i found this site about a year ago and wrote about how my life was fucked up and whatever. never did come back to see what anyone had to say since my shit supposedly started to get better. but now here I am a year later and i look at what i was freaking out about last year and god I wish my life was there now. not even 2 weeks after writing that I ended up getting pregnant again. my fiance and I were fixing things i guess and after waiting 2 weeks I told him i was pregnant and that i would be keeping the kid. for him of course because i never wanted kids he did. I love the guy and with all the crap i put him thru being as crazy as i am i figured i owe him as much. he wanted 3 kids. So here was number 2. everything seemed great for a few months. I actually enjoyed this pregnancy unlike my first one. sure there were issues but I was bettering myself and my fiance had my back. well fast forward about 6-7 months. Its september and our 6 year anniversary. Daughter #1 turned 2 in June, daughter #2 is due thanksgiving week. everything seems great then bam fiance takes off and when i call he says he has to think about something he has to tell me. when he comes back he pulls me to the room and says i dont love you anymore. I dont think ever did. I got with you because you were a good girl and I wanted to make my parents happy but now I don’t think i really love you anymore and the passion is all gone. WTF? Six years. Six years of my fucking life trying for this guy. I gave him a daughter and was due to give him another. kids i never wanted. He begged and cried when i was 20 and we were always fighting that he wanted kids, needed kids. after i kept telling him we werent ready and shit had to get better between us first. I wasnt mentally prepared for kids. but i loved him and went ahead and had the kids. so as you can imagine here goes my stupid little world just crashing down around me. i lost it. i didnt let him leave. i begged him to see a counselor so we both started going. but that wasnt helping. he was going so he could convince me to do as he said. to force me to stop loving him. he didnt want me anymore but he still wants the kids. he wants to be a good dad. more like he wants to have kids but have me be babysitter so he can go do whatever the fuck he wants. so baby number 2 is born. hes still here and supposedly trying to make things work and trying to give me a chance. but a week, one fucking week, after i have given birth he comes home for lunch and tells me he has to leave me that i cant love him. when i ask why does he keep insisting all this crap i love him for him flaws and all he tells me hes been cheating on me. and the only reason hes telling me is because his gf broke up with him that morning after finding out hes got kids. i lost it. put the baby down and ran for his gun. SOB got there when i did and took it from me. wouldn’t even let me kill myself. what’s the point in me even living if shit just keeps getting worse? asked him how long he said a few weeks that it started after he pulled the first shit on me. she wasnt the reason he didnt love me it was just me. would only give me her first name nothing else. thing is tho he still came home and fucked me after fucking her so I told him well what about stds? I gave birth naturally and was breastfeeding. the baby could of gotten something if you got something and gave it to me. look on his fucking face. Idiot never thought about that did he. Oh but we used condoms. uh all you need is to touch bodily fluids baby like oh idk making out? foreplay? oh shit really? yup. so he supposedly asked her if there was anything to worry about and the SOB took her word that oh no everythings all good. I told him several times go get tested anyway. Nah i trust her. wtf? really? you trust some whore who fucking new she was the ***** on the side since yall only got together at fucking parks late at night to fuck? please ***** knew you had a wife. but no he trusts her and isnt going to worry about it. and here i am like a dumbass because i still love him i forgive him and tell him we can fix this it can work. so he stays. he still doesnt love me or want to be with me but he promises no more cheating and if he wants some he will get it from me. still going to counseling tho. thats good i guess. and here we are almost 2 months later. same spot. He “doesnt love me” I love him more than anything. he calls me stupid for being with him and loving him. maybe i am. but it fucking hurts to be told what to do and how to feel. on the one hand he tells me i need to learn independance and to go out and think for myself stand up for myself. but Im not allowed to feel love for him? shits fucking stupid. I have no control. I did everything for him. 6 years. I was a kid 17 when we got together. hes all ive ever known. took me forever to trust and love him because i was afraid of being used or let down. he made so many promises even all the times i tried to leave because i saw how toxic we were getting. but i stayed i got pregnant. i fell for him and i fell hard. and now im stuck. i have failed everywhere else. he was a screw up party going alcoholic when we met. i changed his life and turned him around. hes got no debt other than a mortgage. 