Sitting here with the faint sound of my music in the background watching the lightning light up the sky like a Christmas tree is quite calming, especially considering the fact that I hate Christmas.
This is what death must feel like, right? calm, quiet, the noise in our heads disappearing as we lose ourselves in this most of extreme calmness. This has to be what death feels like, because when you die its you and you alone that dies and in this moment there’s me and no one else.
This life mirrors what death surely has to be, the dead can’t feel neither can I…is there a difference?
This death that most of us continue to chase is laughing in our faces screaming “I’ve been here all along motherfuckers, I flourish in you because I am you!” We’re living the nightmare that so many people run away from and we’ve lived it for so long that its are no longer nightmares but our realities.
Occasionally I snap out of my Zombie like state and in this moment I feel “emotion”, this moment happened yesterday…I call it my ***** moment. I basically had the feeling of dread, fear, anger and hopelessness overcome me and I had some what of a break down, if that’s what you want to call it, in front of someone that I know at school. Don’t worry this moment only lasted a few seconds and I immediately returned to my “normal” state and I apologized for being such a ***** and making things awkward. What else can you do? Nothing, that’s the bitter part of this nightmare that we live.
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My moments of emotional breakdowns have long came and went….I use to have them…sudden outbursts of anger, frustration, rage and sadness where I would lash out at the nearest thing and hit it hard….a door, a wall, something got it…. But overtime its like a Wild Lion who has been imprisoned in a Zoo…At first they roar ferociously clawing at the steel cages that hold them… determined to taste the freedom they once knew….then after a while it sets in they aren’t going anywhere… that they will die in those cages….
That’s how I feel now…like I no longer have feelings of anger….just sadness or apathy… nothing invokes a feeling of anger in me anymore….So I can relate to your feeling of being “dead” while living…like a zombie…
I also hate holidays…they remind me how badly I miss the past….last Christmas I did nothing but cry and reminisce about the past…. They remind me of how alone I am now…. its really depressing…. Halloween is rapidly approaching and just like last year it’ll be filled with sorrow and longing for the past
@painnlife… I too hate this time of year with the holidays coming up. I too reminisce about the good Cristmases and Thanksgivings, and how much I miss them.
@Renobill:… One of the worse parts is sometimes looking out your window and seeing families going to their relatives houses welcoming them and smiling and being happy together…It just makes you realize how bad things are…I’m not looking forward to any holidays….in fact if I could I’d sleep through the whole week that they occur
@painnlife…This time of the year is the worst. What makes it even better is the fact that it is my grandmothers birthday of Friday, she died 2 months ago. What a way to end the year and enter a new one filled with lonely days and nights and empty conversations with people who think they know you.
PS: your analogy about the lion was awesome and scary at the same time because it hit the nail on the head. We are merely waiting to die physically for our souls are long gone.
@Roaming_Soul:….I’m so sorry for your loss man…that is a really awful thing to go through especially close to the holidays….