Stop Thinking

Sometimes I wonder what it would feel like to not exist. Yes, of course I catch myself in the logic of it but haven’t you ever had a fantasy. Sometimes the soreness of my body annoys me just to the point of wishing I didn’t have it. but just being disembodied would be annoying too, just observing never able to interact. That’s when i wish i’d never been born, never been created, never been given a thought in the mind of God. Sometimes I just sit there, not even zoned out, just not even aware of the waking world to which I am pressed into service of existence by my mortal form. The closest I ever get to the state which I consider perfection is the deeper stages of sleep, not even when dreams occur, when no sight, sound, or sense otherwise is experienced or imagined by my soul. I almost wish that the atheists were right when I know they are not, because instead of being in heaven, hell, or just inhabiting this world as a ghost, I would be nothing. But i do not have that kind of hope. To wish for non-existence after the experience of being is at the same time necessary to its cause and contradictory to it’s effect. So now I am stuck, do I choose the infinite happiness for which I was created, or  the endless suffering of separation from that happiness. Perhaps heaven will grant my true wish. Not that I will get there any sooner than is God’s will for me. But in the mean time, these thoughts of not thinking consume me.