2 kids. according to him i’m hot. counselor says yeah i’m very beautiful. so hes got that too. he just got promoted and got his own work vehicle. for me helping him get to where he is now was supposed to be my success. but him not wanting me makes me a failure. makes me the stupidest person alive. my 24th birthday is in april. no job. no degree. no money of my own. 2 kids under 3. fucked up body from being 120 then going over 200 lbs and losing and gaining everywhere inbetween. saggy boobs from breastfeeding. fucked up vag from having 2 huge ass kids that tore my shit up. no self confidence. wtf is wrong with me. i need him. i dont know how to be anything else. i never got a chance to be anything other than his. and now that hes gotten what he wants and his life is fucking perfect im too boring. im not passionate anymore. theres no more love. why stop me then? why did you take the damn gun from me? kids need you. bullshit. these poor girls dont need a mom who struggles every day just to love them. i didnt fucking want them! how the fuck do kids need that? oh we will raise them together. SO your going to stay in my life and torture the shit out of me?? oh you can move on and find someone you deserve. But i want you! I want you so i can be a good mom. so i can feel needed and wanted. he was the only person that ever made me feel needed and wanted and if he doesnt want me anymore why the fuck would anyone else? i told him if we dont stay together that i want nothing to do with the girls. i would fall off the face of the earth. probably kill myself but who knows. his response? no thats stupid you have to be involved dont you love them? wow really? even the counselor told him guess you just want her around as babysitter right. he couldnt respond. according to the counselor he just doesnt know what he wants and that he does care about me but he wont admit it. but of course that goes against what he wants the world to believe so he keeps saying mean things to try and prove his point. so idk. my world has hit rock bottom. got his gun stashed. everyday i think maybe i should just do it. take myself away. its the one thing i feel i have control over. but then who is going to watch the kids? Damn kids. they are fucking parasites so damn needy. think maybe what if we both just leave? give the kids away and he gets his life back and i can go kill myself. nope wont work cause he wants his girls. ok what if i take them and you never see them again so we dont need to have contact and you get your life back? nope he wants his girls. what if i leave then like i said. nope his girls need their mom and besides dont i love them? any way im screwed. unless we stay together. then i have a chance at being happy. but nope he doesnt want that. worst part? even after he stopped me from shooting myself he still thinks im this little saint perfect good girl who wont do any harm to anyone. he doesnt believe i want to die. he doesnt believe i would ever hurt the girls even after i told him i had tried to smother the oldest a few times after she was born and more recently before i had #2 while he was off screwing around and wouldnt come home to help me after i kept calling and txting him that i felt i was going to hurt her. or him or anyone for that matter. he even said i could be killing him and he would be saying no thats not you killing me. am i such a loser that i really have no say even in my own mind? deep down i know if he stopped trying to be so controlling this would work fucking awesome. he needs me as much as i need him. but i also know he hates being wrong. maybe ill finally just say fuck it and prove him wrong about me. in the mean time i guess ill keep smiling. keep lying to friends and family. keep lying to myself that i matter and need to stay for the girls. always for the girls. love is a *****. life is a *****. only death is true and certain for everyone. i hate myself and who i have become. thanks love thanks life.
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Please read this article. It spoke to me today and the woman in the story seems to have been at the same place you have found yourself at now…
http://fruitofthecontemplativelife.org/forum/index.php?topic=340.0
It can and will get better. We must change the way we perceive our situation and believe that we are empowered to change it for ourselves out of love for ourselves.
Thank you for you response and link treebythesea. I haven’t read everything thru but I see what it’s about. I do agree to an extent that we have the power to get ourselves better. I’m not a spiritual person but at my highest part in life I did take control and felt better and was better, so this link does speak to me a bit
Actually, that was the wrong link…here is the one i meant to send: http://www.lifewithoutacentre.com/essays-transcripts/divine-suicide-depressive-breakdown-as-a-call-to-awakening/ (this one is long but seriously worth reading all the way through. made a real impact for me)
How did you take control? I feel overwhelmed right now too. Sometimes life just stacks up in the most crazy ways and it is hard just to respond to every moment and person and word and circumstance that shows up in the day to day. I can really relate to what you are experiencing. I am coming to a point where I am ready to surrender. I have been cornered and there is nothing else for me to do but to surrender or just die. Maybe it is the ideal place to be in life- maybe it is a crossroads and this is where things will finally change? I am hopeful.
