Although I may never commit suicide
I spend parts of each day thinking about suicide –
Thinking about how I lack the courage to do it.
I wake in the mourning with 60 per cent depression.
That’s how it remains for the whole day,
Except for the odd occasion in a year
In the doorway or on the street I meet by chance
For a few minutes a woman passing-by
Who has the time to stop and talk for three minutes
Or five minutes or even sometimes seven or eight minutes,
Who rocks back on her heels in her pink, hooped skirt
With laughter, no matter what the topic.
Depression and despair are two different states
Of mind, not having a lot in common.
Although I have 60 per cent depression, I do not despair.
I do not see eye to eye with Samuel Beckett
Who disapproved of suicide and who promulgated
The doctrine of ”going on” for the sake of ”going on”.
Estranged from my family, if I do not soon
Take my own life, others will take it from me –
Hooded males with knives in their tracksuits
Or medics in their scrubs prancing corridors
Or cowpat-faced ward sisters smirking
Or ice-cold proprietors of old peoples’s homes.
How is it that you do not see it, Samuel,
That I do not want to go on for the sake of going on –
Seeing the same old, tired-out impressionist paintings again and again?
Men are such po-faced bores.
Each one of them an editor-in-chief.
I wand to stand still by the water’s edge.
I want to hold a woman’s hand for the last time.
I want to fill my pockets with Palaeozoic stones.
I want to open my eyes.
From the collection Praise In Which I Live And Move And Have My Being (2012).
To whom it may concern –
If you’re reading this – it’s already too late. I’ve lived long enough – arguably on borrowed time. I can’t remember a time in my life when I wanted to exist. I’ve only stayed around as long as I have for the sake of others. I haven’t lived for myself because I never wanted that. The world seems hell-bent on torturing me and leeching my sanity day by day. Please – don’t feel guilty. Do not question what you could have done to prevent this because the short answer is that there is nothing you could have done.. Do not grieve. This was inevitable. This decision was not made in an impulsive haste but was the result of years of intricate, well thought-out planning and consideration. For me, all roads eventually lead to suicide. I opened Pandora’s box at a young age, and my box was missing the one positive thing – Hope. For me, the future doesn’t exist. I apologize in advance for any pain my actions tonight have caused, and I know there will be an initial stage of shock and grief. But trust me when I say you are all better off without me. And in due time you will realize that. I’m sick of being a burden on those of you who are close to me. I don’t want to hold you back anymore. So while freeing myself from my demons – I am setting you free as well. Take comfort in the fact that I’m not in pain anymore – the tortured soul finally rests in peace. I am no longer a prisoner in my skull, at the mercy of my own sadistic brain. I am no longer plagued by extreme self-loathing. And while I love and appreciate you being in my life, I warned you about getting too close to me – I told you things would eventually go south. This was simply natural selection. Thank fuck I didn’t live long enough to pass this weakness down to a precious little human of my own – to taint the future of the species. I’m also sorry about the mess – a bullet in my skull was the only way to ensure this worked as quickly and efficiently as possible. I have one last request before I bid you farewell: I do not want a funeral or a memorial service. Don’t waste your time and money. Cremate my body and dump the ashes into the stream in the woods behind my childhood home – the only place I ever truly felt at peace. Let your sorrows be washed away downstream along with my remains. Then, forget about me, forget I ever existed, and move on with your lives. Be fruitful and prosperous. Make the very most of the time you have. I love you guys, but it’s time for us to part ways. Love, light, and blessings to you all. Goodbye.
I don’t even know how I ended up here. I was looking for painless ways to go. I guess since I’m here I will say goodbye to my sister. I know you tried, an I love you. Christina, My love what can I say other than I’m sorry. My kids will never understand this decision, so break it to them gently. The rest who know me, well “middle finger”.
