I want to end it today. I want to use the detergent method. I guess I’ll rent a cheap motel room, since I don’t have the house to myself. I can’t take another hour of living. I’m really at the end. I have no hope for anything. I am so fucked up mostly mentally but even physically. I am worthless. I can’t change things. There is really no hope for me. I wish I could just be put down humanely like a wounded animal would be. I am much more wounded than some of them are. This is not an impulsive decision. I have been suffering for so many years and I’ve tried everything, but I and my life just get worse every year. Some people like me, are just destined to suffer and aren’t cut out for this world. I just needed to tell someone. I don’t know what to do. I would want to live rather than face death and cause my family to suffer, but I can’t live like this anymore and I obviously can’t change who I am or anything else.
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I am in SO much pain right now it’s killing me. I’ve taken ativan to try to stop the panic attacks, but it’s barely taking the edge off. I feel like I’m having a heart attack. I can’t stop crying. I wish someone could help me, but there’s nothing to do with a loser like me. I’m hopeless. I still haven’t bought the lime sulfur yet. I’m hoping that it’s cheap and I’ll find it at a pharmacy. I hope a bottle of each will be enough. Someone please tell me that it won’t feel like I’m suffocating to death. Please tell me that God will forgive me. I don’t want to hear that He doesn’t exist, because I believe strongly that He does.
Please someone, talk to me. I’m so desperate. I need someone to comfort my fears about this a little.
hello cagedtiger
im in about the same place you are and would love someone to chat with about everything…if you would would want to of course
Is one bottle each of the Lysol The Works and Lime Sulfur enough or will I just end up surviving to be a brain damaged vegetable? Not far from what I am now, but at least I can use the washroom and feed myself at the moment. I’m definitely brain damaged tho.
If I’m in the washroom and I seal it off, will that be a sufficiently small enough space? Google is vague and conflicting on answers. Fortunear, you seem to know about this, can you advise me please?
Hi cagedtiger I know exactly how you feel and looked into the house hold item method
@ canitbeoversoon yes, I would really appreciate that. How do I reach you?
@ Perky1234 I’m sorry to hear that. I know your pain. Did you have any answers about the quantities or if it will feel like I’m suffocating? I don’t know what to expect. I’m so terrified, but I need to be free of this life so badly.
The sheer effort of all I have to do before I go is overwhelming. I need to get to a cheap motel room, which is already a lot since we’re getting a snowstorm and I don’t have a car. I still have to write at least one letter. I have to buy the sulfur. I guess I can use the garbage can at the motel room since I won’t have a bucket. And I have to bring paper, a marker and tape to put up warning signs just before… Sorry just thinking out loud. I’m overwhelmed and terrified. Time for another ativan. I’ll take a bunch of those just before doing it. Will that help diminish the survival instinct?
I have researched that method, but discussion of methods on here will get the post removed. If you’d like to communicate another way, I’d be up for talking with you as that is the way I plan to go. I don’t believe a bottle of the stuff from the store is what you need…and I can explain why off of here. Just let me know how I can contact you…
@cagedtiger – I don’t I’m afraid.
@ready2013 – I would like to communicate.
Cagetiger to go on with te hard days i visualize myself as a gladiator like in the films and i imagine life as a bad guy that is laughing and ridiculising me.and whr im low i say to myself to live one day more so that ***** stops laughing to me.you are all wartiors make that ***** shut their mouths by living as long as you can and then laugh you of them.here you have someone to talk about anything whenever you llike man.cagetiger warrior
@ ready2013 I would really like to hear what you have to say. I don’t want to post my email here because it will come up in google searches and my family will be able to read all that I’ve written. I think if you click on the bubble on top next to my comments should be my email address.
For whatever reason, I never have a bubble to click on to access people’s email addresses…and the one in my profile I don’t use…
Can you post it with lots of spaces or . . . . I will hit refresh several times to catch it and then you can delete quickly. I’d post mine, but I’m fairly certain a local organization checks this and they’ve already tried to intervene once.
S j o e l @ h o t m a i l . C o m
got it…delete!
either of you on skype? might be faster chatting that way than email?
Thank you Ready2013!
