It’s just getting harder and harder to pretend that I’m happy. Â I don’t want people to act differently around me if they know I secretly wish I were dead….and I don’t feel happiness much anymore. Â I have terrible social anxiety and it makes me want to disappear from everyone.
Before, when I was in school or worked in the public it was easier to pretend I was happy. Â Now things are different and I can’t hide it from the people I’m close to anymore. Â If they know, I’ll lose them. Â They’ll be different around me, it’s happened before.
3 comments
Try this: Find one person you can be honest with. Whoever it is, he/she will represent all the rest. Choose wisely. You need someone helpful, non-judgmental, discrete. Ask for help. When the one has indicated that he will help, tell him without hiding. You would hardly believe what an extraordinary honor you bestow by doing so.
As to the others, most are too absorbed in their own dramas/bubbles to even pay attention for long. Don’t waste your time with them. They do not need to know.
In fact, the whole exercise is mostly about letting it out without shame or guilt. Once that hurdle is past, real progress can begin. Good luck.
G.W.
if not easy, I’m tired too! death is so appealing next to fighting to live, sorry not nuch help,
I know nobody will probably read this since this is a year old post, but I had been away from this site for a while since I’d moved. G.W., I did confess myself to one person I had found. It was my partner, actually, as much as I never wanted to place such a burden on someone who means the world to me. It wasn’t that I chose to confess myself really, it happened on its own. My partner isn’t oblivious, and knew something was up from having been with me for almost seven years. On the one hand, I’m deeply happy and thankful that my partner expressed how they’d be with me through anything – even though they aren’t trained/best in dealing with it. On the other hand, I still feel guilt and shame for confessing. It’s really hard to do it without anonymity.
But thanks for the comments. <3