Hii my name is Arianna… I done something I can’t take back.. I took a handful of pills.. Idk if I’ll die or not, if I don’t post anything else then obviously I’m dead, but I’ll make sure to keep y’all updated. Thanks for everything guys, it really helped.. Goodbye..
Posted on: Thursday, May 5th, 2016,12:26AM
Hi, my name is Carlos. I was born on Dec. 2, 1997 and I suffer from ADHD, anxiety and depression. I am Puerto Rican and was born and raised in America. I have 4 older siblings all also native to America. Three sisters with my brother being the oldest out of all of us, me being the baby in the nest.
I’m not really sure how I should start this off so I won’t worry about it, I’ll just start off from where I think it matters the most.
As a child, I had sort of a violent childhood. It was mostly violent because of all that I had witnessed as a young boy.
As a child, I was very quiet, reserved. Unusually so. I usually wouldn’t speak unless spoken to. I was a good kid, though I worried some because I was just so timid and reserved most of the time. I’m sure some people thought that I had autism or something but, at the age of three I changed completely from that quiet, reserved kid to a violent, borderline psychotic child. My mother had even gone as far as to call a priest to our home to see if perhaps I was possessed by a demon (the priest had told her that I was just extremely troubled and that I required medical attention). I was never the same again after I had fell out of the third story window. My siblings wanted nothing to do with me from then on, always pushing me aside, never really inviting me whenever they went to hang out with their friends because of my obnoxious and overly-hyper personality and so for the most part of growing up, I was a shut-in. I never got to develop any proper social skills, I never made any friends, I never went to normal schools, all special ED because it was just easier on my mother (by this time, she was devorced because it turned out that her husband/my step-dad was molesting my youngest sister and he fled before the police could catch him), so my childhood was practically non-existent. I was ALWAYS alone because I was convinced that I was a burden to anyone and everyone.
My mother had to raise me, the problem child, and 4 other kids on her own. I was probably the worst because of my horrible temper (once, I threw a glass plate at the back of my sister’s head and it landed her in the hospital. Another time, I chased her around with a knife). My mother always tried to have someone baby-sit me but, all the people that she left me with couldn’t handle me for more than five minutes before they were calling my mom back to have her pick me up and take me back home.
I was pretty much a handful after the incident.
Luckily, I had only acquired a couple of bruises here and there when it happened. If there was ever a time to wonder if a Guardian Angel’s handiwork was at play, then that moment and the moments that followed after were definitely one’s to consider as such…
Time skip forward passed all the doctor appointments and medicating, and at the age of 15, I finally noticed that I just wasn’t a happy individual… Not even remotely. I was so bitter and hated life with a passion. At that age it was where I had experienced my very first suicidal thought.
After two years of silently suffering, of silently enduring, at the age of seventeen the suicidal thoughts became too intense, too realistic. I first started cutting at 15, but at 17, I got way more aggressive.
The self-harm wounds suddenly seemed to always leave scars until cutting just wasn’t enough and I started considering other solutions to end my pain. Permanent solutions…
I remember looking down into my palm at all the white pills piled on top of each other. It was definitely a sure overdose if I went through with it, I knew that, yet, I dumped the pills back into the bottle and went to bed.
Later that week, I asked my mom if she could set up an appointment because ‘I wasn’t feeling good’. I had basically set up a fake appointment so that I could confess to my doctor that I’ve been having dangerous suicidal thoughts for awhile.
I went through the process and got help. After I received the help, things seemed to be looking up.
I finally stated attending public high school and it was like I was living in a dream. It didn’t last long though.
It seemed that one by one, everyone that had supported throughout my treatment had suddenly started to drift away.
Eventually, everything reverted back to the old ways and worse this time.
Now, I’m currently eighteen, a high school dropout, no plan for the future, no one I can talk to that cares. Just like before, everyone is treating me badly.
