Another year has passed…..another miserable 365 days….so what that makes me…..8035 fucking days old…. I’ve been absolutely wretched for almost a third of that time…….just pathetic……..Today is my birthday and I feel fucking horrible…..I’m 22…..and I fucking hate it…..Another fucking year further from my treasured memories…..I don’t want to celebrate…..I don’t want any gifts…..I don’t want to be sung happy birthday to unless you replace “happy” with “crappy” then I guess its acceptable….I don’t want anything except to lay in my bed and dream I’m back in 2002 in Ms.Lagranges class. I couldn’t even cry….As much as I want to I feel more shame than sadness right now….I’m not even able to celebrate a goddamn birthday!…..but “it gets better” right? …mmhmm…..bullshit cliches are at an all time high….
I fucking hate myself ….and when I say this I don’t mean like “dislike” I mean I detest, loathe, abhor, execrate, deplore and any other word synonymous with “extremely intense hatred”….. I haven’t had a “happy” birthday since I turned 18! …..19 sucked ,20 sucked, 21 REALLY sucked , and 22 is no outcast….it sucks just like the rest of them….Man I’m so fucking sick and tired of knowing all my former friends are having the time of their lives ….enjoying their youth and going places…..but not me! I’m still stuck in the same bullshit and no matter how “hopeful” I was or what I tried to do to get better shit still got much WORSE…..
I’m actually looking forward to the next few months…. I will say goodbye without the slightest bit of regret….FUCK IT!….. I don’t give a fuck anymore….If you are one of those people that still have something left in the tank then I encourage you to keep going…ironic as that is…….but as for me? I have nothing left…..I’m literally running off of fumes now…..It took a LOT for me not to just go head and die today….but I figured that will probably cause more pain to my mom and sister to die on my birthday….so I’ll wait until early November …the first week… and then good fucking bye! …..The only thing I will miss is a few treasured memories but if forgetting them is the trade off for death then hey….its a sacrifice I’m willing to make!
21 comments
A very birthday Happy from everybody at the fabulously tacky…..???? Whatever we people are that visit this sight?
No, your mother and sister wont have it any easier if you kill yourself in november. My brother hung himself 3 weeks after his 17 birthday. It would make no difference if he did it any other day.
My brothers death is a terrible event, so violent, so surreal. The only way I can cope with it is to pretend he was never born, he never lived, so he never died.
Fucked up right?
But thats what his death did to me – it fucked up my minde. Think about solving your problems in other way. Killing yourself wont solve any of them, because you will go through the same shit in your next life again and again…. Killing yourself is just stupid.
a month ago was my birthday and I did nothing all day. shitty day… I’m planning to go by partial suspension hanging only problem is I’m afraid to get caught while in the middle of doing it and get brain damage.. thinking of a secluded forest. i hate myself too but this planet more.
I relate with your frustration, birthdays are shit. I turned 23 in July – not one ‘happy birthday’, no presents, I actually spent the entire day and night alone since no one was home. I didn’t want any kind of celebration anyway, but it gave me the realisation of how much I really loathe my life, in comparison to the ‘norm’ of an average person who receives cards, texts, gifts and celebrates with friends and family.
I feel the same too, when you say you’re truly done and your former friends actually have lives to live, they’re going places and enjoying themselves.. They went to university, have great jobs, moved away, own their own homes, in long term relationship, children and some even married.. I’ve experienced none of that.. Since leaving school I fell into a period where I took alcohol and drugs frequently, pits of depression where I didn’t leave the house for two years, hospital admission for suicide attempt and two years struggling to get hold and back on track of my life.. Depression hasn’t just fucked up my emotions and how I feel, but it’s fucked up my opportunities as well.. For example my CV is a piece of shit. Although I’ve done a few courses and had a couple of experiences here an there, I’ve just a huge gap of employment which is enough to put any company off from even offering me an interview. Every job I apply for I get rejected for lack of experience.. Which holds back my life because without a job and money then you have no home or options.
