Back to Black

I somehow see this page as a family which is weird since i haven’t befriended anyone, but it somehow feels easier when i write  here. Things are sort of collapsing. I should be extremely happy because a lot of things worked out for me now. I haven’t been cutting for almost 8 months now and i haven’t done anything to make my friends worry about me. I have a boyfriend now and he doesn’t know anything about my past and i want it to stay that way. It feels like i am finally integrating into normal life, into society. I don’t stand aside thinking about things, i am participating and it feels nice. I do feel paranoid from time to time, losing my nerves but trying to control it by listening some music and closing my eyes saying things will sort out. The worst part of my life right now is connected with my future and my career. My entire family is involved and they have so many expectations, and they want me to finish college as soon as possible. I am not talented enough i guess to fullfil most of their desires. I failed this year (only one subject), so instead of being a third year i have to take classes from second year again and it is all beacuse of one subject which i think is not fair. The educational system in our country is really poor. My grandparents and my parents are so afraid what will other people think, cause i come from a small town and everyone knows everyone, which is quite lame and i don’ even care because i am studying in another city but i guess that is their logic. I think my mom is really unhappy and she cried today over the phone and i didn’t know what to say. I really don’t want to end up like her, being so pressured by everyone.  I can’t move away from the feeling that i should have died 2 years ago when i tried to kill myself before the start of university. I guess i am not trying enough and doing everything mechanically, i lost myself. I thought by now i will know what i want and who i am but it seems like now all these answers are much further than they were. Fuck it. I am happy but it doesn’t feel true.