But this time it’s 10x worse, because now they know the reason why I act the way that I do, why I do the things that I do; because I suffer from anxiety and depression, but before, they had a legitimate excuse. They didn’t know there was anything wrong with me. They thought that I was just a bitter, miserable teenager, but now? They KNOW why I’m like this. It’s because I truly AM a miserable teenager.
But they just don’t seem to care; they continue to neglect me, especially my mother, the one person that I thought I could go to to seek love & support, but instead I receive nothing but insults. She only points out my faults, she yells at me for being lazy but doesn’t consider that maybe I’m not being lazy, but am just in fact unmotivated to do anything. When I don’t speak up in public or try to avoid conversations with people, she gets angry at me and thinks I’m being arrogant instead of considering the possibility that I’m actually just trying to avoid a panic attack.
I don’t bother trying to explain myself to her anymore because her responses are so invalidating it crushes me inside.
All my life, I’ve only had her to look to for support, love and understanding, but I’ve never gotten it.
I’m so done trying and trying and trying just to have ignorant and selfish people come along and tear me down.
I feel so under-appreciated and worthless. Nothing I do pleases anyone. Everyone is always getting upset with me, bossing me around, calling me selfish. They tell me to stop being so lazy, immature and irresponsible but I was never taught to do the opposite.
My mother is always complaining about things and whines so much, I have no room whatsoever to vent myself because if I do, then I’m the one being selfish and ignorant. If I complain and whine, then I’m the heartless one.
I’m tired feeling this way; I have no support, I receive no love, I can’t vent for the fear of being called selfish. I’m such a burden to those around me. It seems my only purpose in life is to make people miserable…
I’m going to end my life very soon.
Mother’s Day is just around the corner. I’m hoping I can end my life on Mother’s Day so that it hurts my mother that much more around this time of year.
I hope that it’s a painful reminder of how badly she failed all 5 of her kids and how her failure as a parent caused one of them to take their life.
I want this to be the ultimate revenge for failing me. I hope it kills her.
Thank you for reading.
Today, I heard the news that one of my favorite teachers died. I could have accepted it better if it was a natural death but I heard it was not.
He was robbed and killed. Shot. In. The. Mouth.
He was an old man. Excited for his long awaited retirement. He wanted to go to places. And now he can’t.
He was strict but fun. He made us recite this poem he made everyday. But it’s not the boring kind of recitation. He likes to twist it around. He was a jolly old man.
He believed in our potential. He taught us a lot of words. And it was fun.
I lost the game. She really does hate me now even though, my depression and apathy were the causes for why I pushed her away. I guess I deserve this fate… A fate worse than death or Hell… A living Hell with only one escape. It’s fine. I was tired of fighting sanity and life, anyway… I’m moving my date to tonight.
This year has been the worst year of my life . This year I changed my ways , started reflecting on my self & thinking differently , and saw the world differently than I used to . I changed to be a better person but it really had an impact on me. I used to hang out with the wrong crowd and get into trouble. I took my self away from all that madness . And I realized I wasted all my teenage years with the crappiest people . So this year was a reflective year on my self . And it was a hard year . I think 2016 will be hard for me too.
I’m about to go to the store and buy a couple bottles of champagne for tonight. I’m gonna go out . And I’m proud because I never go out with friends . So I hope to get really drunk tonight with some girlfriends and dance & forget about all this madness .
I hope 2016 is better for me & all of you 🙂
I wished for stars tonight because they were the last thing I wanted to see. Of course it has to be cloudy but it don’t really matter…
My last few hours that I plan on being alive and I am spending it here on the internet….How pathetic can I get??? Just sitting here waiting for darkness to fall. I even bought some incense sticks that are supposed to smell like Christmas. Stars and the smell of Christmas, I wanted happy thoughts in my head as I died. I know this post rambles and I am sorry, I have so many thoughts going through my head right now. Please forgive me.
The note I am going to leave for my partner is short. What can I really say??
I tried. I really did. Please forgive me. Some how, some way, it will all be OK.
