I found this list posted as “What happy people do” … blah blah. I will link to the article below – but although i disagree with the general premise that suggests that if you follow these points you will suddenly “be happy” (Yeah, i scoffed with a sarcastic chucklesnort too) … but they ARE valid point that when most are adopted and incorporated into our every day life and decision making, they CAN make life less abrasive and irritable. A lot of these involve making conscious choices that can evolve into unconscious and automatic responses to situations that would normally inflame an already difficult day to day situation. I post this because there is a lot of shit that we let get to us, it piles up – a bunch of little cluttery things that in totality becomes a weighty burden that we just do not need on top of everything else.
1. Don’t ignore strangers.
2. Don’t give anything in order to get something in return.
3. Don’t distrust yourselves.
4. Don’t think with your heads, but rather with your hearts.
5. Don’t take anything personally.
6. Don’t believe your fear is real.
7. Don’t refuse to forgive.
8. Don’t body bash yourselves or others.
9. Don’t try to change anyone; accept everyone for who they are.
10. Don’t feel obligated to do things you don’t want to.
11. Don’t ignore your inner guidance.
12. Don’t resist change.
13. Don’t stay in a situation that no longer serves you … ever.
14. Don’t look outside of yourselves to be happy.
15. Don’t ignore your dreams and inner desires.
16. Don’t think you are broken or that you need to be fixed.
17. Don’t judge others.
18. Don’t complain.
19. Don’t avoid risk
20. Don’t blame others and take full responsibility for your lives.
Here’s the link:Â http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-10547/20-things-happy-people-never-do.html
One thing I didn’t see on the list is – Don’t lie to yourself – we can have a habit of convincing ourselves something isn’t what it really is. The reason i bring this up is because it’s easy to go through the list ans say “oh, i don’t do that” … when in fact, yeah, you really do. we tend to trick ourselves by calling it something else … try not to do that.
thinking dawg’s dawg
8 comments
Oh wow…
Even with your preface, i disagree with some of these points. Some of the “don’ts” are viable and perhaps even necessary.
“4. Don’t think with your heads, but rather with your hearts.”
“That’s what you get, when you let your heart win…” – Paramore
I prefer thinking with my head, but without ignoring what the heart wants. The head is smarter.
“5. Don’t take anything personally.”
But some things /are/ personal. I suggest learning to know the difference. Only take the truly personal stuff personally.
“6. Don’t believe your fear is real.”
Except when it IS real. Sometimes it is, and it’s good to know the difference.
“7. Don’t refuse to forgive.”
I sort of agree, but sometimes forgiveness is not possible, without making unacceptable allowances for actions that do not deserve to be forgiven. But, you know, forgive when you can. We should not be required to accept the unacceptable, or forgive the unforgivable.
“9. Don’t try to change anyone; accept everyone for who they are.”
This is a double-edged sword. Some people are not acceptable as who they naturally are… but aside from extreme circumstances, it’s usually best to accept otherwise acceptable people, for who they are.
“12. Don’t resist change.”
While this is often good general advice, sometimes other people or our environments will attempt to change us (see “don’t try to change anyone…”) in ways we find unacceptable. When someone is trying to change you, instead of accepting you for who you are… do you resist? Do you insist on being accepted for who you are, as you are? Or do you allow others to change you, despite the previous advice of not trying to change others? It seems that “don’t try to change others,” and “don’t resist change” are contradictory. Am i to believe that i should allow others to change me, without resisting, and without trying to change them, instead? That feels like letting everyone else decide who i am, and who i should be. I don’t like that.
“16. Don’t think you are broken and need to be fixed.”
But, what if you ARE broken, and DO need to be fixed? And then what if you refuse to accept that you are broken, need to be fixed, and should not resist those changes being influenced by others who might decide that you should be different or better? More conflicting advice. Don’t just assume you are broken and need repair… but learn and know yourself well enough to understand when/where/how/why you need to improve. If you are broken, don’t insist you aren’t. If you need change, don’t resist it… but if you don’t need change, then don’t let someone else tell you that you need to be changed.
“17. Don’t judge others.”
I absolutely disagree with this. Judgment is part of a healthy mind. Rather than avoiding judgment entirely, refine and make as legitimate as possible, your methods of judgment. Don’t be unfair. Don’t judge harshly for stupid or trivial things. But it’s okay to judge, because without judgment, you can’t really form an opinion about anything. And if you find yourself heavily inclined toward harsh judgment, try to leave a path of redemption for someone to seek redemption or forgiveness.
“18. Don’t complain.”
I absolutely disagree with this. If not for complaint, how will anyone else know that we find something displeasing or unacceptable? If we don’t make known the need for change, then change will not happen. But, it’s probably good to try not to spend significant time on complaint for the sake of complaining. But to say “don’t complain,” is like demanding that i accept what is wrong for me, which i also find unacceptable.
“19. Don’t avoid risk.”
Too general. Avoid unnecessary risk. Take only calculated risks that have a reasonable probability of resulting in gains, and the least probability of resulting in disastrous or unacceptable damage. Learn to properly assess risk, and understand that sometimes what you want is worth what must be risked… but sometimes the risk is too great, and is too likely to cause too much damage.
