I need a stranger who will read this or not. Yesterday I was Christmas shopping and buying a present for my boyfriend, trying so hard to pick out something and I was so happy and excited. We have been together for around 5 months and I don’t think i still know what the word boyfriend means or being in a relationship. If i knew it, it wouldn’t be like this. So funny how things can change in less then a few hours. I don’t deserve to be happy, i don’t deserve to be loved at all. I should be dead!
My boyfriend went to spend the weekend with his friends in V. We texted each other just before he went out. I decided to go out too with my friend and we had a great time meeting new people and fooling around until we got so drunk and ….I was reckless and i talked with other guys and danced and even though i refused to do anything with them i let them touch me and kiss me in the neck. One of them went home with me and we kissed and …I cheated. I am a cheater and a liar. On top of that i am selfish, I don’t want to loose him because of this. This is disgusting but i really hope he did the same in V. Then we would be equal i guess. I can’ tell him. I want to but i just can’t because it would kill me if we break up. I love him truly but now i don’t even belive in that because i am not sure i know what is the meaning of love or relationships. One guy was trying to convince me yesterday that we are simply doing it because of pleasure and no one has to know. He also has a girlfriend for 2 years and he told me he loves her. I laughed at that, how can you love someone and be with other people when the person you love is not here. But i am not any different. I thought of blood when i came home crying. I always think of bitting my lips so hard they bleed and i thought of cutting my wrists and i thought of dying. Eventually still drunk i fell asleep on his side of the bed. I guess i betrayed all my beliefs. I searched for someone so long and now i take it for granted. I don’t think anyone will ever love me as he does, he accepts all my flaws and he is always here when i need him. I treat him so badly because that is what i do i fucking purposely destroy the good things around me. I am not a good girl, I am a bad person. I am actually a bad person! I am so sorry A. I am so sorry i let you down. I feel so miserable and empty and shallow…I slapped myself a few times because i can’t stand the fact i did all this things. I mean who does that, I mistreat everyone and i don’t appreciate anything and i go to a fucking corner and cut myself but why…why the hell am I so unhappy. I could have so many good things and i do have them but i just throw them around and break them and people too. Something must be seriously wrong with me. The right thing would be to tell him the truth. I don’t think i can do that. I am going to hope he won’t find out. I can’t bare the thought oh him leaving me . Now i think i should have left him long time ago and i wanted to but something was pushing me in a different direction. I ruined him, can it be fixed?
When people see me they think i am a goody, a sweet innocent angel…how wrong they are. Can it be fixed…Can i be fixed?
I know this: i need to grow up. I have to do this to change everything.
12 comments
Betrayal of self will eat you alive, devour you from inside out.
You’re going to have to figure out how to justify forgiving yourself, or the next several years are going to be very difficult for you, and probably cause you irreparable detriment.
Whether you can be “fixed,” is entirely up to you, and relies heavily upon you learning self control.
Beating yourself up over mistakes probably won’t do you any good. You should instead try to put that energy into correcting them, or at least minimizing the damage caused.
From what it sounds, you’ll never get over it if you don’t confess, and you ought expect him to leave if you do.
What you don’t understand is, by screwing around with some other guy, the person you’ve been dating for 5 months does NOT fulfill all your needs.
It’s probably better for you anyways if you spill it, its better that he hate you then you hate yourself, because at least him you can get rid of, you have to live with who you are the rest of your life.
But don’t take me for an expert, I have no friends, and no enthusiasm to get any either. I’m the most honest person I know, and still can’t live with myself…oh well
You just made a mistake. But, you will have to confess it to make it so that you dont live wit this guilt. If you lose him, its how it is.
But, living with it as a secret will destroy you over time, and I dont think you really want that.
Okay but… you can’t just go around blaming the guy you cheated on for “not fulfilling your needs.” It’s not his fault you chose to get drunk and be reckless and flirtatious and allow the situation to escalate into the result you willingly pursued at every step of the way, on your own, because you wanted to.
That’s what i mean by “learn self control.” Girls who go out with friends, get drunk and fuck someone, while they are in a supposedly monogamous relationship with someone else, are called “sluts” for a reason. Don’t be that girl. Control yourself. Make better decisions. Think before you speak, look before you leap, don’t put yourself in situations with high stakes where mistakes are likely.
Some people just get uncontrollably horny and lose all self control when they drink. That’s part of why the alcohol culture is so prevalent. Take a step back and see the bigger picture, and decide if you really want to be part of that. I know i don’t.
That said… if you do happen to meet someone you find attractive, or even irresistible, having sex with them immediately is probably not the smartest decision. I mean, unless your entire purpose for going out drinking is to find someone to fuck… in which case, you should either not be in any relationship, or you should be in one where both persons are aware and have agreed to such conditions.
Well, I have to give you credit for one thing……….. you are remoresful, have a conscience….. it shows you are a good person.
It didnt take my wife to get drunk to go out and be a slut, she did it fully sober.
But yes, it is very painful, especially when you are married.
However, I am at the point now where I realize I didnt lose anything of value when she left me for her boyfriend(s).
I believe that monogamy is a social construct that runs contrary to our true primordial nature.
People are taught that being faithful to one single mate is the “moral” thing to do, even though the majority of animals don’t adhere to this fabricated code of “ethics”. Animals that mate for life with the same partner are the exception to the rule.
