Goodbye

This is my last post here.

I decided to take things into my own hands, to face with everything that comes. Something happened recently and it is really hard to look at myself in the mirror. I deserve everything bad that will happen to me because i did terrible things myself. I longed to become like people around me and i have succeeded. I never thought i will but what is left is shame. All my actions that took place the previous year were done by a selfish person. I managed to drove away all the people who truly care about me. I fell in love for the first time and i finally learned what love is like. A feeling much better than i imagined. I won’t be engaged to tell the story of how the truth was revealed and how lies can never bring something good but i will write of the future. What i did can never be forgiven and i am well aware of it. Unconciously i am aware that things won’t stay as they are. Things will dissolve as they must. When i think of goodbye i see the image of doors shuting in front of me but there is no sound. I see myself on the floor trying to pull my heart out. I didn’t know that heart can actually hurt you like this, like it is contracting so roughly and the feeling is rather uncomfotable than painful. I feel that all the time now. I deserve it. I also think about how he feels, how he is coping with the fact that i betrayed him. I always wrote about people doing bad things to me and now i took the role of the culprit.

Again i had several thoughts about ‘doing myself in’ but there is no sense. I don’t want to cause more pain to anyone. The promise i gave values more than anything and i am intending to keep it no matter what happens.

I am most certain that he will leave me and it scares me more than anything. I know it is not fair of me keeping him next to me after everything that has happened. Maybe even scariest thing is that i am able to accept it. I am not sure how i am going to survive this but i guess i will. It will take me years to forget this feeling. I only hope it will be easier for him. I just wanted to say maybe in hope that you will read it: I have never met someone so kind, so simple yet so wonderful. I am honestly grateful for everything you did for me and one of the best moments were those spent with you. I would like to apologize for approaching you that night because you would never had to go through all this. I think this simplifies all my apologies. I know i love you and maybe showed it in the worst possible way but i do, more than anything. This is the only true thing in my life right now. As i want to become a better person i have to accept the consequences.

I am not going to stop you when you decide to leave me.

I wanted to say goodbye to myself, the person i despise the most, the only source of misery.
After my exams finish i think i am going to ask for medical help; i can’t put this away anymore. I’ll try to focus on others from now on and do more good, i think it will make me happy.
Goodbye