In darkness let me dwell

Another small sleep night. Woke up, still dark, stare at computer, somehow forget everything. Yeah, right… I can’t even dream a little.

I also hate cloudy wheather, I feel heavier.

I think I’m going slightly mad…

I remember stuff from the past, Like at 17-19 when I was with too much tension I would just go for very long walks walking extremely fast.

One day I was just walking back and forth in my room at parent’s and I couldn’t take it. It’s all pain, it’s all pain. So sneaked out when they were asleep and roamed the dark streets.

Sometimes I walked miles to a club when a certain cover’s band was playing.  A few kms. I was so fast. Didnt make a difference. I wouldnt get tired easily then. I swam a lot as teenager.

I knew the streets and avoided “pitfall” spots although i’would pass right next to trouble. Nothing ever happened. I walked with eyes on my back.

Sun is better for you, but there’s something about the dark. The dream-like… To save money right now i dont turn on the lights at night in my apartment actually. Light entering from windows is enough. The dream-like…

I was always alone. Some at the club noticed the pattern, of course. The guys from the cover band sometimes stared at me (who’s that poor fucker?), one time the waitress got my drink wrong, to correct it she payed for a new one for me with a smile. Nice indeed, but was pity driven as well.

Sometimes I walked to the top of an enourmous isolated hill staring at river and ocean. I liked that spot. Went there at sunset a lot, reading. Horses and rabbits could be spotted. Eventually buildings started to get up near the place and that was it…

Walks at night included going to wooded mountain where there’s an old castle and palace as well. A famous place here. I would catch the last train, with some risk, and went up up. One time walking near the trees but close to and following the road up, one car passing by hit the breaks abruptly, the passengers freaking out: “it’s a ghost!”.

There’s something mysterious about walking on woods at night. Yes, Im aware its weird, but im not superstitious despite what imagination makes you see at night (trees have faces for sure). I had enough will power then.

I would also catch the last bus to other side of the river, catched the very last fluvial boat and walked to the beaches. One night i  remember walked straight 8 hours through the sand, catched transport to get home at morning, open door, father shows up “what are you doing?” “im going to school now”. Went out again to get back later to rest.

Hey, i had something in me to be caracterized as a potential psycho killer, right? There’s was something seriously wrong with me! Poor me I needed a mental insitution. Not indoctrinated enough! Fit in or die!

Actually there was just too much tension and coudlnt sleep. Just keep the body moving… What’s the meaning in things, what’s the meaning?…

I was a kid in pain that’s all.

But i had energy back then, now i’m just a mental and physical wreck. Slowly getting worse. Poison dissolving me slowly inside…