Its late now,
I shouldn’t be up writing on this but I feel the need. Truth is I’m a hopeless case, I’m in a busy year of exams in a prestigious school, I’m training for big competitions in sport and I cant cope with anything. I recently moved to this prestigious school, leaving behind all the friends I had grown up with, the people at my new school are nice don’t get me wrong but I miss my old buddies and it doesn’t help that we don’t talk that much either. I have never been diagnosed with depression but I know I have it. I also cut too, but only in times of anger, I have anger issues. I cut to release the anger, to bring me back to real life but I find that just isn’t enough anymore. I don’t cut excessively, just one on my wrist whenever the need arises. the scar it leaves behind is a constant reminder to me to not lose my temper badly around the ones I love as they can get hurt by my increasing flares. I hate myself for hurting people and I hate myself for whining, so I’ve stopped asking for help. People always say they are there for you but when you have a fight with them they let spill just what they really think. People have snapped at me in fights about my cutting and about why I do it and that they have the same problems and I say well maybe you can deal with them better, but my head is fried. I’m sick of not getting good enough grades, I’m sick of spending time on friendships for them not to last, I’m sick of being the nice person only to get it thrown back in my face. I don’t understand how someone like me who has it all can feel like they have nothing they need. I wish my parents would slow their busy lives just to take a look at me and say, ‘Jeez, there’s something really wrong here..’ they haven’t noticed my scarred wrist, they did notice my mood swings but just gave me tablets and said take them, they never brought me to anyone, they know I’m struggling with pressure but they keep applying it. I have reached boiling point a few times but it only ends up in fights with my family. So I shut up and put up. That’s what I can do. Meanwhile, the days still go on, and I still hide my anger, loneliness, depression and problems behind a merry chorus of a laugh, people say they love to hear it, but they just don’t know what it hides.
2 comments
I feel you on the cutting thing..I get so angry mostly at myself the only way to calm myself down is to cut. It’s a really bad habit I wish I never started but in some fucked up way it helps calm me down. Also I switched to a new school this year and I know it sucks leaving behind old friends but it’s worse when they don’t even miss you..I wish my parents knew how I felt but there’s no way I could tell them I feel like dying. I just want you to know your really not alone and I really hope things get better for you.
Honey, you’re young and things can change drastically for you in the coming years. You shouldn’t put so much pressure on yourself to be an over achiever. Really not healthy for you mentally or otherwise. You’ll see. I really feel like with your type of personality that you will have a great life ahead of you.
It does suck when parents seem oblivious to what’s going on. I feel like you just need to tough through your courses and maybe try to make a couple of new friends. Do what you need to get by at the moment and I’m sure things will improve for you in the near future.