One of the worst parts of being me (and trust me there are many) is knowing that i will have a best friend for approximately 2-3 years and then they will abruptly leave me. At first i just thought, ‘you know, its the end of the friendship i can accept that’ but 3-4 friendships ahead of this mindset, i now know that it’s all. my. fault.
Let’s explain these friends in terms of their ‘era’:
Kara. (Jan 2009- Jan 2010)
– Kara was a wannabe popular kid who i befriended, under the impression that i too, could be popular. Her, well our antics brought me from an A average to a C average in a matter of months, whilst also alienating myself from friends I’d had since primary school. I eventually saw what had become of me, and broke it off. only to lead onto….
** Side note: I make it seem like these people died, but they really didn’t.
Chris and Jayden. (Jan 2010- Dec 2011)
– Dis functional was the relationship between us three. I had always loved one more than the other, and that became very obvious to the one that did not hold the entirety of my attention. Soon Chris drifted off, but i mentally scar myself every time i see him. I killed that entire relationship and i hate myself for it. For Jayden, I don’t know how to begin and end this mess. We were a manic panic (no pun intended)Â of love and hatred but i would glorify how i saw him to the point that i never thought i’d love anyone else. And before you say anything, this relationship was never romantic, but i never wanted it to be. I wanted to count on him, i wanted to have a tiny speck of hope in the determined tidal wave of madness that i’d been overcome with. I felt so lost, so depressed and lonely. I’d been slicing up my skin, which is partially why he left me. But he left me for a girl with similar problems. I felt so cheated. It’s been almost 2 years since everything that’s happened and i managed to contact him and end on good terms, but i still miss him. Not the guy he is now, but what we had. Whether he felt the same way, i’ll never know.
Clara (Mid 2011 – Aug 2012)
– Clara was a mess of her own. She was fiesty, yet she loved pink and was bubblier than anything you’d ever seen. She was naive with the power of blocking out anything that would taint her perspective on life. But i changed her. I hate that. It wasn’t entirely me though. She lead a double life. She was a bubbly teenager at school, but she’d go home and intentionally throw up (which triggered a long battle with an Eating Disorder). I took her to see a counselor, i told her parents and i made sure she was looked after and she wouldn’t have to travel alone. Yet, she never forgave me. She used me for a romantic style of relationship, excessive hugging and affectionate relations. Once she got a boyfriend, she threw me to the side and i wouldn’t deal. My depression broke us apart, she would childishly make everyone leave when i sat down in the group I had started. I felt so hopeless and alone, yet she couldn’t understand my suicidal tendencies. I made the fatal mistake of telling her that i wish she could experience what i was going through, so she knew what i felt like.. and under miscommunication she left me in the lowest state I’d ever been in. Trust me, my arms are a battlefield. I recently made amends with her, but we’ll never be the same again. I miss her.
Sally (Mid 2012 – Present)
– This one is SO difficult. We haven’t exploded yet, but we have fights that make it seem like we will. I am constantly scared of upsetting her and getting left alone. I hate that. Yet, she’s my best friend and i love her. We share the same personality traits and musical opinions so i think i can make this last.
Lastly, Andy. (Late 2010 – Present)
– This relationship, although the longest, has been the toughest to decipher. He’s there for me, yet he doesn’t care. This is a DEATH TRAP. But regardless we will always be friends, i can’t argue with that.
** Second side note: These are only my best friends, I’ve had many other friendships, they just do not require paragraphs of hatred. (or were close enough to discuss)
I am the Kamikaze friend. I flip the trigger and detonate the bomb. People know it too, they blame me. And i hate me. I’ve always hated me.
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