I’m just so tired of suffering. The emotional pain sucks beyond belief and the tears never seem to subside. I’m the same age my father was he took his own life; it was devastating to me as a thirteen-year-old child.
And now I grapple with my emotional pain, wishing I could end it all, but not wanting to inflict the same distress, misunderstanding of love, and rejection onto my own son that my father’s suicide encompassed me with.
Fuck. Nothing is easy. I can’t even check out smoothly or with ease. Just sucks.
2 comments
I know. The emotional guilt trip from the fruit of our loins. They are a Godsend yet our ultimate barrier. We do everything we can for them whilst secretly screaming for the end inside. You want to watch them grow and be happy yet you know the pain ahead instore for them. You do everything for them. YET you do everything for yourself. Seriously just look at the unnecessary times you shout at them etc. As a parent you cant win but as a suicidal parent you cant lose. (funny how you do lose though, no matter how hard you try) enjoy every second you can with your children. Congratulate yourself on every second you actually enjoyed with them. Let them teach you one thing. INNOCENCE. The way they look at things so innocently makes you see things from their perspective. and how different it is! Enjoy those seconds then force yourself to enjoy something, just one thing out of life. Let your children take the lead on this one. Do something you wouldnt normally do. Let them decide and see where it takes you. Good luck.
Dear cyan,
The encompassing of those emotions are very heavy. Do you forgive your father? I hope you do. he must have been in a very dark place, and may have not had an outlet……this site is a good start. There are many that will listen, keep writing