I’d like anyone reading this to take note of every word I write.
I’m furious.
I’m nearly murderous.
I’m hateful.
I’m blackening in my rage.
My thoughts would scour your minds clean,
Leaving you incapacitated, searching for answers.
The truth is, I’m sad and lonely, just like all of you.
But unlike the majority of you, I choose to unleash my sadness in a glorious rage.
I don’t take drugs,
I don’t cut myself,
I don’t starve myself,
I am better than that.
I choose to be furious and attack everything with the ferocity and indignation that only true insanity can grant…
And there is a distinct possibility that someday, perhaps a day not so distant from today, I will end my own life.
But until that day, I will look down on those of you who choose to be held in the vices of your depression, too weak to even respect yourselves and deny yourselves the most simple and least rewarding pleasures in life, getting high, looking to a god for answers, cutting your thin wrists.
Follow my lead, you weaklings, and become strong. Become furious and rebel against all of the things that have made your lives so laden with sadness and solitude.
Or revel in your sadness and solitude. Let it be the fire that fuels you to greatness.
But do not roll over and submit, you worthless cunts.
For every one of you that allows yourselves to succumb to weakness and vulnerability, you discredit the decision we contemplate. You let the happy scum of the world, with their wives and friends and children, write off the decision as for the weak and the helpless.
Courage. It takes great courage or unknown clarity to end one’s life.
So stop being so detestable and do something wonderful with your lives before you decide to end it.
A perk of being beyond help, drowning in a sea of despair, is that we can let go of the threat of rejection.
Open your eyes and stop being so narcissistic in your every thought.
Sincerely,
Amoral
6 comments
I surely can feel the rage radiating of you amoral. But what if I tell you that you are no different from the people here. Essentially we all let ourselves succumb to emotions, the emotion you choose is just different. Ask yourself if there’s truly a difference between living in a haze of sadness or a haze of rage?
You are right in saying we shouldn’t submit to our weaknesses. Yet if you’re weakness is rage, shouldn’t you be fighting to overcome that rage?
Spend a day in my shoes and last till the next morning, then and only then judge what I do as submitting to weakness.
Go through years of undiagnosed torment, both physically and emotionally, then and only then judge me as weak.
Visit a doctor and hear how he has no help for you and that you have a chance to die before the age of 35, then and only then judge me as giving up hope.
Spend the better part of your lifetime building your talents and working at your skills just to see them gather dust on a shelf, then and only then judge me as worthless.
See what I have seen, know what I have learned, recognise how hard I have worked for what I am and what I could do and realise just how much I am willing to sacrifice for the sake of peace…
Then and Only then, can you even start to presume to know me or what I go through…
It would be wrong of me to say that I understand you, but I do completely agree with your thoughts on things like Self Harm and how it’s a pathetic and weak thing to do. I thought that maybe the only people left on this site were teenage girls who are ‘suicidal’ because they think they’re ugly. It seems obvious to me that you’ve actually experienced the true pain of the world, and I hope that you get better. I wish I could say that I’ve been there, but don’t think I have.
PhantomShadow, I understand that I have no insight to your life. The saying goes that every person bears a weight on their shoulders that none of us can hardly comprehend. But having said that, there is never a reason to give up living. Perhaps a reason to give up existing, the answer there being suicide, but not to give up living. Please, for the sake of those in the world, similarly afflicted as you are, don’t submit to whatever it is that you think you need to stay warm. No matter how impossible it seems, the salvation from your own demons rests in your hands.
Ravanys, thank you for giving my thoughts critical analyzation. I would agree with you, that perhaps anger and fury are my vices that are fomented due to my ubiquitous depression. But where we differ is that, despite having the urge to cause physical harm to people who simply annoy me or to yell and scream profanity when my blood is curdling, I have found a way to hold the rage within, and release it in other forms, creative forms that allow the aggression to subside and keep the thoughts in my mind at bay for at least a short time. Thank you again, for your thoughts on my post. It was much appreciated.
LivingQuietly, thank you for your encouragement. It warms me. I like your name as well. For a long time, anonymity was my policy in life. Everyone experiences loss and bereavement in different ways. It seems that you’ve found a way to cope with yours in a more civil manner than I. Stay well.