How is crazy defined. Crazy comes on so many levels; good and bad. I’m a bad crazy. I didn’t realize it until just now. It may be the swirling darkness in my brain that has finally led me to this conclusion or it could be the excessive amount of dextromethorphan in my body. As I look back on my life I see that I have always been different. I was never the kid who wanted to go out and play. I was the kid who wanted to stay inside and sit in a corner and read a book. This carries on into my adulthood, where I don’t want to go out with friends…I just want to lay in my bed and pretend that everything is okay. I like to put myself into different scenarios and act them out as if it were real life. I hide in my room and live different lives to escape from the one that is slowly destroying me. I am convinced that I was born at the wrong time, in the wrong life. Sometimes I like to think that I am grown up and living on my own with a successful girlfriend who understands me and knows my pain. Other times I’m the famous star who goes around telling others about my struggles with depressi0n and self harm and how much of a triumph it was for me to recover. I don’t like being who I am, therefore I must create lives better than my own. Tonight has been a very weird night for me; I cut so hard this time that I started to bleed in front of my friend. It was the most horrifying experience of my life. The cuts just started to bleed out of nowhere. I know that I need help and that I need to talk to someone. But…it must be done right. I need to wait until I turn eighteen. Don’t ask me why. I just think that after my birthday it will be the perfect time to tell someone that I need help. I’m almost hoping that I’ll get sent away. I think it would be good for me to go away for awhile. To get away from all the bullshit. Maybe find out just exactly what’s wrong with me. What mental disorder really plagues me? Am I really psychotic? Am I a sociopath? Am I just confused and going through a phase? Who knows. I apologize for the rambling…like I said…it’s been a weird night.
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i domt know what dextro whatever is? theres nothing wrong with being an introvert. is the cutting for attention? cuase we all want/need/crave attention. unfortuantely, especially for the introverts, its hard to get attention because we would rather think and dream. yes, you maybe born at the wrong time and place. so may i? the world is really messed up place now. its backwards. if it would get its head out of its ass and quit looking in the mirror and start paying attention to the people like us, The Creators, then maybe things would change. it is slanted twoards extroverts, extrojerks, ha! dont change your imagination. dont let them drug you up and slap a label on you. i think you need to talk to someone, a therapist, NOT a psychiatrist. all a psychitrist will do is drug with poisons which will throw your body out of balance worse. do you feel you have a chemical imbalance? youre so young yet, i would rather see gou get with a good therapist and learn how to deal with things, how you can possibly channel your creative thinking. those questions you ask, only you can anwser.
what im saying is the world needs the creative thinkers, the dreamers, to get us out of this mess. if you cant dream it first, then how can it possibly be made into reality? id like to encourage you to dream things that have NEVEr been thoight of before. yeah, famous star, like a phooenix risen from the ashes comes back to life after years of struggle and gets rewarded. how bout focusing on soemthing that bothers you and trying to solve it creativitly? like ive been working on healing myself at the root, ive had some success, im not there yet and it certainly is NOT what i want to be thinking about but its apparently what God wants me to be focusing on. and im not doing it in the traditional way, im thinking outside the box, that is key. dont copy others lives or ideas. create your own. you can use knowledege and experiences but create a new story. weve already heard the other ones, were bored. lol.
thanks for the kind words. I was honestly worried about posting something like this because I was so afraid of what people were going to say. But I agree with everything you say…I’m all for being artsy and creative it just sucks that with my current situation I don’t have that as an outlet. And I honestly don’t know why I cut. I don’t think it’s for attention because I don’t want people openly knowing I cut; if I tell someone it’s because I trust them completely. Btw, dextromethorphan is also known as DXM and it’s in a lot of cold medicine that people get high off of. I’m not suggesting you do it but it is a nice little escape for awhile…leaves you with an awful stomach ache sometimes though :/
You know, dreaming awake about having a common life is not being crazy, it’s just plain human nature… everyone wishes at some point they could be someone else or have a better life, especially introverted people going through rough times.
It’s good that you want to get help, and maybe you are just going through a phase as you say (in a way we all are, at all times haha), but i think it would do you good to talk to someone even if you sugar coat it and don’t go “all out” talking about your issues (as you said you want to do that after your birthday). That might take some weight out of your back at least, just be careful who you trust if you do it.
But is it weird that I have like a certain way of going about getting help? That’s what is tripping me up…I mean I feel like when people know they need help and want to get help they don’t wait they just go for it. And I do have a friend I talk to about things but I still hold back some because she deals with a lot of her own stuff and I think that’s what is hurting me the most. Like I’ve tried sugar coating things but I just need to get it all out there and maybe that will help to start fixing things…it’s just a matter of finding who I can let it all out to.
I meant “dreaming awake about having a BETTER, not common life”