the church congregation every Sunday, and then, even sometimes later that day, flip out on me as his own blood really ruined my faith in God.  Not only that though, as I will explain later.  Anyway, all that prayer never really changed anything.  Yet, year after year, i was forced to attend church every Sunday and hope for a change as i watched his act in public preaching to the congregation.  I’m 21 now, still living with my parents, and his attitude hasn’t ever improved.

My mom really tried her best to be a great parent, and she very much is/was to an extent.   However, her specific love for me, combined with her religious beliefs sheltered me from potential friendships, birthday parties, movies, eating out. etc.  I was a lonely homebody growing up, and never really had friends besides those i saw at church on Sundays.  She is the type of mother who is very controlling, wants to know every detail about where you’re going, coming back, and if I dare tried to talk to her about disagreeing, she would flip out on me in a second.

These are parents that likely loved me, but never comforted me with the love, conversation, and activities to build my esteem, and pride.  Being religious at the time, I was being taught that I should pray, and God will work everything out.  I know now, that being passive and accepting negativity is no way to live.  But lots of children come from infinitely worse backgrounds than me.

I had no true friends in high school.  Never went to a party, was teased almost every day, but i got through it somehow.  I knew life had to be better after high school.

Following high school graduation, I enrolled into a community college, as my parents agreed to pay for the tuition.  I was studying to become a nurse (RN), to help others, and heal the sick and shut in.  I could honestly careless about the money, as I was used to not having much growing up.  I however, earnestly wanted a career revolving around helping others.  Throughout college, I was making straight A’s in my pre-requisites, and got accepted into the nursing program at first apply.

Now it’s the first semester of nursing school.  I meet friends that I will apparently know for life.  Instructors that I spend my whole day with practicing skills, and it’s ultimately a nice family.  We all wanted to see each other succeed and help others.  I spent many days in study groups, and felt the connection of others for the first time in a while.  I was doing well grade wise, and we had “clinicals” in which we fed, bathed, and provided comfort for the sick patients.  I loved helping those patients.

However during Spring break, half way into the semester, I injured my back.   I was playing basketball by myself, and after I jumped to shoot the ball, I landed and my whole life changed.

Initially, I thought it was a strained muscle, but I am here a year and a half later, with the same chronic, 8/10 pain every minute I’m alive.  I somehow endured, and finished that semester of nursing school, but had to say goodbye to that family.  My back was no longer in shape to lift and maneuver patients.  Imagine being forced to give up on your life dream at age 21.  I tried to attend school the following semester, but could not focus on lectures due to the heavy back pain.  I also realized how horrible it is that I look fine on the outside, but am screaming in complete pain internally 24/7.

Here I am, a young man, having tried so many therapies including prayer, I am about ready to throw in the towel.  I wanted to help others, and now it seems as if existing hurts for me.  I’ve tried injections, ice, heat, stretching, exercise, meditation, medication, inversion, and it does nothing.  I’m not special, but why would God allow existing to literally be excrutiating?

My self-esteem was already low, but with the pain, loss of faith, and lack of true support and friends, I don’t see a point in striving.  My dad knows my back hurts all the time, but he expects me to find a job since I am not in college anymore.  I don’t blame him for that, but I just feel completely stuck.  No ambition.  I don’t ever feel happy anymore, and if I do, it fades within the same hour.  Money doesn’t mean anything to me.  I don’t even have my health.  And lately, I feel like i’m losing touch with reality, as i’m emotionally dead.  Former associates treat me a lot differently and i guess my back pain is spilling into me physiologically.

If you took the time out to read this, I literally love you from the bottom of my heart.  I’m glad you listened and I wish you the best!  Thanks