So, I am not sure how to start this, so I will simply say that there has not been a day that has gone by since I was 6 that I have not felt like a damaged human – I am now 29. One fateful day, when I was six, and what I personally consider my earliest memory, my grandmother hit me so hard that was taken to the ER with two broken bones. I have only ever told one person about this – my wife. Since that day, I was regularly abused by both of my grandparents on my mom’s side. One arm has been broken so many times in rapid succession that it never set right, and there is a clear shift on X-Rays.
I learned through life that when the going gets tough, you look down and literally let the world beat the shit out of you. I learned never to talk back, never to speak up, never to fight back. Transitioning to that mentality as an adult, I legitimately can not have a healthy argument with my wife without feeling the urge to leave the room. Serious arguments cause me to be a deer in the headlights and literally be unable to speak. How am I supposed to be a successful partner?
And while I can not be certain, I was pretty sure I was sexually abused my my babysitter. I have some memories… nothing concrete that would be the text book definition of sexual abuse, but enough that makes me question myself and what happened that night. What I do remember was being in my underwear around her when I was about 7 and me sitting on her lap. I remember her telling me that it was “our secret” and that I couldn’t tell my parents. In exchange we “had fun” and she promised to “make me laugh.”
I get angry easily. I never learned how to handle it. It comes in short bursts and I need to let it out before it “gets me in trouble.” I have tried everything to control it – Rubber band on the wrist, counting to X, breathing. One time, I literally went outside and wailed on a tree… ended up breaking bones in both of my hands. I have never hit or hurt anyone or anything (house pets), and I pride myself in that, but what happens if I ever do? How am I supposed to be a successful father?
I have been through therapy more times than I can count. I hate the fact that no one can get through to me. I really want therapy to work, but the exercises they give me do not over ride my instincts that I acquired as a six year old. This leads to more fighting with my wife who doesn’t understand and yells at me for it and me being even more depressed – it is a vicious cycle.
My wife has told me that she doesn’t trust me, is afraid that I will hit her, and is afraid that I have the potential to kill our kids (of which we do not currently have any). Hearing that, what is left for me? As was said, I have NEVER hurt anyone, so what gives her that impression? Why be married to someone who thinks I would do that?
I currently have the means in my possession to shuffle off my mortal coil – and I think I want to. And while I know it is against the rules, I want to know if there is anyone that wants to go with me. There are a multitude of people out there that have had similar experiences and it would be really nice to be able to surround myself with those people as peers and friends and die in the comfort that comes with that bond than to be just another loner that couldn’t handle life because it was too hard.
As I post this, I get an overwhelming feeling of self-hate deep down. I can’t turn it off, but I realize that very little of that is my fault. The people in my life have, quite literally, conditioned me to be a damaged human and to make me feel these things. This life sucks, and I am ready to be done with it.
2 comments
hi, i have troubles handling anger too, it’s a pain in the ass. i’ve never been to therapy and now i think i should go because i really want to get better. reading ur post scared me because yeah, what if i cant be a good mother? or a good girlfriend or anything? i usually break relationships because i get so mad at the other person that i just can’t deal with them anymore. the same happens with my work mates or my bosses, i get angry and i stop doing my job. i seriously would like to find a way to deal with this. thanks for this post. i hope u find a way out of ur situation, whether is u kill urself or u find a good thing in ur life, my best wishes go to u.
she loved you enough to marry you… she is your partner and she will be a patient and loving part of your rehabilitation if you let her. they say you get out of therapy what you put into it and lord knows I pray that is true for my husband. he was also very abused as a child. alcoholic abusive father. He is a sexual addict and going threw therapy now. and I am trying to be supportive and love him. I know where his issues originate from as your wife understands yours. I don’t trust him but I love him and hope that in time if he dose the work he needs to do in therapy he will in time be able to over come some of his problems depression anxiety and well the other thing. Good luck and I hope you find the strength you need and the resolve to put into the therapy all you need to get out of it to feel more whole.