Let’s be honest about it.  The story line on this site is pretty much dominated by the sentiment that hurting one’s self is desirable or at least inescapable. Neither of these things is true, but there is value in admitting the obvious. There is also advantage in admitting that no one, however vehement their claimed desire for death, is completely enthusiastic about the prospect.
There is a way out of this self-defeating cycle of fear, hatred and guilt. It is forgiveness.
Everyone has felt that they have suffered at some point or other. How do some manage to continue on without being paralyzed, while others never recover from the emotional injuries of this little life? By whatever name they may give it, the willingness to let the hurt go allows the individual to continue on free from harm. This is forgiveness.
Forgiveness provides a new starting point. It hits the re-set button, rather than the dwelling on all that the past has done to guarantee a future consisting of past shadows. “But what about the ___!!,†whether it be molestations, car accidents, beatings, degradation, etc.?  What about them? They are in the past and the past is gone, except you re-play the tape of when all the world was shaken and goodness seemed to fail.
Forgiveness allows the past to be let go. This would be easy, except that the self identity with all the hurt to the point that the individual sees himself as the injury. When this occurs, forgiveness is unwelcome, because it is seen as a threat to one’s existence. Brother, forgiveness does not threaten but it does free.
Nobody can force anyone to do, or not do, anything. Those who wish to die can arrange it. Those who choose forgiveness can not be denied forgiveness. That simple.
G.W.
10 comments
Hey this was really beautiful, Thanks and I hope this for everyone…that we could forgive and change our ways so as to not hurt others around us but love and become the infinite true moment there ever is. I hope this for everyone and everything, to find a fulfilling and real purpose to live for
Easier said then done?, so where does Justice fit in with Forgiveness then ??
have you ever seen ‘ Sleepers ‘ 1996 ?
I think the movie ‘ Dead Man walking ‘ ( Sean Penn, Susan Sarandon )
or ‘ Bad Lieutenant ‘ ( Harvey Kietel ) are very good examples of the concept of Forgiveness.
there are many transcendental ways by which one can get out of cycle, forgiveness being one of them. but the problem is: they are transcendental. either one has them or hasn’t. you cannot make one induce them, no matter how tempting baits you offer, no matter how golden dreams of future you show. at best it only increases guilt, as one blames his weakness for not being able to induce it even when it looks so easy and promises to end all his problems.
But i do appreciate your effort. though rare there do happen coincidences when one is in right receptive state and such words make a ‘click’ on him and he get changed forever. what can be more virtuous than this if you are able to change even one life. good luck.
No offense, G.F., but for me, I respectfully don’t agree. The family member that abused me mentally, sexually, and medically died over 30 years ago, but I will never forgive him. Every aspect of my personality was shaped by him. The worst thing he did to me was make me doubt myself and never trust my own reality…. the sexual abuse was just the window dressing. To this day, I don’t trust myself at all, and it’s a damn hard way to live. That bastard does not deserve forgiveness. I would like to believe there was such a thing as karma, but I suspect there is not.
I think for some people, trying to forgive is healing. For me, it is disrespectful to myself. It’s saying, “it’s ok” and it will never be ok. I will never be ok. And the only thing he left me was a small amount of respect, and I choose to use that respect to honoring my wishes and not forgive him.
If you are able to forgive, I commend you… really, I do.
Sorry – I meant to say “I choose to use that respect to honor my wishes and not forgive him”.
@elliecats Someone like that should NEVER have forgiveness. In that sort of situation you can only try to make peace with yourself and know that none of it was your fault.
I don’t believe in forgiving others who have deliberately wronged us. I mean, I would consider revenge, but I wouldn’t necessarily advocate for that either… (Perhaps.) If they are still living I would want to get as far away from that person as possible, put up charges against them if I could (so that they might not be able to get away with harming others), and try to work through the psychological issues that they have caused. If a person goes around doubting their self-worth because of such a selfish, evil fuck like that, it’s awful. Once someone understands that there was nothing wrong with THEM, that it was the fault of the other, I think that healing would be easier. Carrying ongoing anger isn’t the best either, but perhaps that could also be helped with the right kind of therapy.
I don’t know. I’m in the kind of mood tonight where I feel like being like one of those superheroes in films who takes out all the worst kinds of people. Gawd, I fucking cannot tolerate injustice. Fucking hell. People who take away others rights in this manner and treat them as less than human make me so fucking angry. LET THEM BURN.