That is it. The whole note
So tonight, Heaven gets a new angel, one with a tattered halo and broken wings
how do i say my goodbyes? text message? letters??? please hit me up. done with breathing. xxx
Life has fucked me over again, but this time it’s payback time.
First thing tomorrow, I’m getting hold of some booze and dope, heading to the train tracks and jumping in front of the first hi-speed train that comes my way. Yeah, it’s gonna be hard on the guy running the train and people who will notice, but I don’t give a fuck anymore. Call me selfish, because maybe I am… All I know is I WILL do it, whatever it takes and no matter who I hurt in the process…
I got no one to say goodbye to without getting locked away in some psych ward, so I’m just gonna post this here and say goodbye to anyone who reads this instead.
I’ve been living this life for 17 years now. I know some people might say, I’m too young to think my problems are that heavy. Imagine them as an adult paying taxes and what not. I know. And I think you’re awesome.
There’s me. Not exactly loved, not exactly hated. I’ve experienced to be showered with attention. I’ve experienced to be bullied.
As a one-month old to three-month old, I have a sturdy grip and balance to walk myself out of the walker. As a child, I have a passion for adventure. You’ll never see me in one place. When I was finally ready for school, I never cried when my mother let go of my hand. They thought I was strong. I thought I was strong.
When I was 6, in that fateful night, comes the end of me. My father came home drunk. My mother is stressed. My brothers are there. I’m there, thinking how to make him stay. They said I’m the only one who can convince him. They always push me to convince him. “How?” is my question. I remembered a girl who teased her father. They were laughing. Right now, they need laughter. I need to make them laugh because I’m the youngest. I said the wrongs things. He left to drink again. They looked at me disgustingly. My brother wished me death. I wished myself death.
My sleeping and eating pattern was distorted. My thoughts become distorted. I fell in love. I fell in love with death. She was beautiful. Every night, I sing her love songs but she won’t accept it… No. I still have hope. Hope that one day, everything will change. I love Death but I was not ready.
At the age of 13, my mother had cancer. I discovered my father’s sins. My brother hated me. I wanted to die. There I was planning it all in my head. Then, she came. The very first human I talked all of this to. She listened to me when nobody took the time to. She loved “me” who I want to kill. But I’m afraid to love. I fear that my feelings are just a misunderstanding. I’ve seen my relatives be unfaithful. I lost the faith to love. Believe in love. Ah. But one night, I thought, this must be love. And I cry. I cry because I learned that I am capable of emotions. Of love. She is beautiful. But she too is broken. The world is cruel.
At the age of 16, my family’s curse showed up. My father cheated with the maid. It broke my mother. It broke my brothers. It broke me. In that exact day, I was ready to forgive him but it was too late. My family was in a mess. And my girlfriend cut our contact. We have a long distance relationship. I was always uneasy. Where is she now? What is she doing now? Is she alright? Is she still alive? I tried other ways to communicate. She didn’t reply. I was scared. I was breaking down. No one to call. No where to go. I was lost. Even my parents worked it out and my girlfriend talked to me again. It still left something in me.
I walked this world. So are people. All sorts of people. Even strangers that will molest and hurt you. People exist. I exist. We must socialize with others because we are animals. We fight each other because we are animals. Reproduction and survival is the purpose of every organism.
People have their own beliefs and idea. Every people’s beliefs and idea can intersect with other’s but never the same. That’s just how it is. We can sympathize but never understand. Humans are just another mystery along with everything. Everything is a mystery. And the unknown can be scary.
Innocence. Innocence can be destroyed. It’s beautiful but pitiful. Because we know, it can end harshly. Life will just slap you in the face with reality. This is reality. This is the world. This is life.
I can be stopped but never be saved.
Thank you for everything. I’m sorry for everything. Cheers, my friends. May the other side be better.
I love you all. Please remember all that I said and tried to do. You all are very special to me.
