In The Closet…

Literally. I’m laying in my closet, on top of who-knows-what, sandwiched between two blankets above and below me, between my bed and a shelf. I wonder how long it’ll take for my mom to realize I’m here. She thinks I’m going out with my boyfriend tomorrow, but I cancelled on him, so who knows?

I’m here because it’s going to be hard to get up, whenever I choose to do so, so I don’t cut…. it’d take too much effort. I don’t want to live right now. I don’t feel anything…good… it’s like I spontaneously fell out of love in only a few minutes. He ordered me a ring…

When he decided he wanted to marry me, he wanted to get a ring.
When he wanted to get a ring, he ordered one.
When he ordered one, he spent money that was supposed to go towards our carnival date tomorrow.
When he spent money that was supposed to go towards our carnival date tomorrow, we had to change plans.
When we had to change plans, I got upset.
When I got upset, I cancelled the date completely.
When I cancelled the date completely, he got sad.
And went to bed.
I think I just listened to my chihuahua puke in his kennel…
And now it sounds like he’s eating it…or dying…gross…

I’m tired of this. I don’t mean listening to my dog, I mean everything… love, life…humans… he left me for another girl about a month ago, but she rejected him, so I took him back… but before I did, she said some awful things to me that tore apart my personality… now I get depressed and hate myself, but I hide it from him because he just wants to forget everything.

But I’m still broken. Just as broken as the day he dumped me. Everything she picked apart about me, it was all true. Deep down, still is, I assume. She shattered the person I once was… as if I can ever look in the mirror and love myself ever again… I am a user, a material girl, a cheating disrespectful whore that never treated him like a real person…

Gods, the letters are blurring, I have nothing more I can say right now.
I’m just waiting to finally end it all.
But how?