Hiding Behind A Mask

I feel as though I am slowing turning into an emotionless person, and I’m not sure what to think about it. I hide behind a picture perfect mask until I am alone. I put a fake smile on my face and continue smiling throughout the day. If you saw me on the street, you’d think I have it all together, and that theres no possible way I could have depression or suicidal thoughts. I have learned to hide behind my fake mask, and to make sure it shows well.

Sometimes I think the mask is me, the girl who has it all together and doesn’t have the suicidal thoughts or tendencies. But then I go home, and I go to my bedroom and shut the world out. Then I can truly be me, there is no need to hide behind my mask if I am alone.

I am sure many of you have had the feeling of wearing a mask but you just want scream for help. And then you get that sense of relief when you close your door and you are by yourself. When I am my true self, I feel nothing. My face has no emotion. I drink my pill bottles, and occasionally self harm. I used to cry a lot, tears used to stream down my face constantly when I was by myself. But now they come rarely. Then I wake up and out my mask on again, as if everything is normal again.