Thanks for the new link. Ill make sure to read it once i get a chance. As for the control thing i sayat one point i HAD taken control because it was so long ago. The way it worked for me tho was i finally had self esteem that was positive. I found someone who was encouraging and loving of who i was and wanted to be. That love sparked my self esteem and i felt great about myself. But i dont recommend going out and letting someone else be your guide as i did. It actually ended up blowing up in my face and hence why am here. Im even lower than before and i believe thats what happens when you place your entire worth on someone else. Its why i cant seem to climb back up and like you i feel as if im better off just going away and surrendering. If you can see any small hope tho grab it and hold on for all its worth. Yes i feel worse now.but forth those few years i felt worthy man oh man its wonderful.
It sounds to me as if you need to get out of this toxic, abusive relationship. Have you looked for help just for yourself? I don’t want to sound callous, but maybe you should leave & leave the kids in his care. If you truly feel the way you do, the girls will pick up on that and its not the healthy for them. Couple that with the fact that you feel you may be a danger to them…….you are so young, you have lots of time to “start over”. You should still get visitation rights with them, if you choose, if you were to leave him.
I have experienced what you describe about putting your worth in the perception of another person. Like you, when that person left my life my entire sense of worth and value left with him. This is the first time I have ever been alone and it is very painful but I know somehow intuitively that it is exactly what I need and what is right for me. LostnBroken makes some good points here. Before you take any final or drastic steps please consider something that may seem drastic in the present moment but in time would bring more clarity. There is no shame in taking a step back and removing yourself from a situation that is pushing you to your breaking point. Please consider removing yourself from the place where you are for a couple of weeks or some time to get your mind cleared. I have learned, although I am only 6 years older than you, that things really do turn around and come clear in time. You are being very raw and honest in your post and those are some tough emotions to deal with. You love your children but you cannot feel it right now because it sounds as if you are experiencing a breakdown. It happens to very good, solid people- you just need a break. You need clarity and time to yourself to evaluate what step to take next. This is going to have to be a one day at a time thing.
As far as how you have been treated and disrespected by your husband. I will tell you right now- you have to look yourself in the eye and if someone doesnt want you, the very best thing you can do is gracefully accept it and let it be. It will hurt but you DO deserve to move forward and one step at a time to gain your footing in your own life apart from depending on that man. I have been there. I know the pain, but I promise you you will look back and you will be so thankful that you didnt give up. You are strong. I can tell by the way you express yourself in writing. You WILL overcome this. Just slow down and take some time to step back.
Treebythesea is giving you very good advice. Do you have a parent(I know it sucks going back but…….) or relative you can stay with for a while? It would give everyone breathing room, & hopefully keep everyone safe. –hug– you are such an honest,strong, smart woman. World needs as many as it can get.
I didnt realize i had more comments here. It makes me feel better to know someone is hearing what i have to say. I know deep down i should take a step back and leave. But i just feel like if i do that would give him reason to completely call it quits. Our counselor has said she believes we will work this out and i believe deep down as well. But i know him better than he knows himself. If one of us leaves he will never be ok with getting bacm together. He has told me before that even if he loves me if we split up he wouldnt come back because that would mean admitting he was wrong. As for family i have no one. My dad is going thru his second divorce and is pretty much homeless (he is staying with his brother) and my mom lives with my sister because she cant afford to live on her own. My brother just got sentenced to 4 years in prison. My sister has her own marital issues plus my mom living with her. And my baby sister lives hundreds of miles away in university. The only people besides our counselor who know anyway is his aunt. Theres no way i can tell anyone else whats happening because they will hate him and im so protective of him that i know i will end up alienating everyone who says bad things about him.
You need to leave that guy and fast, it’s only going to get worse. Don’t let some asshole threat you like that, even if you love him. You deserve better! So much better!! The fact that he nearly drove you to suicide is crazy. How can he live with himself. I really hope you find a solution that is both good for you and your children. Fuck him though. Just my opinion. Wish you all the best, stay strong.
Thanks for your comment. I was suicidal way before him tho. He actually kind of saved me i think. He was the first person to ever make me feel worthy of love. I spent the majority of the 6 years trying to leave because i didnt want the love he had to offer because i didnt think i deserved it. All this happened shortly after i let myself love him all the way and accept his love. I guess me being picking before was why this happened. Karma maybe. My clingyness drove him away maybe.