I feel so incredibly guilty. Marked, Branded, Judged. Dirty, filthy on the inside. This is my confessional. I am selfish, I am false, and I am a liar.
I can talk, spill over with words here about her, and what she did. But in the end, after all of the shit and piss and blood of Her, I am the one I am mad at, and I am the one who is guilty.
There are so many things I would rather hide away. Hide from plain sight. My internal wretch, the insufferable Thing I see in the mirror. What people see is false, and I know it. and I let them see what they want to see. and I let them expect what they have come to expect, and feel in ways I never will. All I feel is Anger. Rage and Hate. and while it is projected, onto the whole wide rotten world and onto Her, it is me I really hate.
I should have known what she was. But I allowed it. I allowed myself to be blind. I allowed myself to be used. Through me, she used my family and my friends. Through me, she enacted her act of manipulation, charms and lies, that caused so much suffering. In my blindness, I let her hurt my family. I refuse to feel that way again. Refuse to be blinded by emotion and lust. I refuse. It is my fault, and no others. I can hate her, and gush words for the levels of treachery she stooped to that nearly consumed me. But it is my own fault, I am to blame, and I will take that rage unto myself and never let my family down again.
Because they need me. I am their backbone. I cannot collapse, though I wish to all the world I could. What weighs me down also props me up and I feel like all the world is screaming. I live through this, as my family inevitably collapses, each and every member falling into their own personal disaster, and all the while I must be silent, I must be the calm and constant in the storm. I cannot be weak. I am the support. The peace keeper. the one who is punished and ridiculed and never bites back and is always the same and always there.
I wasn’t there for my sister. I was blinded by the very one who snared her and hurt her. This will not happen again.
But still, when the day ends, and I am finally behind closed doors, and the dark in my room whispers softly and the quite presses in louder then screaming, I can finally be as I am. The weak and stuttering wretch. and I can collapse, and drag myself to my only solace. I sit before my covered mirror and I take out a craft knife. I can make myself bleed. This is all I have. This is the truth that I hide from everyone I love. I am not what they see. I am false. I am broken.
2 comments
I totally agree with what you just said. My situation is so similar to yours… But I understand that you want to show the world that you are on the verge of collapsing. You may be the support that your family needs, but if you continue to hide this part of yourself from them, you are only pushing them farther from your grasp. It may hurt the people you love when you let them see this side of you, but they will get over it, while you get the help you need. I am learning this the hard way. You can’t fully support the people you love if you are holding yourself back. That is why you need to get help, so that you can be stronger for both them and yourself.
Good luck
-Lulla
A very long time ago, i got tired of romanticizing other people’s actions against my choices, into self-blame.
I dislike some of my physical aspects, and many of my circumstances, but i know what is or isn’t my choice, and i know that i’ve made mostly right choices, only to be subjected to the wrong choices of others, which often negate or override my own choices. I can’t hate myself for what other people choose, especially when other people choose those differently than i do, most often based on ignorance or delusion. None of that is my fault. I didn’t cause my most important hardships; other people did. I couldn’t stop them. I won’t hate myself for that either. I don’t think anyone should hate themselves for what others put them through. I think we should all blame the correct person for their choices, rather than internalizing what others impose upon us, because we are told we should “take responsibility.”
No. Fuck that. I’m not responsible for other people’s choices, only my own, and i especially will not claim to be responsible for someone else choosing the opposite of what i choose. If you oppose my choice and cause detriment, that’s not my fault; that’s on you.