The stuff is hidden in a drawer just waiting. Stuff I use for work so it’s not suspicious. Tonight would have been the perfect time to use it but…I don’t think I can do it. But it’s there in case I ever get the courage to go through with it. I don’t know. I was so sure this morning. Now I’m not. Maybe I’ll wait a little bit longer.
I wish I didn’t have any hope. Life has been so cruel and yet I still think maybe, maybe this time something good will actually happen to me. But no. I’m pretty sure that it will only get worse. I’m so confused. I don’t want to live in such a horrible world but I can’t bring myself to get out of it. Sigh.
5 comments
I bought a tank of helium and am waiting to use it. I am so sick of continuing to suffer so that the people around me remain comfortable. I am told that is why I have to continue to suffer – because it would upset those who love me if I die by my own hand. Don’t they know we all die anyway. I am over 60 and nearer death from some reason everyday anyway? We all die.
Yes, there are those who love me, but my levels of pain and disability rise every day, and there is huge mental suffering that comes with the physical pain. I am so tired of hurting to keep other people from experiencing “premature” grief.
Why should I have to eat so much pain just to keep them comfortable? Why is their suffering seen as worse than mine and why am I responsible for keeping them happy at my own expense?
The only reason I am still alive is to keep others happy. That is a raw deal.
Why don’t I have the right to end my own suffering? Why do those who are not suffering have the right to demand that of me?
Just try to focus on something else, something you enjoy, while you wait for something good to happen. It’s all a matter of passing the time.
Obviously, you are hoping for a reason not to use “it.” Talking with someone about the causes of your suffering will give you a reason. It’s a good time to find someone, being Christmas. Good luck.
G.W.
P.S. If living actually makes others happy, life is well worth living. Try to find some satisfaction in it.
I know how you feel, ellie greenwood. I once read that those left behind after death are the selfish ones because they are only sad for themselves. They are only sad because it hurts them. They are the ones who want you to still be here. I don’t know, it kind of made sense to me.
Thank you for all the comments. Last night, I felt like I was just making excuses not to do it. I guess I just can’t bring myself to actually go through with it. Now I’m just waiting and hoping that death will come soon. I’ll try to distract myself while I wait.