So last night was completely shitty. As usual I went on a website where I have a fair few friends, and started talking. But, something seemed off about this particular friend, so I told her. She’d said that she was acting like it because she didn’t want me to kill myself [ I had told her of my plan a couple days prior to this and also had the date on my profile for my other friends to see ].
I explained that I was hurting and didn’t know what else to do, to which she replied with she ‘didn’t care’ and said she ‘shouldn’t have become friends and got attached’.
Now, that hurt. A lot. Soon after I ended up in tears because I thought she hated me and never wanted to speak again. After an hour or so,  I returned back to the laptop where I saw new comments from people asking me about my set date and telling me not to do it. I can tell you, that was the guiltiest I felt in a long time.
I assured them all that I’d think about it, which they have [ hopefully ] believed. ?However, I must admit that it’s a lie. My mind is made up. I’m going.
12 comments
I can definitely relate to you. I had a very similar conversation with my loved one in which she proceeded to tell me it is a selfish “choice”. I was in shock because for one I don’t think anything regarding taking care of my own health as selfish nor do I believe it’s a choice. Unfortunately, for people like us on this site, for as long as we live we will be suffering and pretending we want to be or even are better and people don’t really understand that the conflicting battle in our heads, of our temptation to commit suicide, destroys us. There’s part of a poem by Edgar Allen Poe that I absolutely love. It’s called “For Annie”. Every time I log on here to post something, I tend to repeat this in my head because it applies to me and by the looks of it everyone else here – I’ve posted it below and sorry this is a long comment.
Thank Heaven! the crisis-
The danger is past,
And the lingering illness
Is over at last-
And the fever called “Living”
Is conquered at last.
Sadly, I know
I am shorn of my strength,
And no muscle I move
As I lie at full length-
But no matter!-I feel
I am better at length.
And I rest so composedly,
Now, in my bed
That any beholder
Might fancy me dead-
Might start at beholding me,
Thinking me dead.
The moaning and groaning,
The sighing and sobbing,
Are quieted now,
With that horrible throbbing
At heart:-ah, that horrible,
Horrible throbbing!
The sickness-the nausea-
The pitiless pain-
Have ceased, with the fever
That maddened my brain-
With the fever called “Living”
That burned in my brain.
What did you think was going to happen? Posting suicide plans on social media sites. That’s what this site is for, not others. People who potentially see you as being a friend might get very offended that you don’t want to continue living and being friends. They might think that it’s selfish, or even that it’s too hard to deal with. People have their own problems you know. They can take it very personally. If you really want people to understand you and not judge about suicide, you have a slightly better chance on a site like this one. We are all prepared for accepting others and their problems. You shouldn’t kill yourself. You seem like you have a future still.
I like you realtalk! I hope things work out for you.
Jiminy, I can understand why they are so upset – suicide is difficult to comprehend for anyone who hasn’t experienced those feelings themselves. Their response is them starting to grieve already. You don’t have to wear the selfish label… sometimes its the least selfish decision.
I’d suggest sending them a delayed email – write everything you want to tell them in there… so they know they were often in your thoughts before you went.
She is most likely saying that because of how sad she is, if she didn’t care she could have just ignored you. She said that so you wont suicide, to me she sound like a great friend.
The person you mention in other posts, Nan, she is diagnosed with cancer? You love her right? And she care about you. While she is fighting her hardest with this disease, you are planning to suicide. If you truly love her, you should fight with this shitty world and live on, you owe her that much.
Some people want to live but life decide to take that away, you are lucky enough to live. To me suicide is disrespecting these people who want to live but cant.
And after reading all of your posts you sound like a really sweet person, I am sure and guarantee you will find a lot of amazing friends down the road that care and appreciate you. If you end your life, you will destroy that chance. You will destroy their chance to meet this sweet person.
Please don’t end your life, I don’t know exactly why you want to die, but nothing worth more than your life. Can you try going to see the school counselor? Maybe they can offer some help too.
Hang on.
People can be harsh and cruel…. Don’t expect anyone (even friends and family) to understand because suicide and mental health are stigmatized as it is and any conversation about them with a “normal person” makes them uncomfortable because they don’t know what you’re experiencing…Its probably not the she didn’t care but instead probably thought you were “crazy” and that was her reaction to distance herself from you….
@initialize You have a right to your view but I disagree… suicide is not disrespecting those who “want to live but can’t” because by that logic thats like saying Someone who has the money to travel and doesn’t want to is disrespecting those who don’t have the money but does want to….its their CHOICE its their life…. just because you don’t do something that you have the ability to do because you don’t want to do it is not disrespectful to those who can’t do it…the only way it would be disrespectful in my view is if they had gave you an organ donation or bone marrow transplant before they died because then they have a reason to feel disrespected
@painnlife: You are not getting my point and I said “To me suicide is disrespecting these people who want to live but cant.”, “To me”. I am not pushing what I believe to other people here.
Anyways that’s not important. Please don’t suicide, nothing is worth more than your life, you are a sweet person, you deserve to live.
As long as you realize that “your opinion” is just that, and that other people probably don’t define “disrespect” the way you have… then fine.
OTOH: isn’t it at least equally “disrespectful” to “guilt trip” someone into continuing to suffer, just because their choice to die would upset you?
Suicide is almost never about the people you claim are disrespected. It is almost never about the people who guilt trip those who arrive at the situation that results in choosing that choice.
It is about realizing that it’s better to rip the band aid off quickly, and get it over with, rather than to slowly pull, so others can enjoy your suffering. After all, when people beg the irreparable to remain in their broken lives, just for them… that’s actually what is occurring.
Sometimes all we can do is avoid problems we don’t want to encounter, because some problems can’t be solved. Most people apply this to avoiding attachment to people who will cause them pain or detriment.
For the friend to say “i shouldn’t have become attached to you,” is really her being upset with herself for not avoiding something that cannot be fixed. That person might project their frustration onto you, and blame you for your choice… but it’s really they, who are upset with themselves (in addition to being upset with knowing you would choose to depart, despite whatever value others might see in your presence).
Clevername: Please understand that I am not upset at all, nor am I angry. I apologize though as it’s mostly my fault for my wording. I am merely giving this person another view at suicide, trying to tell him there is a reason to live. Everyone suffer in their life, but is it worth dyinig for and take away all the possiblities he or she have in the future?
I want to tell you guys a story. There is this professor in my university, who I admire a lot. She was a reporter, but during one of her trip to a country, the people there caught her. Tortured her and her husband for 10 years. Despite being seperated with her kids and the torture, she endure it. And now she turned that horrible experience into something that will help others in the university. The amazing part is she is the most joyful person I have ever see in my life.
Yeah.. It’s usually the good people that take the longest beatings
well in fareness man shes doing the smart thing for herself, most people look out for themselves first, what she did was, for most people, a smart reaction. she had just made this friend which means she started to care about you only to find out that you planned to kill yourself. so basically the way other people see it is you made them care for you while intending to rip youself from their lifes… im not trying to be an ass or anything, so appolagies if it comes out that way…
@initialize I stated “you have a right to your view” I wasn’t saying you were pushing your beliefs I was just disagreeing with your POV ….also another thing…. “nothing is worth more than your life” …Is actually saying the opposite of your intentions. you should say “your life is worth more than all things”…Nothing by def is a void therefore it is a “thing” . the word “nothing” is an indefinite pronoun, which means that it means something. I could argue that “nothing” is a concept, and since concepts are things, the concept of “nothing” itself is a thing……..The Devil is greater than nothing.
Nothing is greater than God……Therefore, the Devil is greater than God…..see how that works?
Shes a fucking ***** dude