its me. (brief story)

Hey. I’m a 14 year old girl. I was suicidal last year, I was referred to CAMHS (Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services)

I didn’t go. When I was young, my mum used to hit me when I made her angry. I told my school and she got a warning.

My eldest sisters told them I was lying. COINCIDENTALLY the same social worker got involved last year about my “suicide note”.

No. I said, “Won’t death be the perfect escape” among other things. It was private. like a diary.  SO MY FRIEND DECIDED TO RAID MY ROOM WHILST I WAS AT SCHOOL AND SHE FOUND IT. Anyway. no more social worker business its ended but its still a part of me. I hate her. she ruined my life. She bullied me.

i feel sad. all the time. i used to cut, last year i started and finished within 5 months. i don’t know why i stopped. it felt so good.

i started again a few weeks back. i cut my thigh deep but not that deep. my carpet was stained. so i haven’t done it since in case i get caught.

i want to die. i tied a scarf around my neck at night to stop me from breathing in my sleep but i chickened out and ripped it off.

i overdosed on paracetamol (i know , i don’t have any other medicine) and i was taken to hospital for “food poisoning”. hm.

i missed 2 weeks of school. consequently, i got low level/grades which meant my mum and sister could blaze me and take the mick

this girl has been on my case in school  i hate her 🙁 she “rearranged” a print screen of a conversation with me and my other friend to make me look bad. so I guess im a “cyber bully” . But im not i promise

i miss my dad. my old dad. he’s still the same though except he’s ill

pulmonary lung fibrosis and the arteries to his heart or something are closing. he’s going to die. doctors gave him 5 years to live, in 2009.

but I love him. he’s the nicest person ever.

im still angry about how my sister said, “you never get it do you? not everything is about you” (she’s 21 by the way)

My dad came in, and i was so mean to him i told him to get lost i am crying now because i made him sad 🙁 🙁

i only have 2 true friends but i only say true to keep myself happy. i’ve been bullied by them in the past but whats done is done right??

i literally don’t have anything.

no memories no prized possession.

except for my dad

all the time i was thinking of dying i thought about my dad how sad he’d be after his princess is dead

i want to wait until he dies i know its selfish but i literally cannot carry on anymore

time after time i make mistakes and people bully me

everyone says “fuck them” but no i can’t i just can’t

i always let it get to me and thats why i suck im a failure why am i even alive i don’t deserve this

im muslim. we , not including me, believe that if you commit suicide, you go to hell

but God, why are you letting me sufferI’m going to hell anyway. for questioning you, for *probably* committing, for doubting you.

i hate myself even more now

what if God hates me and takes my dad

what if He takes my only friends