My Story

I’ve never really thought about typing this out, but after reading who knows how many of these post that have made me feel such I wide range of emotions, knowing how much they’ve helped me I figured maybe adding mine could help someone else out there.

Sorry for this part, I know it will be boring to read, I just want to get my whole story out there.

My name is A, I am sixteen years old. I have severe depression and anxiety and probably OCD. I’ve been bullied since 6th grade. I’ve been called just about every name in the book, but what really bothered me the most were the ones about my race, I’m half white, a quarter black and a quarter Vietnamese. My parents weren’t the best, but they weren’t horrible either, I know it could have been worse the didn’t abuse me physically but psychologically they tore me to pieces. They destroyed my self image by telling me I was fat, ugly and stupid on a daily basis. They both work a lot but the few hours they are home they pay no attention to me. But as much as I despise them for treating me like this, I still try to please them and try to be more like my brother who’s perfect in their eyes while I’m just a mistake.

Moving On…my 7th grade year was really rough. It was the first time my depression really showed up, During that school year I started to become suicidal and began planning ways to kill myself or to run away or something to just get away from my house and school, it was really hard on me and to be honest, I don’t remember what got me through it but at the very end of the year I found my first “girlfriend” (The quotes are there because yes I was in 7th grade, It wasn’t really serious). Anyway, she was my escape from the rest of my life and things got better, we talked about my depression and suicidal thoughts and my life was just better, We talked non-stop and it was the first time in my life I felt happy. Well that lasted the whole  summer. But eventually I ended it because we started to drift apart.

The bullying started back up with school again, but it was less frequent, I was still depressed but the suicidal thoughts had passed. The year was uneventful until, Her, yes I know this is going to sound like every other teen break-up story and that you’re going to say, It gets better with time, There’s other fish in the sea, blah blah blah same stuff I’ve already heard.  But  it hurts, If you don’t want to read this then don’t.

We started dating on April 15th 2012. I didn’t start things out good for a relationship between her and my parents (I snuck out of the house to go to the movies with her) and that ultimately made it so the relationship ended. Me and Her (E) dated from April until October 31 2012 (Kinda). My parents (thought) they ended the relationship but I didn’t want to let her go so I didn’t. Being with her was the best part of my life, I wish I would have cherished the time I had with her more and that I could have done things differently and still be with her. Me and E stayed together all the way through 2012 and until September of 2013. She was everything to me, my entire life revolved around her, every second of everyday was spent hiding our relationship from my parents and attempting to keep our fragile teenage romance alive. It was a constant battle to try to satisfy both parts of my life. It really intensified my anxiety having to always worry if my parents were going to find out that was defying their wishes and continuing to see the girl that they forbid me from seeing. But I made it work until E started becoming unhappy because we weren’t seeing each other as much because of my sport’s schedule. She asked for space because she wanted to think and of course being my anxious and OCD self i couldn’t deal with the change. So by not just giving her what she wanted I pushed her away. She tried to move on to some new guy and slowly pushed me away. But we still talked some because when she was pushing me away I pulled out the I’m going to kill myself if… card. Another bad move in hindsight but it seemed to be the only way I could keep her in my life at the time and it wasn’t completely untrue, I was suicidal, I attempted to hang myself but  the branch broke, and started cutting myself around this time not to deep or big, just enough to feel some pain and see some blood, but its still enough to see scars if you looked at my arms. I liked to carve things with meaning in to them I have our anniversary and her name still visible, and there’s an outline of a heart on my chest, And I sent pictures of them to her to try to make her feel guilty or something I don’t know, I just didn’t know how to get her back and I was trying everything. Anyway, This new guy stood her up the first time they were going to hangout and it turns out he still had another girlfriend so they didn’t work out for her. When all that happened I was on vacation in Florida and me and E hadn’t talked much while I was down there. She called me one night and said she wanted to get back together and I of course said yes, but I told her we need to take things slow and try to fix our problems, and we did for about two days and then I was right back to being head over heels in love with her and we just tried to ignore that she left me and that went great for a whole 3 weeks and then we started fighting and she dumped me again, but this time she wasn’t going to give me the chance to be clingy, she went to the principal and basically said I was stalking her, and to be honest I somewhat was but not to the point where that was necessary, because like she knew very well my parents didn’t want me to talk to her at all. The principal called my parents and bam. In my mind my world had just fallen apart. My relationship with my parents had started to be better, they no longer made fun of me and showed some affection towards me. But everything changed on that day. The girl that had meant the world to me had shattered my heart and ruined the relationship I had with my parents. It threw me into a very deep depression and once again the thoughts of suicide returned. I became obsessed with figuring out ways to end my life. I thought about it constantly and I think, my parents suspected it, one of them would always be around me, even at night one of them would sleep in my room and it probably saved my life. I was too scared that an attempt would fail and they would send me to a psych ward or something to try. I didn’t talk to her for about 4 days and I then went up to her begged her to talk to me because I was become extremely anxious without talking to her and it began to affect me, I didn’t sleep those 4 days because I couldn’t. She agreed to talk to me and we had a pretty good friendship, I’m guessing she only agreed because she felt guilty that the principal had told my parents. I became less anxious but more depressed because she moved on again but this time they started dating and it sucks to know that you’ve been replaced. But we had a friendship and I didn’t want to lose it so I tried to just ignore the fact the she had moved on. Her new boyfriend didn’t talk to her much so I guess she started to miss me or something, I don’t know but she cheated on him with me, and I used it to my advantage, I basically blackmailed her with it but her new guy broke up with her 2 or 3 weeks later so the blackmail was gone. I thought she would come back to me and we had an honest conversation one night and I poured my heart out to her, and during the conversation I realized that if I really wanted to marry her that dating her now and doing something stupid and ruining it wasn’t going to help, and I think that’s when I lost her. She got a new boyfriend a few days later and they’ve been together the last month. It’s killed me on the inside. I feel like an empty shell. I don’t feel anything but pain anymore. I have to see them together multiple times everyday and it crushes me everytime. I don’t have class 6th or 8th period so I go to the locker room and cry and cut myself, it’s no longer the detailed small cuts. There large and deep. I still think about her all the time, I’ve tried to move on but it only made it worse.

For the last 3 months, I’ve struggled everyday on whether I should end my life or not. I’ve thought about it plenty, I know multiple ways I could, I want to, and I feel like I should. But something is keeping me from doing it, But I don’t know what it is.

Just in case tonight is it, I wanted to put that out there. Thanks for reading….