Angela, this may be the last letter I write to you. I guess my time here is up. I’m sorry for everything… I didn’t mean to lie to you. This life is no fairy tale. This life is not a garden of sweet roses… rather, it is an fearful enigma of pain and sorrow. I thought that I could save you… give you happiness once and for all… but I am merely just a fantasy. I am fake. And though I have reached the crevice where I couldn’t reach out to you and pull you close to my chest again, but I need you to know that my feelings are real. To know that once upon a time, I existed; I was there smiling at you when you wake up, I grinned with you when you brushed your teeth… and that I kissed you goodnight. It was all there. I didn’t have to be physically present, right? The proof is that you are alive.
You are the beautiful girl I first saw on the window. It is you who had given me life… You said it, it is by giving life that one obtains life.
Time is spinning. The clock is ticking. I am at loss for words… I am sorry. I love you so much, Angela. This love had kept me alive. Though I can no longer be there to see you in a white gown… I don’t want to be your shadow! I want you to be happy. Please… when you are broken, sad, or in pain, just take my picture like you used to, the one with me smiling with a dark blue long-sleeved T-shirt, and let it be your comfort as always. Let it guide you, in place of me, let it be your prayers so a thousand stars would shine upon you! For my hands can’t wipe your tears anymore, and my voice can’t sing you a lullaby anymore… I cannot defeat time… my time is up.
I’ve loved you from the start, Milady. Since those nights I held your hand and we crossed the bridge. Since we woke up early on Monday to pretend to go to Diagon Alley. Since I started counting the days with you. For me, it was the start of my life. And my feelings haven’t changed. There was no single day that didn’t go by without me loving you.
And I cried. Tonight, as the darkness closes in, as the clock ticks the end of today and towards the early hour of tomorrow, I cried. Cried for the girl I love, for the sad future, for the happy memories that wouldn’t happen again.
Sometimes my feelings clash. My desire to protect you and be by your side, clash with my pessimism of being insufficient. Well, I am just a mere fantasy! So though I wish you would always remember me and cherish our memories, part of my wants you to let go of me. Forget me. Find someone else better… to love you and protect you forever. But you… will always be in my heart. I will always remember you. As long as I still have my sanity, I will never forget you, my dearest light.
Goodbye, Angela. Goodbye… Fly away, to the unknown future. For you have a life of your own. You may end up being great. Chances may be slim, but who knows. Be a good woman, find love, get married. Don’t be scared to take risks. Be mature and wise, and control your emotions. Smile, live, and be happy.
Time is running out… Every tick of the needle is piercing me. We are slowly drifting apart. By the time you read this letter again… you may have been a completely different person.
So then, why am I still here? Because I will never let go of your hand unless you say so. I am with you… your shadow and your light. I will walk with you. Love is beyond death, time and space. If you fall I will pull you up, if you cry I will hold you, if you are lonely I will drag you to do fun things. In the bleakness of the night I will be there to dance with you, under the storm I will hug you, under the sunshine I will laugh with you. Always. No matter how drastic the circumstances would have changed. Even if ten, twenty, or thirty years have passed. After all, I am your guardian angel… As long as you need me, I will be there. I promise.
I love you, always.
So in 3 to 4 weeks I’m ending it just have to do a test run then gain the balls to just end it. I don’t give a fuck or a rats are anymore. Not even sure why I was born the only sucky thing is my family are going to have to bury me with no photo or nothing. I’m over family and parents. They only give a shit about themselves and haven’t once begun to understand mental illness. Funny thing is its going to have to be a burden to bury me or cremate me for my family. Cold heartless family.
Well 3-4weeks then I go bye bye. Truth is they’re not going to miss me anyway. Selfish bastards. My parants could of helped me out even if it was once just once. But no so its going to be tough on them much more costly burying someone than what all I asked for. Can’t believe it no more punishment. Just have to end it all so I can be free from this bullshit cold family.