If I’m going to be honest though, I don’t want to get better.. This isn’t the life I want, I’m not the person I want to be.. I’d rather take my life than live this life at all.
my birthdays have been shit too. Not a new story
22 is a good number. It’s much better than 21. You can try to solve the paradox of Catch-22 🙂
Have a happy crappy birthday.
@ Smusmu……I’m sorry about your brother but do you really think I haven’t tried to solve my problems “some other way”?….Come on dude don’t assume I arrived at this point by sitting on my ass and not trying anything to get better…..At this point I’m done but that doesn’t mean I didn’t sincerely try several times….and killing myself will actually solve ALL of my problems….What problem won’t it solve? …..I have to admit the “next life” thing made me chuckle…. Once we die we are dead….There is no such thing as reincarnation…..Its a nice fantasy but nonetheless a fantasy…..and if killing yourself is stupid then that means living is smart….So its smart to live an intolerable existence while things will get worse and worse as I get older? ….That just doesn’t seem smart to me at all
Aww. I wish you could have a good birthday for once. If I was rich, I would have sent you a loan for a new apartment and gotten you a job as a gift. But I’m just as poor as you.
I don’t want you to die, you’re one of my best friends on here. What I want is to see you get out of that hellhole and receive the amenities so that you can begin to start living. I’m going to hope for that for your sake. I’m hoping for that for me, too. I know how you feel. Hang in there, k?
Also Catch-22 by Joseph Heller is a good book. You should check it out.
Happy Birthday. I hope start to look up for you even if it takes time
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@ Persephone……lol you should know better than to give me a loan with my history 😉
I know but the future is just so fucking bleak and gloomy. It gets darker for me everyday. I actually even feel bad about feeling bad on my birthday. I don’t want to celebrate it but even if I did I am unable to so it doesn’t matter either way. All I can do is acknowledge that I’m getting older. Further from the last moment of happiness I felt and deeper and deeper in despair.
@PDC & Hella & Wednesday….thanks I guess …I wish it was a happy birthday for once but nope just another shitty day
@englishboy….. “If I’m going to be honest though, I don’t want to get better.. This isn’t the life I want, I’m not the person I want to be.. I’d rather take my life than live this life at all.”….. This is exactly how I feel man…..its like you read my mind or something… I just don’t give a fuck about life anymore its just all a big pile of shit that I’d rather flush rather than try and mold it into something…..a perfect sculpture of shit is still shit no matter how you shape it.
Well, um… “happy birthday” dude.
🎂ðŸ˜
man what are these symbols you insist on using? I’m getting missing symbol boxes, and that almost never happens. You must be using something non-standard.
Ohp, google to the rescue…
@clevername ….thanks…. I’d prefer it never came though….I feel crappier than usual today but I guess its normal if I compare it with how I felt on my last few B’days
@RT30 Yeah what are those…..are you using a smartphone or something?
from english boy “If I’m going to be honest though, I don’t want to get better.. This isn’t the life I want, I’m not the person I want to be.. I’d rather take my life than live this life at all.”
this is EXACTLY how I feel. And it’s what I plan to tell my current therapist when I see her in a few hours.
And @Pain, the 1st week of November is when my birthday is 🙁 but do what you have to do, I support your decision no matter what.
and RT30 used a beautiful thing called emojis. I can see them on my blessed Mac
@scarrdekitty…. you’re playing with fire if you tell your therapist something like that…..unless you know she isn’t some moron who is going to commit you. If she’s not like that then go ahead but I wouldn’t do it just as a precaution. ……and thanks I appreciate it.
I told her but no she’s really cool actually. She’d never commit me unless I told her straight up “I’m killing myself tonight”. She knows it’s a far-off thing. And for some strange reason she keeps trying to help me. She’s not money-crazed either, just has helped a lot of people and really believes in her abilities. I wish you all could meet and go to her. I keep telling her I don’t wanna get better I don’t think and she’s still trying.
Well you found a diamond in a sea of cubic zirconium. Most of them only care about money and as soon you aren’t able to pay them they release you as a patient. Who knows maybe she will be able to help you and get you back to you. Too bad all mental health professionals don’t have her attitude.