Sometimes forgiveness is wrong. No need to get all fantastical and holier-than-thou about things and act like “oh, all you have to do is forgive!”
Sometimes you can’t forgive. That’s life in reality. If you can forgive, then it wasn’t really that bad anyway. If you cannot forgive a particular affront (or series thereof), then no amount of insisting that you should, is going to change that you can’t. It’s only going to prove that you don’t understand what you’re talking about.
Too many people are just so damned delusional… i can’t help but to look upon the world in utter hopelessness. Even if i could do everything i should and would, perfectly… i would still be doing all of it in a world full of crazies and idiots, some of whom are actually evil (not supernatural evil, but that they seem to await any opportunity to cause irreparable harm to anyone who might be vulnerable).
The best forgiveness i can muster can be summed up as thus:
“People are people, and will do what they do.”
Doesn’t mean i’m ever going to feel good about it; just means i have reasonable expectations of others, and understand that i can only control myself, and not them.
@CN “If you can forgive, then it wasn’t really that bad anyway.” —please reread that statement and decide now if you still agree with yourself.
I once read a non-fiction story of family, where the father molested his teenage daughter. The mother found out about it and (somehow) was able to forgive the husband after he expressed extreme guilt about what he had done and willingness to change.
Some people are truly just able to forgive because they don’t see holding hurts against people to be helping the situation. THose are very wise and mature people. That whole “anger is like holding hot coals, in that you are the only one who ends up getting burned” goes with forgiveness too. Not forgiving other people generally just negatively impacts you. Especially if you hold onto that hurt, it becomes your identity.
SO, yes forgiveness is the best way to lead a peaceful life, I agree.
But, uh, to the suicidal mind, it’s kind of hard if not impossible. Because when you feel this worthless it kind of feels like you’re beyond the point of deserving any type of forgiveness. I agree it would be a great antidote to the disease that is suicidal thinking but the probability that any suicidal mind is going to be able to rewire their thoughts from pro-suicide to pro-life is unlikely.
I get that you mean well though and that post is admirable for people just starting out down the path of negative thinking. Like most things, the trick to curing hopelessness is to catch it before it progresses. Extended hopelessness is hard to counterbalance after a certain point.
I don’t remember who said it, but someone on here (dawg or duke or someone) said something that I thought was pretty good advice. It was something along the lines of “forgiveness is something you do for yourself.”
Don’t forgive people for their sake; do it for your own. You don’t stand to gain anything by being angry persistently.
Scar – don’t know if you read it from me – but i have said it here in the past and know it to be true from implementation.people often make the mistake to think that forgiveness includes releasing the other person from the ramifications and culpability of their violating action … it does not.
They often think of forgiveness in the term of “Forgive and forget” … this mantra is a half truth … it should actually be “Forgive and move on and don’t make the mistake of giving that other person the power and position to screw you over again” … but it doesn’t have the same ring or roll off the tongue like “forgive and forget”
Again, people have a misconception that to “forgive” is to wash away the past sin of the other person as if it never happened … and people will fight vehemently for this definition … but it don’t make it the right definition … it fact it goes well outside the scope of actual forgiveness … at least on the personal level … i expressly exclude legal liability and monetary debts for purposes here.
Wiki: Forgiveness is the renunciation or cessation of resentment, indignation or anger as a result of a perceived offense, disagreement, or mistake …
it adds:
or (OR … not “AND”)
ceasing to demand punishment or restitution
In short, i can still choose to want a person to pay a legal penalty (jail or restitution or both) … without stewing in anger and pining over things they stole from me
I know that oversimplifies it to a degree but the concept applies to almost ever sleight and/or offense someone commits against us.
Someone can lie to us and my personal penalty is that person loses trust and status and maybe even my friendship … but all the time and energy in anger, and disappointment is MY time and energy – that person has already violated my trust, why would i let them also steal my time and energy on top of that? I forgive them so that I – ME – may not expend the time and energy on the subject … they get to endure the penalty legally, socially and intimately … i do not care after that – because i’ve forgiven the transgression … but it stays in the memory banks of my mind in that that person can no longer be trusted.
People often add a reinstatement of honor and trust to a person they’ve forgiven … that is a naive overreach … especially when unsavory types count on that.
dictionary dawg