To The Source

“…anyone who attempts to do both, to adjust to his group and at the same time pursue his individual goal, becomes neurotic.”
― C.G. Jung

 

And thus, i have discovered the most refined and concise words to express the source of my frustration.

 

Upon first reading it, i read: “to adjust his group,” instead of “adjust TO his group.” Both are valid, in different ways.

 

But what if my individual goal is to achieve the requirement of adjusting my group (or perhaps the entire world), in order to gain access to a particular configuration of circumstances that would be required to enable my actual individual goals?

 

What if adjusting my group is the prerequisite? What if my individual goals are blocked by what currently exists beyond myself? What if i have to manipulate the external circumstances, in order to achieve my inner purpose?

 

Perhaps being reminded of Slipknot’s song “Before I Forget,” and the line that says “i am a world, before i am a man…” was the spark for this thought.

 

What if i am literally a world, before i am a man? What if the requirements of fulfillment, require first adjusting my group (and also myself to my adjusted group), setting up the environment for a series of tasks to be completed, and then later setting out to complete them?

 

This is a dilemma. I can’t do both. There is not enough time and energy. There are not enough readily available resources.

 

How do i resolve this conflict? And no, i can’t choose. I can’t choose to only pursue individual goals, because they are blocked by the group. I cannot choose to integrate into the group, because doing so requires conforming to unacceptable parameters, in ways that cause and perpetuate suffering, without offering suitable or sufficient rewards. In order to voluntarily integrate into the group that i find very wrong, there must be a reasonably justifiable expectation of gains that would be worth that degree of increased and prolonged suffering. There must be reasonable expectations of my “price” being met. I must believe that what i would gain, would be worth compromising my principles and integrity, and voluntarily participating in a group that has until now only produced and perpetuated my misery. In order to integrate in such a painful way (adjust to my group), i must reasonably expect a justifiable gain. But i do not. I cannot. To do so, would be unreasonable.

 

So, there are only two options:

A) Both integration and personal fulfillment

B) Neither (which is likely to result in misery and ultimately death)

 

So it HAS TO BE (A). There is no other option.

 

The group resists change, and i lack the resources to impose it, and lack the time to wage and win a war of attrition.

This is the crux of my dilemma.

 

There is no readily available or identifiable solution. There is no “help.” Very few people, if any at all, have even approached understanding this dilemma, though i would surmise that many do indeed perceive encountering it. It’s just that most choose to conform, to integrate into a society that is “better than nothing.” But i can’t do that. Because there are many things i would change, which changes would be motivated by the fact that i’m not so sure that integration with a system i can’t accept, would be “better than nothing.” I suppose it is “good enough” for lots of people… but i’m not lots of people.

 

So where is the “help,” where are the “solutions,” for the fringe outliers similar to myself? We are an underrepresented minority, with very few, if any advocates.

 

I would not be content with spending my entire life amidst the struggles of trying to change a world that wants to remain as it is. I would not be content with choosing to integrate, purely for the “selfish” purpose of exploiting any available advantage, for purely personal gains, while completely ignoring, or even adding to the perpetuation of the very system i find so unacceptable and loathsome.

 

It’s like i’m always forced to choose between either defense or offense… but in ways where choosing one, either negates or disables the other. To attack, i must expose myself as vulnerable. To defend, i must refrain from attempting to apply force to areas which need to be altered.

 

Then it hit me:

 

Kung Fu (and Tai Chi, and probably other “styles,” to some extent) is all about seamlessly integrating the two, so that one is not forced to choose either/or, but can defend while advancing, side-stepping, or retreating… or advance/sidestep/retreat while defending, or defend while attacking, or attack while defending. One of the prime directives is to maintain fluidly defensible positioning from every position, and to never over-extend. My only ‘legit’ instructor once called it “the art of opening and closing.” This applies to both the self and the opponent(s). Retreat should never be the correct option, unless i find myself in an indefensible stance or position, facing an insurmountable or a particularly disadvantaged situation; which is almost always classified as “a mistake,” and should not occur in correct employment of the aforementioned tactics. There should not be an exploitable opening created by any attack. There should not be an inability to exploit an opening, due to defense. Both should occur simultaneously, fluidly, as needed, in a way that provides the best possible action for each perpetually changing circumstance. In theory, theory should work in practice; but in practice, theory is not always practical.

 

Still, the idea of integrating both self-defense and application of force to a target, is the core of the ideal. We should be able to do both at once, rather than being forced to choose, by our environment, and by our opponents, and by our own lack of self-control, due to lack of development, or damage from prior impacts.

 

So… how do i integrate both my pursuit of personal goals, as well as my requirement to both adjust my group, and also adjust TO my group?

How can i Live? What can i Do? How can i do it?

There must be a viable way to integrate both pursuits… because choosing only defense, or only offense, will only ensure my own doom.

 

 

I need an immediately profitable action, which also allows, and does not disable, pursuit and ultimate achievement of the long-term goals. I need them to occur simultaneously, in order to achieve either of them.

 

I need both immediate survival, as well as long-term fulfillment, to become and remain simultaneously available, without negating or contradicting or disabling the other. I need both of those doors/paths open, and all vulnerabilities closed.

 

I am willing to put all of myself into such a solution, if i can find a way to make such a solution exist.

 

The problem is that i do not know such a solution Can exist, and until i figure out what and how to do it, i cannot begin to live.

And until i can begin to live, each second that passes in anticipation of what i wish, but may never be… is profoundly agonizing.

Jung would call it “neurosis.” I would agree.

 

In theory, this solution could exist, and i have “seen it” working in a visualized practice… but in actual practice, the theories can quickly and exponentially become unmanageably large, hopelessly overwhelming.

 

I need a way to simplify everything, and completely eliminate as many chaos factors as possible, without closing the wrong doors.

 

This is the kind of “help” that i need. Anything that is not This, is not just a waste of my time, but is detrimental to my well-being, and threatens my very existence.

If you cannot understand my problem, you cannot help me.

One must seek admittance into, and thorough understanding of, the source… or i will completely disregard their so-called “help,” as a laughably arbitrary and half-assed pseudo-attempt, borne from their desire to be seen as “helpful,” rather than perceive them as actually wanting to help me.

 

If you really want to help: Go To The Source. But be ready: it’s scary in there.

 

If you don’t really want to help: stay out of my way, and stop demanding compliance, conformity, and my acceptance of the unacceptable. I will not. I cannot.

 

 

p.s. UGH, how terribly inefficient and ugly. I wanted to make the text slightly less “bright white” looking, to reduce the contrast with the page… it’s a bit darker than i’d prefer, now, but apparently, WP uses SPAN TAGS ON ALL THE PARAGRAPHS FFS (html paragraphs, not grammar paragraphs). All it really needs is an open tag and a close tag, like “begin attribute here, end attribute there.” It doesn’t need a tag for every line. How inefficient!