and i realize that
at this point, its not a cry for help
or that i just want the pain to go away
the only thing i really want at this point is to cease my existence
i do really want to die
im just drifting, gripping onto late projects and upcoming concerts
new seasons, concerned friends
but i’m going to end up dead in a ditch anyways
addict, alcoholic, homeless, eating disorder relapse
one of these things is going to consume me when im living on my own
and eventually kill me
so why not get a head start?
i cant even leave the house without being terrified that im going to bump into my rapist
im sure the whole “whats the point” speech has been used over and over again in writings of suicidal nature
but there really isnt one
no amount of sleep can cure my lethargic apathy
and no amount of prozac can keep me away from a razor
or a bottle
or a smoke
or sticking my fingers down my throat
etc etc etc
1 comment
I don’t know your economic situation, etc, etc, but it sounds like the best courses of action would be for you to
1) Empower yourself somehow. Learn martial arts, maybe; even youtube vidoes help if you can;t afford classes. Or get a gym membership, and just fill your days up by doing things that are harmless, but keep your mind off everything. Maybe that way you won’t be afraid of the rapist so much.
2) Have you tried talking to the police about the whole rapist thing? I know they can be useless at times, but it’s worth a shot; it sounds like you have nothing to lose.
3) It sounds like you have some good friends you hang out with. If you hang out in crowds all the time, you may feel safer and more secure. Maybe just tell your closest friends about all the crap going on?
Sorry, amyinthewhitecoat. It sounds like you’re having a tough time. We all are, but you sound like you’re having it tougher than most. Just wait it out, and try to live strongly and well. Find something you like, and let that fill your days. I’m sure things will get better for you.