January 17th, 2014by dontknowanymore
i found this site about a year ago and wrote about how my life was fucked up and whatever. never did come back to see what anyone had to say since my shit supposedly started to get better. but now here I am a year later and i look at what i was freaking out about last year and god I wish my life was there now. not even 2 weeks after writing that I ended up getting pregnant again. my fiance and I were fixing things i guess and after waiting 2 weeks I told him i was pregnant and that i would be keeping the kid. for him of course because i never wanted kids he did. I love the guy and with all the crap i put him thru being as crazy as i am i figured i owe him as much. he wanted 3 kids. So here was number 2. everything seemed great for a few months. I actually enjoyed this pregnancy unlike my first one. sure there were issues but I was bettering myself and my fiance had my back. well fast forward about 6-7 months. Its september and our 6 year anniversary. Daughter #1 turned 2 in June, daughter #2 is due thanksgiving week. everything seems great then bam fiance takes off and when i call he says he has to think about something he has to tell me. when he comes back he pulls me to the room and says i dont love you anymore. I dont think ever did. I got with you because you were a good girl and I wanted to make my parents happy but now I don’t think i really love you anymore and the passion is all gone. WTF? Six years. Six years of my fucking life trying for this guy. I gave him a daughter and was due to give him another. kids i never wanted. He begged and cried when i was 20 and we were always fighting that he wanted kids, needed kids. after i kept telling him we werent ready and shit had to get better between us first. I wasnt mentally prepared for kids. but i loved him and went ahead and had the kids. so as you can imagine here goes my stupid little world just crashing down around me. i lost it. i didnt let him leave. i begged him to see a counselor so we both started going. but that wasnt helping. he was going so he could convince me to do as he said. to force me to stop loving him. he didnt want me anymore but he still wants the kids. he wants to be a good dad. more like he wants to have kids but have me be babysitter so he can go do whatever the fuck he wants. so baby number 2 is born. hes still here and supposedly trying to make things work and trying to give me a chance. but a week, one fucking week, after i have given birth he comes home for lunch and tells me he has to leave me that i cant love him. when i ask why does he keep insisting all this crap i love him for him flaws and all he tells me hes been cheating on me. and the only reason hes telling me is because his gf broke up with him that morning after finding out hes got kids. i lost it. put the baby down and ran for his gun. SOB got there when i did and took it from me. wouldn’t even let me kill myself. what’s the point in me even living if shit just keeps getting worse? asked him how long he said a few weeks that it started after he pulled the first shit on me. she wasnt the reason he didnt love me it was just me. would only give me her first name nothing else. thing is tho he still came home and fucked me after fucking her so I told him well what about stds? I gave birth naturally and was breastfeeding. the baby could of gotten something if you got something and gave it to me. look on his fucking face. Idiot never thought about that did he. Oh but we used condoms. uh all you need is to touch bodily fluids baby like oh idk making out? foreplay? oh shit really? yup. so he supposedly asked her if there was anything to worry about and the SOB took her word that oh no everythings all good. I told him several times go get tested anyway. Nah i trust her. wtf? really? you trust some whore who fucking new she was the ***** on the side since yall only got together at fucking parks late at night to fuck? please ***** knew you had a wife. but no he trusts her and isnt going to worry about it. and here i am like a dumbass because i still love him i forgive him and tell him we can fix this it can work. so he stays. he still doesnt love me or want to be with me but he promises no more cheating and if he wants some he will get it from me. still going to counseling tho. thats good i guess. and here we are almost 2 months later. same spot. He “doesnt love me” I love him more than anything. he calls me stupid for being with him and loving him. maybe i am. but it fucking hurts to be told what to do and how to feel. on the one hand he tells me i need to learn independance and to go out and think for myself stand up for myself. but Im not allowed to feel love for him? shits fucking stupid. I have no control. I did everything for him. 6 years. I was a kid 17 when we got together. hes all ive ever known. took me forever to trust and love him because i was afraid of being used or let down. he made so many promises even all the times i tried to leave because i saw how toxic we were getting. but i stayed i got pregnant. i fell for him and i fell hard. and now im stuck. i have failed everywhere else. he was a screw up party going alcoholic when we met. i changed his life and turned him around. hes got no debt other than a mortgage. 2 kids. according to him i’m hot. counselor says yeah i’m very beautiful. so hes got that too. he just got promoted and got his own work vehicle. for me helping him get to where he is now was supposed to be my success. but him not wanting me makes me a failure. makes me the stupidest person alive. my 24th birthday is in april. no job. no degree. no money of my own. 2 kids under 3. fucked up body from being 120 then going over 200 lbs and losing and gaining everywhere inbetween. saggy boobs from breastfeeding. fucked up vag from having 2 huge ass kids that tore my shit up. no self confidence. wtf is wrong with me. i need him. i dont know how to be anything else. i never got a chance to be anything other than his. and now that hes gotten what he wants and his life is fucking perfect im too boring. im not passionate anymore. theres no more love. why stop me then? why did you take the damn gun from me? kids need you. bullshit. these poor girls dont need a mom who struggles every day just to love them. i didnt fucking want them! how the fuck do kids need that? oh we will raise them together. SO your going to stay in my life and torture the shit out of me?? oh you can move on and find someone you deserve. But i want you! I want you so i can be a good mom. so i can feel needed and wanted. he was the only person that ever made me feel needed and wanted and if he doesnt want me anymore why the fuck would anyone else? i told him if we dont stay together that i want nothing to do with the girls. i would fall off the face of the earth. probably kill myself but who knows. his response? no thats stupid you have to be involved dont you love them? wow really? even the counselor told him guess you just want her around as babysitter right. he couldnt respond. according to the counselor he just doesnt know what he wants and that he does care about me but he wont admit it. but of course that goes against what he wants the world to believe so he keeps saying mean things to try and prove his point. so idk. my world has hit rock bottom. got his gun stashed. everyday i think maybe i should just do it. take myself away. its the one thing i feel i have control over. but then who is going to watch the kids? Damn kids. they are fucking parasites so damn needy. think maybe what if we both just leave? give the kids away and he gets his life back and i can go kill myself. nope wont work cause he wants his girls. ok what if i take them and you never see them again so we dont need to have contact and you get your life back? nope he wants his girls. what if i leave then like i said. nope his girls need their mom and besides dont i love them? any way im screwed. unless we stay together. then i have a chance at being happy. but nope he doesnt want that. worst part? even after he stopped me from shooting myself he still thinks im this little saint perfect good girl who wont do any harm to anyone. he doesnt believe i want to die. he doesnt believe i would ever hurt the girls even after i told him i had tried to smother the oldest a few times after she was born and more recently before i had #2 while he was off screwing around and wouldnt come home to help me after i kept calling and txting him that i felt i was going to hurt her. or him or anyone for that matter. he even said i could be killing him and he would be saying no thats not you killing me. am i such a loser that i really have no say even in my own mind? deep down i know if he stopped trying to be so controlling this would work fucking awesome. he needs me as much as i need him. but i also know he hates being wrong. maybe ill finally just say fuck it and prove him wrong about me. in the mean time i guess ill keep smiling. keep lying to friends and family. keep lying to myself that i matter and need to stay for the girls. always for the girls. love is a *****. life is a *****. only death is true and certain for everyone. i hate myself and who i have become. thanks love thanks life.