I’m not saying that cheating is alright if you’ve agreed to become involved in a mutually exclusive relationship; I’m merely suggesting that its natural to stray, and the guilt you feel stems from violating ethics you’ve been programmed to accept as virtuous. Good luck.
Monogamy was designed by God (man and woman, nothing/noone else).
The result of straying from that brings up feelings of guilt, loss of self worth because it is God who convicts us inside.
I don’t really understand how people can do things they normally wouldn’t do whilst under the influence. That never happens to me. If I want to be slutty it’s a choice that I make, and has nothing to do with whether I’ve been drinking or not. I’m not judging you or anything.
Anyway, it was a one-night stand and you were drunk. You weren’t having a months-long affair with this guy. It’s not such a big deal. If you think you’ll continue this behaviour, maybe you’re better off single or with an S.O. who wouldn’t be so upset about it. You definitely have to tell your boyfriend, and if he gets upset and breaks up with you… Well, it’s a chance you have to take. Honesty and respect are #1 in maintaining a successful relationship.
When a person in a romantic relationship knowingly engages in actions that might upset their p*rtner, it means that on a subconscious level they are not serious about them and want to scare them away, or, they feel that they are undeserving of what they have and attempt to self-sabotage. It sounds like you’re in the latter camp.
Yeah, it does sound like you have some growing up to you. If you’re in a relationship, rather than second-guessing yourself and engaging in destructive behaviour, you need to say to yourself: I like this person. They like me. There are hundreds of other people out there that they could be with, yet they chose ME. Since you chose them as well, there’s no need to be insecure about anything. Be happy that you found each other and treat one another with respect, and be considerate of each other’s feelings, thoughts, and desires.
Hopefully your boyfriend will forgive your transgressions. I wish you the best.
And since the idea of god was created by man, we can extrapolate that monogamy was intended to help men control society through pairing rules, by using the fear of “hell” to persuade people to refrain from forbidden activities.
Plus, it’s just a really pleasant idea that we’re supposed to find “that special someone” and be happy with them forever. Convincing people that’s how it should be seems pretty easy. Who wouldn’t want that? But then, it can take a very long time to truly know someone, and by then, you might have already produced several offspring with them, before realizing they’re just not who/what you thought… or before realizing they’re really just not THAT “into you.” And plus, people change. People age and grow and mature, and sometimes that means losing compatibility with who you used to think was a perfect match… or them losing compatibility with you.
I think that if you’re still interested in “variety” to any degree, then you should either remain single, or only enter into “open relationships” where extracurricular exploration is agreed upon as being acceptable and expected.
But i also think that sometimes people do crazy things and lose control, and if you really care about someone who struggles with such things, you should probably get over it and forgive them… because we’re all human, and sometimes you have to accept someone’s flaws (read: things you don’t like about them), and appreciate them for who they are, while we exist to appreciate and be appreciated.
I could personally probably forgive someone for straying, but not more than twice. The first time can be a mistake, the second time can be a failure to maintain the adjustments from lessons learned… but after that it’s a pattern, and just being deceptive, opportunistic and exploitative. I can’t trust someone who can’t, or won’t, control themselves, and i can’t be in a relationship with someone i can’t trust, no matter how much i might like whatever i like about them. Once you’ve broken your word too many times, i can’t believe anything you say, and have to remain suspicious and skeptical, and scrutinize anything that isn’t entirely obvious and clear. I find people don’t like that, and can’t handle that; especially those who do not deserve trust.
if you come clean now you have a better chance at staying together than if he finds out on his own. and judging by your words i would think keeping such a secret would eat away at you and probably mess up your relationship anyway. to me it kind of sounds as though you were craving the attention of other guys and are perhaps not ready to be in relationship, but i dont know you. i wish you the best of luck.
I could personally probably forgive someone for straying, but not more than twice. The first time can be a mistake, the second time can be a failure to maintain the adjustments from lessons learned… but after that it’s a pattern, and just being deceptive, opportunistic and exploitative. I can’t trust someone who can’t, or won’t, control themselves, and i can’t be in a relationship with someone i can’t trust, no matter how much i might like whatever i like about them. Once you’ve broken your word too many times, i can’t believe anything you say, and have to remain suspicious and skeptical, and scrutinize anything that isn’t entirely obvious and clear. I find people don’t like that, and can’t handle that; especially those who do not deserve trust.
<————–amen to that, really. I'll tell you, thats how my marriage was. Once a cheater/liar, they never change. Mine did it twice… she only got better at hiding it the second time around.
I now realize its the best thing she could have done for me,…. leaving as she did.
Thank you all for sharing your thoughts and advice. I really appreciate it. I just have to add that i didn’t have a one night-stand, i only kissed a guy ( not saying that this isn’t cheating but i would never sleep with a stranger and i think the mere fact that i lost my virginity with my current boyfriend says all).
Anyway I am just going to say that i couldn’t admit anything. Today he mentioned something how he could never do this to me and i was speechless and he asked if i would cheat him…I couldn’t move i just hugged him tightly and said nothing and when he repeated the question i said No, i would never do this to you, and I almost started crying. I just simply can’t face the fact that i can loose him due to this and if i say the truth he will never look at me the same. I decided to live with this guilt but i need to be with him. I know i am selfish but he represents hope in my life, a person who finally sees something good in me. Without him i don’t think i would be able to keep myself alive.