So I have posted on here quite a few times, but I’ve never actually written about my life and I feel like it would really help me right now if I did. So here it is:
It all basically went downhill at the age of 13. Prior to that, my life was pretty average for a dorky kid like me. At 13, I started to get really annoyed at the fact that all of my best friends would hang out and exclude me. I talked to them several times about it, but nothing changed so one day I got really mad at one of them and blew up at her and we got in a huge fight and come Monday, I didn’t have any friends anymore because everyone took her side. (except for a home schooled girl)
I started eating whenever I got sad, and eventually I was eating entire bags of chips in a single seating, in my closet. I was a straight A student, now completely failing a class because I just didn’t care about grades anymore. I started crying ALL the time, often for no reason. I thought that this was just part of being a moody teenager. But after a few months I realized that something was seriously wrong with me.
Now in 9th grade, I was best friends with the home schooled girl who returned to public school. A month into the school year I left her. I started eating even MORE. I started starving myself everyday until I came home from school and gave in and ate well over 3,000 calories in one sitting. All the while, getting more and more depressed without even knowing it. My grades dropped even more. I never did any of my schoolwork, I slept ALL the time, I became addicted to food and developed compulsive eating disorder. four months into my high school career and I already wanted to kill myself. I was very negative, and I felt hopeless and unloved and unwanted and like a complete failure on a daily basis. (mainly due to the eating fiasco) This went on for months and it was a very vicious cycle that I didn’t try to stop until I gained 20 pounds.
That was the worst year of my life, because I had absolutely NO idea what was going on. I found out that I had depression by reading about it online. I never felt comfortable telling my parents because I wasn’t close enough to my dad, and my mom never understood. I told her that I was always tired and she ignored it. I had back pain so bad that I stayed home from school just bawling my eyes out all day, she took me to the doctor and they said it was muscle spasms and referred me to a chiropractor. Of course the pain went away after a couple visits, but I still get it if I’m especially depressed or stressed out. (It took me awhile to figure out the back pain was caused by my depression, because I had NO reason to have “muscle spasms”) I told her that I find no purpose in life and she didn’t say anything. One day, I was feeling very suicidal and I said “well I never asked to be born, you were the one who brought me into this world!!” and she said “yes you did.” I said “no that’s impossible, I couldn’t ask to be born.” and she said “well by being alive right now, you are.” That really pissed me off. Like, I should just kill myself if I don’t wanna be here. As much as I need help, I can’t get myself to tell her.
It’s also very difficult for me to get help because when I’m happy I insist that I don’t need help, and that I’ll just NOT be depressed ever again. Then I get depressed and I wonder how I could ever be happy again. So I keep telling myself, or my counselor that one time last year, or my online friend in Argentina, that I’m perfectly fine and I am, and then I suddenly get very depressed again. My life is just one giant emotional roller coaster and I don’t know how to deal with it at all.
That’s all of the parts that I wanted to write about, to get off my chest.
Hopefully tomorrow is a better day.