If you’re going to use the detergent method make sure to seal everything up… doors, windows, everything, and leave plenty of signs for people to see before they go in and try to save you… from what i’ve read it is real easy to damage bystanders or people that want to save you… hope you find some aid and won’t do it tho, and sorry if i can’t help you with the amount needed (my post would be removed)… all i can say is that the amount you’re thinking of using is not enough
Unfortunately, I don’t use skype. I mostly talk on the phone or by email.
@ keief Thank you for the info. Someone here had said that one bottle of each was enough, but I feel worried that it`s not. I`m terrified in general tho. I can`t imagine who would be able to help me. I`m destroyed, am of no value whatsoever in this world and see no hope in any way to have a different future.
@ perky1234 I’m so afraid too. :'(
@ onebullet That’s cute. I’m glad that it helps you. It would not even come close to helping me tho, but thank you very much for the suggestion.
Blindness….it is Real.
Its dark.
Its black.
It hurts.
Your blindness is real.
That feeling of looking into darkness in a room – it is disorienting. If you look at it long enough, you just feel like the disoriented feeling IS you. And you Are it. And there is never gonna be anything else because you are just to broken, too bad enough, too not enough, too not as good as…, too past helping, of no value, because the nothingness of the darkness ……you got lost in the darkness. So lost that you feel unable to see any future or the present. Escaping the pain of feeling nothing, lost, and alone might seem like a solution for relief, but only if you believe you will not be alive in spirit afterward.
When I have felt that bad, I fight for my life by imagining a road, a dark country road at night, no light from the moon, so dark you can barely see anything. You are standing on the road. There is fog. I choose to remind myself over and over that there is a turn in the road, and I cannot see the curve. I choose to believe there is a turn in the road, which represents an unknown, unseen future.
This one vision has saved my life multiple times. It is my gift to you.
I also have the belief that Darkness wants to destroy. It will destroy your memory of good things if it can. It will warp our image of ourselves so we believe we are nothing or less than nothing and deserve to be gone. All lies. You cannot see the truth until you get around that corner. And if you just wait. Just wait, write, and draw a picture of the road and the dark and the corner, you will in a few hours, a few days, or a few weeks, discover something new. But remember the road and the curve, forever. We mustn’t stop before we let the “universe” turn the corner. It happens with time.
Stay with the suffering. Allow it. You will eventually turn the corner and be glad you did.
Time.
@ trailering I do believe in the afterlife and feel that my actions will take away any chance that I may have had to rip in heaven for eternity, I doubt that God wants me anyways.
That is a lovely and hopeful thought about the road ahead. Unfortunately, I’ve been suffering for most of my adult life and I’m 40 now. So I know better than to think that the future will cure me or have anything better to offer me. I thank you for trying tho.
Hi Caged. y
Hey Fortunear, so glad to see you. I can’t seem to find your email address but I wanted to talk to you if you don’t mind. Either by phone or email, whatever suits you better. Would you be available today?
Sent email to your hotmail.
Thank you Fortunear.
@ Fortunear Strange, but I didn’t get an email from you yet. I wonder why not?
Its the email associated with your account. We have emailed on it before.
@fortunear: i’m starting to think you work for the detergent companies, you always appear when someone says detergent method, lol (thanks for replying by the way, just checked my email after almost 2 weeks haha)
No Keief, I asked him to contact me in the post above. He would have seen it if he typed in his user name to check for responses. I know you’re kidding, but just to be sure I wanted to clear that up!
@ fortunear I even tried to search for your previous email using the search bar in hotmail but nothing came up. I tried searching for your user name here, but that may not be part of your email. The email that you wrote to me on before is the one that I’m checking, but I don’t have any email from you this time.
@cagedtiger haha, i know, i was going to suggest you contacted him but noticed you already did 🙂
@ Keief Okay, that’s what I thought, but was just making sure! He is a chemist, so who better to ask chemistry related questions to? I’m not exactly gifted in that field (or even gifted in any other way), so I have to rely on the knowledge of others and the internet!
@ fortunear I found an email for you when I clicked the bubble on top. I sent you an email there, did you get it or is that not a valid email address?
Responded. Hopefully that one went through. 🙂
Got it, thank YOU so much! 🙂
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DON’T DO IT.
