”I’ve had enough” – Yeah. That old saying.

for the millionth time, I just said ”I’ve had enough”

I typed in that phrase into google and saw web pages about depression.
I don’t want to read articles about depression and how you should go to your doctor and how you need to get ‘better’… because, I don’t think I have depression. I don’t want a label for being sad for a reason. I know it may sound strange… I’m just sick of life, I don’t like it… I wasn’t made to like it, from the beginning.

The thing is, I may have ups. Maybe for a short while. Then it goes back  to that phrase…
”I’ve had enough”.

It’s like a cycle that will always continue.

I just pictured myself buying a load of vodka, then drinking it and tipping it over my body, then catching myself on fire.
The image in my head reflects how I feel.

The only thing that is stopping me right now is… ”what if my state of being after this life is WORSE”

That’s what stops me. Yeah.
Fear … fear that killing myself isn’t the way out.

I’ve always been an outcast.. I don’t feel as if I’m from this planet.

And, I have a habit of ‘falling in lust’ (not love) with anyone who is nice to me, which is not often, meaning I’ve never had simple friendships. Any man who draws close to me ends up fancying me too and this means I distance from them in order to protect myself and them… leaving me alone.

My life turns from one disappointment and heartache to another.
I had a horrible childhood, like many unfortunately.
And recently, I was  thrown out of a cultish church for not conforming to their rules and wishes. They told me I didn’t care about anyone except myself. Fucking lies. Not even they could understand me.

I then met a man from the internet who ‘fell over heels’ for me and I got together with him because I felt he could offer me some security and hope, but then he lost all interest in me in the last few months and forgot about me.

I now live with my parents in their tiny box room… wondering what to do next with my life. Wondering if I give a crap.
I’ve recently started feeling really angry, which isn’t like me. And, some new guy from choir practice has decided he wants to be friends with me. I’m hostile with him whenever we are together (he told me he likes me). In the back of my mind, I find him so repulsively unattractive but I want to rip his clothes off.. I’m so scared of usig him for a quick high.

I feel messed up. Fucking hate myself recently.

Yep, you may say I have my whole life in front of me at 21, but I don’t want to stand any more of this crap. Life is crap. I don’t understand why it is so crap.

So, what do you think? Do you ever think about what’s actually after all of this?