I might be gay.
I’m confused as hell, and the embarrassing part is that I’m 28 years old.
I’m one of those homophobic closet cases.
I slept with a guy once. I was very drunk, and crazy shame and fear came over me during the act and I just left.
I started smoking even more weed. I seem to unconsciously turn to it when the pain gets to much.
My best friend who was living with me at the time started abusing amphetamines and got a psychosis.
My girlfriend broke up with me.
I started getting a lot of success with my business that I totally was not prepared for. I started spiraling out of control, making big and crazy decisions.
This is chronologically inaccurate by the way.
I’m out on the Asperger side of the spectrum. Â I can’t seem to figure out love and being a normal, cool person.
The thing is that I’m crazy talented at pretty much anything I give an honest try.
I don’t know why I hate myself so much. Sometimes I will punch myself hard in the head. Like with a fist. Repeatedly.
I don’t smoke weed anymore and I’m doing my job ok. My business partner is even starting to like me again. So I guess I’m on a better path now.
But still I hate myself, and I contemplate committing suicide pretty much every weekend.
This is just scratching the surface of how fucked up I am. When I think of girls.. part of me want to just hold them close and protect them. Another part of me want to hurt them bad.
4 comments
One night or one misguided event doesn’t have to cast the rest of your life in stone. The voices in our heads tell us that since we went down a certain path we no longer have choices. Not so.
You do not have to feel guilty for what you did and you don’t have to feel like you are betraying one sexual persuasion or another if you decide that’s not for you. I feel like from what you wrote you aren’t comfortable with being gay but trying to stay “in the closet” because you feel guilty if you don’t convince yourself the reason you slept with a guy is because you are gay. Nobody says you have to be anything.
It brings a tremendous amount of stress and pressure into your life if you use that event to frame your entire life. It was just one night. Forget what you “did” and just “do” what you want now and forget about what others think of you. I know you’ve heard that before and I know that taking that to heart is much harder than it seems. But if you don’t at least try to forget others’ opinions you are giving all of your power away to the rest of the world instead of keeping it for yourself.
You are all that matters.
Gay, straight, bi, or whatever, it’s all fine as long as you are true to yourself and aren’t hurting anyone else either. (Don’t believe the negative stereotypes!) Labels aren’t as important as accepting yourself for who you are. *Awareness* you have an issue with anger toward women is the key to getting past whatever is causing you to feel that way. I will say, though, that figuring out where this anger toward women is coming from and resolving whatever issue is causing it might very well help you figure out if you might like guys or girls more (as romantic partners). Maybe you can join a men’s group for gay/bi men to help you figure these things out. Some members of these groups might be just as confused as anybody, but there are bound to be some those as well who have the life experience to help guide you, even if it turns out you’re totally, 100% straight and that one night was just a one-time thing.
You may be gay or you may be straight or you may be, like most people, somewhere between the two polar opposites. What is at play here IMO is not how a person labels him/herself – you are the only one who fully knows what it means to be you so the label is not the issue. From over here it is hard not to remember the horror any normal person would feel at being further pushed out of society and stigmatized as a scapegoat for being “gay” when they may already feel disconnected from the family of the People of Earth.
Thank you so much for your replies. It feels good to know that there are people who care even tho they have no obligation to.