“20. Don’t blame others and take full responsibility for your lives.”
Idealistically, i agree. In theory, this is good. But in practice, none of us exist in an isolated microcosm, and we all encounter effects of the actions of others, which were not of our choosing. Sometimes things are actually the fault of someone else. We don’t have the option to literally control everything, and if it’s not of my choosing, i can’t accept responsibility for it. I’m only accountable for my actions, not those of everyone else.
And yes, don’t lie to yourself. Unless, of course, lying to oneself is the only viable way to manifest sufficient motivation to improve. Sometimes a fantastical mindset and pursuing impossible goals, is the only way to keep going.
@Clever
as you say in #19 – “Too General” … well they are all basically generalities, of course every situation is different and requires a specific and targeted response – and there are always exceptions to pretty much everything.
I will address your comments here when i have more time to respond properly – i know I, for one, did not like the author’s use of a negative to start every point (“don’t”). That aside, and considering you only flatly disagree with 3 or 4 points, i’d say that makes it a pretty decent foundational set of points.
combat dawg 😛
I’ll admit that response was a bit hasty, but upon rereading it, i can still stand behind it. But upon further pondering, it seems the gist of this article and these points, amounts to: “happiness is being what others want us to be…” and so we should just choose to hold ourselves accountable for going with the flow, in order to be happy… even if what other people want us to be, is not what we want ourselves to be. Seems like a paradox, almost invalidates itself, because i want to be what *I* want to be, not to just accept whatever others want me to be, in order to gain the “happiness” that is only found through the approval of others.
One of the points was about not looking outside ourselves for “happiness.” Ironically enough, most of the points advise to do exactly that: passively accept whatever, and claim it as our own choice. Idk. I don’t think i can be “happy” in this way. I am more “happy” to just be myself, even if most people who are not qualified to form a valid judgement of me, do not like it. Sure, i would prefer to be widely and particularly appealing… but i know that what other people like is not up to me, but it /is/ up to me, to be content with myself… and often, that will require being content without the approval of others. For me, there is a significant amount of “happiness” that comes from outside myself, which i have and will continue to miss out on, due to the way i do not appeal to the typical person. Living without that realm of “happiness” is not really okay with me… but there really isn’t anything i can do about it, unless i allow others to decide who and how i should be, and allow them to influence alterations of my person, in order to gain their approval. This is only worth doing, if i value that particular person’s approval, which would only happen if i find their methods of judgement to be valid.
Being passive doesn’t make things the ways we want them to be. Being assertive is the way to achieve things that aren’t going to just happen by choosing to allow them to occur.
I haven’t checked the original article… but i’m guessing a woman wrote it.
[clicks link]
Yep. That’s the advantage of an appealing woman. They can just choose to allow life to improve, whereas a man must assert his dominance upon his environment, and apply force, sometimes manually, in order to shape his own reality, and almost literally “create” the life he wants to build. It’s not a sexism thing. It’s just that far too often, i’ve seen this distinction play out in the real world. An appealing woman only has to choose to accept and allow, to “receive” a better life… whereas a man must almost always impose his will upon his environment, to achieve what is acceptable. When a woman is cast into this role, she will almost always both exhibit and more highly value those more masculine traits.
It’s a seller’s market. Those in-demand only have to sort through countless offers and find one worth accepting, and simply allow life to get better. Those not in-demand, must amass enough resources in order to make a “worthy” offer.
My happiness would come from being able to make a worthy offer, to a worthy potential mate, and being chosen of appeal and preference, not of necessity or bargain. I’m pretty sure that type of happiness cannot come from within, and will not actually occur… but i need to believe it can, and that i can make it happen, or i won’t have anything worth the risk of living only to fail and suffer. Without that possibility, i see nothing about life that is worth suffering for. If i could eliminate the suffering, the rest of life would be minimally acceptable… but elimination of suffering is just completely unrealistic. Suffering /will/ occur… and so there has to be something to gain that is worthy of that pain, or it’s not worth continuing.
Meh. these kind of lists are the horoscopes of self improvement. Vague suggestions that are subject to interpretation. I’m all for improving my state but the idea.. the gall of the idea that listing off 20-30 simplicities and having them be profoundly life changing is insulting.
Now go out there and be happy because that’s number 7,12 or whatever fucking number.
@Roak I agree. It just isn’t that simple and as clever pointed out there are a few flaws in the list.
“…the gall of the idea that listing off 20-30 simplicities and having them be profoundly life changing is insulting.”
lol. Exactly. I’ve been around the “blogosphere,” and i can certainly say that there is quite a lot of “drivel” abound. Sometimes it seems like people are just writing just to have anything posted. Other times, it seems far more /sinister/. 😉
Speak your mind when prudent, learn to reason, think before you act, don’t judge others without first considering their circumstances, extend effort towards others when it will benefit both of you, try not to dwell on negative thought patterns, have an enjoyable vice or two (or three), fall in love at least once, learn as much useful and useless information as possible.
There you have it, my suggestions on how to live a decent life. 😛
Unless you have BPD and most of that will make things worse