Home But So Far From Happy

I am back home from the hospital…spent 10 days in ICU…had surgery on Tuesday and they discharged me on Wednesday…but I feel so horrible…while I was there I heard countless Code Blues and kept wondering why I kept waking up the next morning, or from a nap…its not fair…I don’t belong here…no one wants me here…the one person I thought I’d spend the rest of my life with, the one person I thought understood me more than anyone else bc he was in the same boat…is gone…I have no one…nothing…I am no one…but yet I am stuck…trapped here with no reason to live and with no will…but yet I can’t leave…no matter how hard I try, or wish for it, I still keep waking up…all I want is finally to have someone…to matter to them…to be able to be loved…finally be loved…but there is no use…I’m useless…the prayers I pray r useless…everything is useless…if only I could jus find out, Y I’m here? Y me? Y I can’t I die? Y am I alone? Y does no one likes me? Y does everyone always leave me? Y can’t I find someone? Y did he leave? What’s so wrong with me? What do I have to change? What do I have to do?, I’d do anything…If I knew some of these, then maybe it wouldn’t be so bad bc id at least have some answers to the questions I’ve had for so long…Y does it seem everyone else around me has someone they love? Someone that loves them? Y? Just y?