I sit here and cock and squezee cock and squeezex_X

I never have been happy my life has always been a complete wreck. I have never been what you call happy I am not even sure that I know what happy even feels like today has been a rough day my GF of 9 months has left me. I sit here and cock and squeeze a gun its not loaded I ponder if its worth it. I am 21 years old I feel like a complete and utter train wreck things day by day I ponder about the past and about how people had mistreated me, As a teenager I had attempted to  hang myself only for a friend to find me in time to cut me down. Why does life keep giving me a fighting chance someone like me who is untalented and just a complete waste of life why was I put on this earth to feel all of this pain. Many think that I am happy but that is so far from the truth I have a stable job not really a caring family growing up in a one parent household was rough my mom has severe mental health issues I had to move back home to care for her, At 21 years old how is one to care for themselves when all there time is spent on making sure a household runs smoothly I often take out the Glock 22   sitting in my draw and put it in my mouth and eventually just break down to the point where  I start crying uncontrollably maybe I do want to live maybe I do not. I am here because I need a place to share my frustrations my thoughts that if I were to share with freinds family they would possibly send me to the laugh factory I do seriously hope that someone out there will come across my post and comment with whatever advice words  of wisdom that they may offer that is all for now