Haha! @ KF. No, talking to/instructing/teaching people is my best method of sorting something out in my own mind. So discussing this method with people helps me learn it and how I myself will implement it better. I always identified with the House episode where his entire ‘idiot’ staff quiets, so he forces the janitor to talk to him about his sick patient. He tells the janitor to pretend like its a broken floor buffer and what could be wrong with it. Haha.
Oh crap I just notice I missed a no.1 after the letter L from my add
Does anyone else have trouble sleeping at night, I don’t look forward to sleep anymore because i know I don’t get much and just stay awake staring into space. Gets me down a lot. How can anyone not look forward to sleep?
Hmm why does the time say 11:25 on my post when in fact it’s 04:27 in the morning.
Omg man.. dont do that in a motel… u gonna hurt lots of people..
if u failed for sure u will end up in jail…
since u dont have a car… its not nice to try this method..
how about ******** method or something…
I understand ur feeling..
I m also suicidal.. but not willing to take any innocent people with me..
@ buttless I was going to try to rent an isolated room at the end, I had a particular motel in mind. So, I wouldn’t have taken innocent bystanders with me. In any case, it turns out that Lime Sulfur isn’t easy to find at this time of year and possibly at any time of year as it has been banned in some places.
@ Perky1234 I have a lot of trouble sleeping too. I take ativan both for anxiety attacks and to sleep at night. It helps, although I still have horrible nightmares or dream all night so I never feel very rested. I feel like I spent all night fighting battles. As for the post time being different than the time that you posted, I guess it can have to do with where the website is being hosted from?
I don’t know what to do with myself. I hate myself and hate my existence on this earth. I feel a tremendous amount of guilt about my family having to endure the suffering that they would go through when I die tho. I don’t know what to do about that. If only they could see that I can’t continue with this existence and that I’m too sick to go on. If only they could understand that and be happy for me to be free of this life. But, it doesn’t look like they will understand that. I’m so torn. I’m so tortured. I really fucking hate living and wish I was never born. :'(
Lately I have been drinking some Midori at night about an hour after taking the Clonazepam.
I sleep much better.
In fact, I have ben sleeping really well since I began doing it.
I believe it enhances the Clon. I wont overdo it as to overdose, but it certainly makes me feel better, and it also seems to lessen the nightmares I have been having of my “wife”.
Not saying you should try it, each person is different.
Its not hard to find lime sulfur.. I bought two bottles from ebay. Expensive but yeah not really hard to obtain it. Someone is gonna get into ur room.. to ask u to leave.. are u gonna post the sign in front of the door or something?
Yes, I saw some lime sulfur being sold online. I meant that I had trouble finding it to buy locally, as I was in a rush and wanted it right away. I had planned on posting signs all over, including on the front door minutes before. I was feeling very desperate and in a rush to end it all, but now I’m not thinking of doing anything anymore for the moment. The guilt of abandoning my daughter like that is tremendous and it’s really making me reconsider. Or at least, consider postponing. I am being selfish and thinking of my own pain more than the pain that I will cause her, not to mention my parents. I still feel like I can’t endure another moment of this existence, but I feel trapped. I’m also concerned about ending up in hell, which I know many people here don’t believe that it exists, but I’m a Christian and so for me it is a harsh possibility. I don’t know. I’m just stuck, sick and miserable. :'(
not to mention the pain you would cause your friends.
Call me again tonight. 🙂
I enjoyed our chat last night.
@ w.i.g. thank you for your support. You’re a very sweet and compassionate person. Someone who is really hurting as I suppose we all are, and that makes me sad. I hate to know that anyone is suffering this brutal level of pain.
sorry babes, i missed your call today,,, was out to dinner/mall with a friend (she is married).
Call me now. Im here at home.
OK?
Sorry, I’ve been crying so much that I can barely find a moment that I can hold it together long enough to have a conversation. Today was one of those days. Every day is one of those days actually. I can’t remember the last time that I was actually happy for a couple of days. It’s been a really long time.
((((HUG))))))
Call me tomorrow. I have an 11 am appt. witht he counselor, should be here most/all of the afternoon, and at night.
@ buttless Which lime sulfur did you get from ebay? The pet dip isn’t the right one and the pesticide comes in different strengths and bottle sizes. Do you know which is the right strength?