It’s been almost a year since I last really cut myself. I’ve slipped a couple of times, but never as deep as I had before. I still have the urge though, to do it again and I still want to kill myself. Sometimes it’s out of boredom sometimes out of desperation, but I’m too much of a coward to kill myself. I just want to slice my arms open and bleed out.
But, then I wonder, what if my sister found me in a pool of my own blood? What would happen to her when she grows up? What about my mom, I know she wouldn’t be able to handle it. She’s told me, it’s like she’s guilt tripping me into not killing myself because then she’ll kill herself and my sister will have to live with my dad who is a sick fucked up pathetic excuse for a man.
But I wish someone would just put a gun to my head and pull the trigger for me, at least that way I wouldn’t be guilty of anyone else’s death.
I just want to die. Then I ask myself, why do I want to die? My life isn’t too bad, I wasn’t sexually abused, verbally and physically, not that much. I’m not so poor I can’t eat, I have a roof over my head. I’m not bullied anymore, I have friends now, but I still want to die.
And then I ask myself, what if I survived? What if I actually went through with it one day and tried to kill myself, but survived, I’m almost 18, they would lock me up in a fucking mental hospital probably, and I really wouldn’t be able to deal with that.
And I’m also going to college soon. If I died my mom wouldn’t have to pay for college, that would make it easier on my family, all they would have to do, is pay for my funeral which would be a shit ton cheaper than college tuition right. And if I did go to college it would be a waste of money. All I would do is end up in debt, with some shitty job I hate, trying to save up money so my parents can retire.
I think, that if  I had enough money to cover my funeral and my parents retirement I would kill myself right now.