So you want to know what it’s like? What it really feels like, without the sugar coating.
Well it’s simple it’s painful.
When you find out you sit there for at least ten minutes, your mouth wide open like a goldfish. Oh but your not breathing, your in shock. You can’t believe it, you just sit and stare, unable to move or do anything. Then it starts to sink in and your breathing again but too fast you start to feel dizzy, then you start shaking. Then the tears come and they come fast, you can’t control them they pour and pour out of your eyes making them sting. Your breathing is forced and harsh, your throat burns your eyes sting and you can’t stop it, your shaking, who do you tell? You can’t tell anyone because you’re a mess.
You end up crying yourself asleep. When you wake up the next morning your eyes are puffy and you wonder if its all just a dream but no it was real. Then the cycle starts again. You never get over it. And don’t bullshit me that ‘it’s okay’ because it’s not. And when your grieving you know that you will get over it eventually, but that feeling that sick feeling in your stomach and the ache in your heart never leaves when you think about it it’s always going to be there. People make imprints on your heart and your soul. Those don’t leave.
So if you really want to help shut up and just let me be sad. Don’t try to make me happy, that will happen when it happens. And don’t say it’s okay, and don’t say that it will get better, and don’t you dare say that he wouldn’t want me to feel this. Becuase losing someone is painful. There’s no other way to describe it.
7 comments
I agree 100% with you. It burns a hole in your heart and soul that will never heal. Some people touch the intermost part of out souls and out heart that no science or test can detect. Each cell in our body is changed by this person and we opened our inter souls trusting that they “will never hurst us” on only to leave taking the most important private parts of us with them never looking back. Easy for someone wanting to say it’s going to be okay. No it isn’t. It’s not your hear tand soul that bleeding on the ground. a band-aide isn’t going to fix the gushing hole. thats why they say someone can die from a broken heart!! I feel the same way you do. How many thousands of tears is a person capable of crying?
I agree. It never gets better. I have just had a long conversation with one of my good friends exactly about this and it’s true, people think they are helping but they make it worse. Time will tell.
For most of my life I have felt alone. From the age of 11 things started to change in my life…for the worst. I come from a broken home and suffered endless emotional and physical abuse (not sexually). life has always been a struggle…doesn’t seem to matter how hard I try to fit into this world, I am always the one standing on the outside looking in…I am always the guy most people think as the “weirdo” because I don’t relate to most people.
as I write this I can honestly say I have 1 friend in my life. after 37 fucking years on this god forsaken shithole of a planet, I have one friend.
I hit rock bottom in 2001 and tried to take my own life. I FAILED. I spent a week in hospital under observation after they pumped 60 or so Zoloft tablets from my stomach. I thought life couldn’t get any worse. I was wrong. I really struggled after that event.
my housemates found me in my bedroom lying unconscious and when word got out I tried to kill myself…I lost all my friends, was thrown out of my apartment and had to leave town to start over again. I could not live with the shame of failure. not only was I a looser but a looser who couldn’t even end his own life.
Then a while back, I totally screwed up my life and wound up in prison. I was hoping to die there but alas I made it through.
Not a week has passed since my release where I have not thought of suicide. that was 6 years ago.
many visits by psychologists, psychiatrists and doctors have only helped to add to my issues. Giving me all sorts of fucked up drugs like: serzone, Zoloft and evanza which cause endless nightmares, make your eyes photosensitive, and leave you feeling so low you are back to where you started.
I work most days and this seems to be the only thread that I have in this life to grasp onto. if I didn’t have work I would not be here to write this.
I have asked for help…I have even sought out professionals in this field but no one can help me. NO ONE HAS THE ANSWERS. as for the whole “it’s just a phase. you will get through it” what a crock of shit. no one can feel what I am feeling…it is a product of MY life therefore it is a pain that belongs to me….and I just don’t think I can take it anymore. when the bad times in my life outweigh the good, why do I keep punishing myself by living?
everyone tells me I will get better…WHEN? in a months time? a years time? another 10 fucking years from now? I’m not sure how long I can wait. I will try to end my life again…if there is a ‘100% no chance of living’ way to die, I will find it. all I feel is pain…and I want out.
I can’t say anything to make you feel better, because honestly your struggles are way way different to mine and the whole ‘it’s going to get better thing’ its a lie people don’t know if it’s going to get better. But suicide is not an option, it is never an option, you have one friend and that’s better than none. Put your time and effort into work and that one friend and maybe after time you will be okay with how your living. Stay strong. The path is hard and there is nothing that I can say that will make it easier.
what used to bring me joy barely makes me smile. I feel fake. I hate faking to the world that everything is ok. I hate hiding how I feel every fucking day…day in….day out.
friends are non-existant. anyone who spends any time with me…can’t wait to leave.
i’m at the stage now where life feels like i’m just going through the motions. get up, work, home. I search for happiness but I only find the darkness and the fog.
I may as well not be here…people treat me as though I am invisible. I tried to talk to a guy today at the bus stop, just the usual small talk about the weather etc. but he just got up, folded his newspaper and stood 3-4 meters from me with his back to me waiting for the bus.
every interaction like this pushes me one step closer to the edge. every time I summon the courage to reach out to someone….this is what I get.
I have tried to fit in to this society….I have tried so hard that it hurts. yet still I am trapped here alone
I have no family. after prison, friends & family dropped me like a stone.
do not believe what people tell you…..there is no such thing as walking from prison a “free man”. you will be haunted by your past no matter what you do or who else you become…it eats you alive.
I can not change what I have done. I can not change who I am. only in death do I get to start over….only when I am in the darkness do I feel like the last man standing on this earth.
I hate what I have become.
you are wrong!! suicide is always an option. my life my choice.
you are wrong!! suicide is always an option. my life my choice.