And suddenly it’s all unclear…

What’s left of me…I don’t feel the same. I am trying to satisfy everyone around me, i am trying to please others while i feel nothing at all, it’s different than emptyness and i have been here before. Like i don’t exist at all. I would love to see everyone smiling, not to be worried about me or not to be annoyed or bothered with what i do. But it seems impossible to do the right thing if there is the right thing at all. As you engage in so many relations with others you slowly disappear and this doesn’t feel right. I began to lie, i was never lying as i am now and i am actually really good at it. I don’t feel proud, i am disgusted with myself when i do it but it becomes easier over time. The lies just start to overflow me one by one and somehow it comes natural to me. Another thing i started to do; avoid things that could cause me problems. Recently i have been avoiding some calls and i just don’t think i am  strong enough to confront with it. Because it makes me sick to even talk with my family, they are putting so much pressure on me. and i just want to be alone in my room. i used to enjoy the company of so many people but now i just want to run away. i drink so much, i smoke too much. I have the urge to cut again, and i am giving my best to control it. I think about death too often now. The only thing i can do is sleep, everything else just brings me down.