Hi Guys,
It’s 8:30 here and I am already exhausted… I haven’t been getting much sleep these past few nights… Maybe 4-5 hours at the most? Maybe less? All I know is I have been going to bed around 1-2 am and waking up at 5-6:30 am… So not much sleep there… But ya know I don’t really care… Well I guess I do because I feel lonely those 3-4 extra hours and I don’t know what to do with myself…. I start overthinking things. I start wondering, questioning, questioning my very own existence. Why am I here for? What am I here for? What is my purpose in life? Would the world be better off without me? I wonder these things at night inching towards death. Thinking about it. Tempting myself…
How are you guys?
How am I? Physically: Drained Mentally: I could be tons better Emotionally: Terrible
My physical state… I am extremely tired and sore. I hurt all over and I just want it to end. I don’t know how and all I am thinking about is suicide and death and what would happen if I killed myself. Would people care? Would people notice? Who would go to my funeral? Who would mourn? Who would weep? Who would actually regret things? I feel suicidal so much. I just want it to end. I want the pain to end. I want it all to end. The pain, the soreness, the tears, the masks, the secrets, the different identities… I just want to end it all.
My mental sate… Terrible. Again I feel super duper suicidal… Headaches are now regular almost all day… Panic attacks keep coming, mental breakdowns, physical breakdowns. Just in general crying… A lot… I cry myself to sleep sometimes… Not of self pity… No because of everything… I can’t take it… Crying is the one thing I can hold on to… Of course it be better if someone was there to wipe away my tears… But who would stay with me? A hopeless? No one… Not a lot of people would give the time to talk to me… Not a lot of people would comfort me… Maybe it’s true… What I’ve been saying… No one cares. I don’t matter. All of that… I guess its true…
My emotional state… Well let’s just say I am an emotional wreck… A lot of crying… A lot of pain… A lot of suicidalness, depression and sadness… Not a lot of happiness… Well really there isn’t any more happiness. Just fake smiles and fake laughs… No one really notices a difference… I just lie and say I’m tired… I just lie and say I’m stressed… No one notices those little lies that I say… It’s for the best if I lie… No one really knows how I am… Here is where the truth is… This is the only place I do not lie…
Monologue:
I have decided well not really, but I have thought about this… What if I killed myself on Valentine’s Day? It’d be perfect… Give my friend’s flowers… Then tell them goodbye… They’d think that they would see me next week at school… But of course by then I would be long gone… They would remember me with flowers I guess… It’s supposed to be a day of love… You see? That’s why I think it’s perfect… To kill myself on the day of love… Because I loved so many people and gave out love but no one really loved me… Maybe I should go… Just leave this world all together. There would be no more masks, no more secrets, no more faking, no more pain, no more. Just a black abyss. Maybe it’d be for the best…
Poem (sorry it’s so short…)
“I’m fine,” I reply
Of course it’s a lie
Me myself and I
We all want to cry
Au Demain…
4 comments
Sorry, I hope you persist against that stupid “holiday.” It’s just another day to me, not even registering that it’s /that/ day… it can’t be for the best.
But I feel like a total hypocrite saying this, because all I want is rest too.
🙁
Don’t give in to the world. The world is stupid and deserves to get blown to hell for making people feel that way. Seriously – you make me want to buy you some orchids to cheer you up.
LetItGo, I want you to still be alive after Valentine’s day. Of course that would be even better if you could find more joy in life also. As far asc questioning our own existence that goes on through life. That is if we search out improvement. If you do your best ever day, you should be able to sleep knowing that. The next day is just that. A time to improve your self from what was learned the day before. One day at a time young lady!